Saying Sorry @ RomanceClass -
I am so scared to truly be vulnerable

I broke up with my boyfriend about a week ago. During the entire relationship I doubted I would ever love him. This made me feel horrible, but I thought maybe with time I would since he was my first real relationship. I figured I was just being cautious. I just broke up with him, 2 months into the relationship, because I realized that we were both really busy and hadn't talked or hung out in a while. He was incredibly sweet and kind while we were breaking up. He just kept hugging me and saying it was okay and that he understood, but I could tell how upset he was. He also let it slip multiple times that he wouldn't find anyone as amazing and beautiful as me, which was the point that i almost cried. The way he treated the break up nearly made me turn around and tell him I didn't mean it and I want him to only be with me. After the breakup, I really wanted him to do all of the things he did while we were together, but I knew I shouldn't expect it from him. To my surprise, he walked me to all of my classes and gave me a hug before each one for the rest of the week, making me miss him even more because, although we were doing all of the things we did while together, I knew it wasn't the same. I want him to want to be with me sooo badly because I think a part of me realizes how much I truly do like, and maybe even love him. I hate that were not together, but I know we can't be right now. I have a very rigorous schedule for the next 2 or 3 months that allows no time to do anything and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. I can see how much he still cares for me by the way he talks to me and stares into my eyes, but I'm scared he will eventually get tired of waiting for me and start dating other girls. I want him to date because I know its not fair of me to make him wait, but I know it's going to kill me more than anything when he tells me about a girl or a date. Yesterday was the ultimate killer, though. He came into homeroom and sat across from me and started staring at me and just says "wow". I asked him what he was talking about and he looks at me and starts asking about whether i was wearing make up or putting it on differently or something, which i really wasn't. I finally asked him why he kept asking about it and he bluntly told me that I just looked amazing. It was very flattering and I wasn't expecting it. When he walked me to spanish we stopped and talked for a second and I was still trying to get over being flattered before when he started staring at me again. I felt really close to him and I asked what he was staring at. He looked straight into my eyes for what felt like forever and said, "You're so beautiful". I honestly didn't know what to say. I was completely taken back by how solemn and honest he sounded. I know every girl has insecurities, me included. The way he said it while staring into my eyes made it seem like he was talking about some magnificent new discovery or precious diamond he was staring at, and thats what hurts the most. I'm selfish for wanting him all to myself, but I can't see myself dating anyone else so why would I want to picture him dating someone else? He tells me he'll never find anyone like me, and more than anything I hope he keeps that mentality because I honestly think I love him. I don't deserve someone who treats me like he does. When he looks into my eyes I don't want to be anywhere but right in front of him. When I'm tired and come into homeroom and put my head down, he lightly brushes my arms to comfort me. All of this even after I crushed him. I want nothing more right now than to drive to his house and beg that he be with me and not the dozens of other girls who are interested in him. But I can't, and for that I am the most sorry. To me, who is in pain that I can't love someone who clearly still cares so deeply for me. But mostly, to him. I'm sorry that I am so scared to truly be vulnerable to someone I know won't hurt me like others have. I'm sorry that I feel like I have some kind of hold over you. I don't and you can date whoever you want. I know she'll be able to love you better than I can. I'm sorry for the inevitable break down I'm going to have when you do start dating someone else. I'm sorry that I can't be with you when it's all i want to do. I'm sorry. Please forgive me and wait until all of my crazy IB stuff is over with. Please go to prom with me and make it the best night of my life. Please continue to text me and hug me constantly. Please stare into my eyes just the way you do and make me feel like there's no one else but us. Please make every slightest touch seem like electricity, while still being the exact comforting gesture I need after yet another night of nothing but homework and no sleep. Please don't date any one else. Please wait for me. But more than anything, Please don't. Please get exactly what you deserve and find someone better, because I've hurt you enough as it is, and I love you enough to realize this. I'm sorry.


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