Is it completely over?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about two months ago. He said he was tired and couldn't do anything anymore for our relationship. I asked if he would ever come back, and he said it might or might not happen. At first I begged and cried, but he insisted that he only wanted to be my friend. I stopped calling him about a month ago, and since then he has called me a couple times. One time I wasn't home, and I didn't return his call. The other time, I was having dinner, and in order to show that I wasn't desperate for him, I told him that I was having dinner and said he could call back later on if he wished, but he didn't. Then we emailed back and forth a few times (only a line or two in each email), and in the email exchange, I disclosed that I thought he was commitment phobic. He stopped contacting me for over a week then, and I emailed him finally to ask him if everything's alright and if he'd still like to be friends. He told me honestly that he was annoyed and thought that I was being manipulative by telling him that "the reason we broke up was because he was afraid of commitment." I didn't -- I only said he was afraid of commitment, but I didn't associate that with our break up! Somehow he heard it the other way .... Anyway, I wrote back and apologized, and said that he didn't have to worry about what I thought because he dumped me and I was nothing to him. He was again annoyed -- because he thought I was "getting down on myself" by apologizing. He said issues couldn't be addressed that way. So I told him that I wasn't getting down on myself, and there was no issue to be addressed since I had already accepted that he didn't want me anymore, and all I wanted to know was if he would still like to be friends. He wrote back and said we were still friends. I thanked him through email, and then called him to talk. He sounded light-hearted and we chatted a bit. It was surprisingly natural. I happen to have to visit his city soon, and I wanted to see if he would like to meet so that I could return something to him. He evidently already knew that I would be there, but he said he had made plans with a friend that day and might not be able to meet me. And yet he said he also had something to return to me -- a scarf that I knitted for him. He said it was sort of special and he didn't think it should belong to him. He said he couldn't meet me this time but he would try to give it back to me somehow. Anyway .... I decided to just leave the stuff I have for him at his door, and I told him not to worry about returning anything to me. I told him that some day he might have to throw away the scarf anyway when he has another girlfriend, because girls are very sensitive and I'm sure she wouldn't like to see that he's still keeping the scarf that his ex-girlfriend knitted for him. He laughed a bit and then said he wouldn't throw it away ... But anyway, I told him that I didn't want it back, and by leaving his stuff at his door for him to pick up, we don't have to see each other when I visit.

So my question is: Is our relationship really totally over now? Yes, I guess we are still so-called "friends," but he doesn't even want to see me at all anymore. He knows I'm visiting and so he makes other plans in order not to have to see me. It looks like he's trying hard to get over me completely, and if he still wants to ever get back with me, he wouldn't have to get over me, right? What do you think? Also, he wants to return something meaningful to me. he didn't even want to keep it as a souvenir. Well now he says he won't throw the scarf away but who knows? Is it just too soon for us to be friends naturally and to build up the relationship again? Or is it just plainly impossible for that to happen at all? Do you see any chances at all for us to be back together again in the future? Advice
The biggest thing you have going against you is the distance.

It is tough enough to have a good relationship when you see each other often, but it is even harder when you are apart.

My advice is to stay friends with him and see what develops. If you stop being friends you know it will be over. The way you described him and you interacting makes it seem possible that you will be back together again.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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