Saying Sorry @ RomanceClass -|
i came across this little site reading a story about how a girl lost her best guy friend and that she was sorry for not letting something happen that could've been. i'm not sure what i'm apologizing for...but here it goes.there's a year for everything, one year it took for me to fall for you. i remember in sixth grade that you liked me. i didn't know it, but you did. i was disgusted by you, i had no reason why...i just didn't like you at all. i never wanted to be by you, i never wanted to see you or talk to you because i thought you were annoying. i have to admit,i liked the attention. otherwise, i wasn't very fond of you. you would always flirt with me though...and i still didn't know you liked me. i was so clueless, i wonder now if i ever hurt your feelings. i doubt it,it was only sixth grade. everytime you came near and tried to put a move on me, i would protest and go to the guy i liked at the time. he didn't like me back which is why i probably stayed around for you. i'm sorry for that,making you my second choice,my rebound guy. oh, i never realized how hard you tried to get my attention. now that i look back, i think it's cute how you'd get that jealous look on your face if i wasn't with you. i wish you'd look at me like that now...after a year of flirting, talking,hanging out, i fell for you. it was the end of 6th grade year, and i started to like you. i don't think you knew it though but eventually you got over me. you didn't like me anymore, but there i was...starting to like you, and i guess you just gave up. i wish you hadn't. it took me a year to love you. 7th grade was the year. i wasn't sure if you stopped liking me at the time, so i tried. you were still your flirty self, so i thought you still liked me. i thought wrong. all the flirting meant nothing to you. you were playing with my mind and i didn't realize it. to me, the flirting meant everything. there came a time when we were talking over aim and you were annoyed with me for ignoring you over and over again. i only ignored you because i wanted your attention...the only time you ever noticed i was there was if i was mad at you. and so, everytime you ignored me...i would get mad and ignore you. then you did that sympathetic voice that got me to fall for you all over again, every.single.time. it was a vicious cycle and i hated it, because i knew it would happen again everytime it seemed to end. when we were fighting over aim, i was crying trying to type through the tears,pretty stupid it was an IM fight. it still hurt though. you got me to cry...hyperventilate uncontrollably. i didn't ever want to forgive you so i thought that was it. i didn't want to talk to you,see you, hear you, be anywhere near you. but there was school. i would see you in the hallways all the time. that didn't help at all, knowing the fact that i was trying to get over you. then there was the day i told you i was sorry. how stupid i was! why was i to be the first one to say sorry when all i did was ignore you? you said the hurtful things,you made the tears come, you ruined it all. but then you apologized and i mean how could i get mad at someone who said sorry? right? wrong. you made 7th grade horrible for me. the rumors lasted even if we were fine. i think we went back to our vicious cycle until there was one day when i said that i was done. i don't want to be hurt anymore, i don't want to like you, love you. whatever. i don't want you in my life, i don't want to be in yours. i didn't talk to you for 8 months. this time, you weren't annoyed. we took a field trip for the 7th grade year ending and you were in my group. throughout the whole field trip i was ignoring you completely. it made it so difficult that you were around me the whole time because i just wanted to get over you. after arriving back at the school and being dismissed by the bell, i was crying on the walk home.you were there, but you weren't paying any attention to me. you were looking at my friend asking HER why SHE was crying. she didn't even shed a tear. why WOULD she be crying? i remember i was so furious because i was standing there, right next to her and I was the one crying. finally, you turned to me and asked ,"Are you crying?" honestly? you're really going to ask that when you see tears streaming down my face? i was still ignoring you, i wasn't going to give up now, even if you were trying to comfort me. you were being sweet and i felt horrible for ignoring you. i thought you'd left me because i went to sit at the park,but when i got up...you were there holding me and telling me everything's gonna be alright. you were wrong. i didn't want to be held by you i didn't want to hug you or talk to you. but there you were,hugging me and i just stood there with my arms tight to my sides,refusing to hug you back. because i knew that if i did, it would be that much harder to get over you. a day came when i was sitting at the park with my friend and you were walking towards us. you sat next to me, trying to get my attention i guess. you had a sticker, and you were trying to put it on me. purple, our favorite color. it was a purple smiley face and i took it off,and handed it back to you without a word. you were scooching closer to me asking why i was still ignoring you. it hurt so bad,not being able to tell you why and just the fact that i was ignoring the one i love. i was asking my friend about what highlights i should get and you said i should get purple on my bangs. i wanted to giggle, because that's secretly what i wanted. but i stayed strong and showed no emotion. i ignored the comment and just kept talking. i felt so...stupid. ignoring you like that, i'm so sorry...if i hurt you at all. you didn't do a thing...at the time at least but your friends were still asking ,"what did you do to her?"i walked home,without saying goodbye of course. then came the last day of school. in the end of every school year, i get my pants signed. in 6th grade you signed them with your name and a heart. in 7th(though i can't believe i let you sign them-i was ignoring you for christ's sake!)you just signed your name. i was having mixed emotions-happy because you actually wanted to sign them, sad..wishing you signed it with a heart. at that moment i knew we would probably never be. it felt official,because i finally accepted that you didn't love me back...or so i thought. 