He Said he was Too Busy for a Girlfriend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
i have this serious problem and if you could steer me clear id be very thankful. you see, my boyfrriend and i had been going out for almost 9 months now and i thought that everything was, well O.K. but right in the middle of my exams he broke it off with me and his reason was "i don't have time for a g/f anymore"

i was devastated and couldn't stop crying. it still seems very unreal to me... but from the beginning i saw that he wasn't all mature and the one problem i had was his parents.. they're controlling his life as if he was still 5! we had talked about this before and he had said that he would talk to them and he agreed that it was true... but the major problem here is that his excuse was "i don't have time for you anymore, because im going to be working all summer" that's when i pointed out that O.K. well so what?? he said that he would be too tired to see me at night and he just wouldn't have time.. i said that is no excuse! that he wasn't the only one who had a g/f and had to work, just tell my why you're breaking it off! and that still remained his answer...

i completely don't understand we had the best relationship.. we were seriously happy with each other but recently, i had seen that things were a bit different, and he's the type that needs his space so i never bothered to think that things might be going in that direction.. but it comes to me now that his father would sometimes come and see me and tell me all sorts of bull**** without reason.. for example "you know, i think he's been going out with girls starting at a too young age... he never really got a break" i never understood, i had told my b/f this and he said he was just jealous which might be true because his father's relationship with his wife is not a healthy one, the can NEVER be alone at the same place and time.... they have their problems and that's O.K. but he always got his nose in ours.. now many times my ex would get tired of this and he would him to backoff but it's just in his controlling nature... the way he thinks is that teenagrs should be like they were before... he says that were too attached now & days... and that's why -I- think he might be the cause of all this now i know it's still my ex's decision but he's very influencial..

i also know that a breakup is both partner's faults but i really haven't done anything... he at last told me that there were other guys out there for me.. and that we weren't married.. that didn't make any sense to that's when i replied... even if.. it's u that i want to go out with so why do u say that??? it didn't make any sense at all... so it might be his father or his lack of maturity or that he's just scared of losing me next year (im moving an hour away.. but we agreed to try to make it work - though he was always so insecure about but told me he'd try because he loved me so much) he told me that lots of times.. so maybe he was saving himself some pain from next year by just letting me go now... that is also a possibility.. but i now he love(d) me and we had this great connection...

why did this happen??? im so lost, i hate him for what he did but would still like to make things work.... but i know that i am not the one to call him... it seems as if i am waiting for that.. even though i don't want too.... i don't but i do want to get over him.. but i always knew he was THE ONE for me... so why did he do this to me??? i keep telling myself he wouldn't if he really did but these 9 months can't just be a lie.. i know he still loves me..... i can't stand this anymore i need answers!! HELP

RomanceClass.com Advice
It can definitely be that your boyfriend was influenced by his father and that his father was jealous over the fun you two were having. But I have to find it hard to believe that that was the *only* reason this split came after 9 months. Nine months is a long time to stay with someone, and he stayed because he wanted to. So while the father might have prodded him a bit, the decision to split up must really have come from your ex.

After six months or so, the dynamics of a relatonship change. You're no longer in the rush-of-new-love stage, where it's fun just to be together. You're in a more long term stage, where you are best friends, doing things together because you like to, enjoying each other's company. You are starting to think about the long haul instead of just thinking about next Saturday Night. You are starting to weigh the time you put into the relationship against what you get out of it.

So it may be that he really was being fully honest with you when he was saying he didn't have time to maintain the relationship as he would have wanted it to be maintained. Looking forward, he saw that a relationship of your stature would involve a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of energy. That's how relationships work - they don't just happen. They require effort to stay strong and healthy. He then looked and saw that he had a new job that was very important to him, he knew that your relationship would be long distance which takes more effort than most to keep going. He knew that what he would have HOPED for your relationship simply could not happen, that it would suffer. And that he would feel that suffering no matter how much he tried to keep it going. It would never feel "right" - it would always feel like something was missing.

None of this says "the last 9 months were a lie". All it says is that when he looks at the future, he doesn't see how your relationship together could be what he wants out of a relationship. There isn't enough time. He's not HAPPY about this - but he's being HONEST about it. So you shouldn't hate him. I would maintain the friendship - and maybe you can show him that what you guys do have is "enough" to be worth it. But you have to accept the fact that maybe it *won't* be enough, and that maybe keeping your friendship was the best compromise he could reach.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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