Saying Sorry @ RomanceClass -
Years later

Leaving your city.
October is crawling up, and thatís always been a month of manic behavior for me.
Itís been years, and months, and days, since we parted somehow? Although to this day I am still not entirely sure why, I have always known it was more my doing than you.
I always had this vision growing up that somehow we would pull together, in the end; we would always know each other. I suppose that childhood is an unrealistic time for seeking the true future.
Here I am leaving the city I have given to your name. To some level this city to me is you. No matter how much I try to give itís ownership elsewhere. But you have become hauntingly apparent before this short in and out. I have to admit I am curious as to why you have been on my mind, but then again Iím not.
Deep down Iíve always searched you out in the back of my mind. I always will, Iím guessing. There is this part of me that no matter how much Iíve grown or changed or destroyed, you remain in this hard part. Unattainable by all. And I promise I am not the same person I was once.
I could give you the details of my life, but really itís useless, because I doubt you will ever receive this.
Iíve often thought of looking for you, when I go to Portland. I find myself thinking of you in many instances throughout. But in my mind you have grown into a fictional part in my brain. The you in my head loved me better than anyone would ever honestly love me It became an unrealistic belief a long time ago. Although you never faded entirely and this meant I could never be apart from your history, truly.
However being in that green and wet and living city, I have found that you have remained this unchanged part of the make up of my innards.
Itís no secret that Iím a compulsive writer. Thus the need to express the ongoing tinkering inside my mind.
The point of this ramble? I still see you everywhere. Awake and in my sleep.
I am not really sure how to let you go. I thought I had a long time ago, but then I see you passing in my slumber still. I often wonder what kind of conclusion I so desperately seek.
My ex, the father of my child, tells me I need to just find you, and see you. That once I face you, I may be able to properly lie this all down. I have no idea what I would say to you if I saw you. I think maybe you will always be that one that I have no words for.
This is some sleepless ramble I write on a plane back home. Home to a town and a life that is mine, that isnít bad, yet somehow has this very faint ache. I wish I just knew how to lie this down to rest.
Itís such a private and subtle disturbance that I wonder if it ever keeps you up at night as well. Just know, that I still have sleepless nights with your name in my head. In your city at times, in fact. If you ever feel that pressing hollow in my scent and shape. It maybe the effects of my own subtle undoing.
Yes, I can in fact miss you still.
Years later.


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