8th grade came and i haven't accepted the fact that you don't love me back.it took a year for me to realize that i didn't just LOVE you. i was IN LOVE with you. i finally started talking to you again. i couldn't stand ignoring you anymore,that method was NOT helping me get over you. you kept asking why i had ignored you for EIGHT MONTHS. i couldn't tell you why though,i'd have to tell you i loved you and i didn't want to anymore. i kept stalling until i told one of your friends,who i trusted. i don't know why i trusted him...but i did. he said i should tell you that i loved you,that i was in love with you. he said that it would most likely turn out good and that you wouldn't be mean about it. he was wrong. we were walking home together one day. me,you,and my friend. you badly wanted to know why i had ignored you before. that was the moment. i had to tell you now or never, i didn't tell you though. i couldn't. i was stuttering and everytime i tried to say i love you, i would stop at "i". it was my friend that ended up telling you. your jaw dropped as you finally comprehended what i was trying to say. I Love You. i was nervous then,thinking you'd reject me but no...we kept walking;just us two because my friend had already left. i explained everything, telling your friend that i wanted you to hate me so i could go on knowing we would never have a chance. at that moment you told me, "i would never hate you." i smiled and after everything was cleared, i thought it was going to be okay. i gave you a long hug goodbye and from that moment on, i was happy the rest of the day.i remember the next morning i was excited to go to school and see you. this day was probably the worst i have ever cried in school. i found out that you told everyone i was madly obsessed with you and that i was in love with you. the second part was true, not so much the first. i gave up. i REALLY did feel like i didn't want to try anymore. again and again i told myself, "no this is it. i don't want him in my life. he's wrong for me." it was just like the times before when i wanted to get over you. i ignored him for a couple days until he finally noticed. he told me he was kidding about the whole obsessed thing and of course, i forgave him. why?i don't know. in the month of november,close to my brother's wedding, you were getting very close to me. and by close, i mean you were kissing me. you were my very first kiss. i remember i told you i've never kissed anyone and you wanted to be the first. i was shocked,caught off guard. i didn't know what to do so i just kissed you back. i liked it, i couldn't remember what i was thinking. how i was feeling,is indescribable. i thought that this was it,that we could finally be together. that whooole week you were being unbearably sweet. we kissed almost everyday but i didn't know if we were something,or still just friends.on one of the days i remember you asking me,"am i abusive?aggressive?demanding?" and i answered no,confused. but it made me want you more because i was in love with you and for some odd reason,i thought you loved me too...or liked me at least.i can recall the last time we kissed was a friday,the day of my brother's wedding. i didn't know it would be our last,but i had a feeling. i came up to your locker and asked if you were mad at me because one of your friends told me so. you asked,"for what?" and i said that i didn't know,just that one of your friends told me you were. you replied no and pulled me to you and kissed me. on the monday after,we were at the park , and you were trying to kiss me again. i didn't kiss you back because i was embarassed of something being on my cheek. i guess you didn't mind because you kept trying, but i still didn't reciprocate. the day after, the mark on my cheek was gone so i felt confident in getting you back. i was already at the park with my friend when i saw you coming. i didn't want you to know i was expecting you so i turned around,waiting for you to grab me from behind. but you didn't. you walked right past me,not saying a word. it hit me. i was so hurt. you just ignored me,after all we had the week before. i couldn't believe it. so i sat there, mind-blank,face-expressionless,voice-emotionless. at that moment, i knew my time with you was over. all of that meant nothing to you but a game. you thought you "made my day" but really, you hurt me because you made me think that we could actually be something. i was upset for a day,when people were telling me i shouldn't be worried. that you didn't do anything wrong so i stopped acting depressed,got over it and i wasn't mad at your actions anymore. i was happy again,because we were talking,still walking home together...but nothing more. one day, i was being mean to one of your friends,and i guess i deserved this but your friend started to say, "He pla---." and he stopped excaliming that it was too mean. i replied and said,"no,tell me." he then proceeded to say,"he played you." the words hit me so hard, it hurt worse the second time then it actually happening the first. i knew it already,but just hearing it from one of YOUR friends...it hurt ten times more. after hearing that, i decided i was honestly done. that this won't be like the other times where i gave in. i will not listen to your sympathetic voice. i won't be the first to apologize,and i probably won't be there to listen to yours. i'm ignoring you until i get over you and there's no going back. i love you beyond what you realize and i just need to move on. you noticed i have been ignoring you and your always asking why. i won't ever tell you. and this isn't to play with your mind like you did mine. i never want to hurt you the way you hurt me. it kills me inside when you tell me you care about me,because i know that you honesly don't. if you did,you would've cared about my feelings every single time you intentionally or intentionally hurt me. you broke my heart,but here i am still in love with you. today, you bumped into me in the hallway. i was walking away until you took my arm and said sorry. i rolled my eyes and walked away thinking,you are not sorry for anything. don't apologize because that wont get you anywhere with me, knowing what you did. so here i am typing this thing letting you know that i'm sorry if I ever hurt YOU. i'm sorry that i acted the way i did in sixth grade. i'm sorry i ignored you to get your attention.i'm sorry for everything that i ever did to make us the way we are today. i'm sorry even if you aren't. there's a year for everything, one year to fall for you. one year to love you. one year to realize i'm IN love with you... how long will it take for me to get over you? it's been three years...it doesn't fit in with the pattern.
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