Saying Sorry @ RomanceClass -
I miss what we used to be

We were best friends in 8th grade. Since the beginning of 5th grade until 8th grade all of your friends had always told me that you liked me. I never thought much of it. I didn't find you attractive; I though you were immature. Then, in the beginning of 8th grade I had this guy friend that you weren't too fond of. Then i found out he liked me. I rejected him. You liked that. Then, we started talking. I still remember that first day it felt strange; on the bus you were sitting next to me and you put your arm around me when you were listening to my iPod with me. ALL of the 8th graders were staring at us. It was so -- comfortable. I liked it, but my best girlfriend was sitting next to me with that "oh my god are you serious?!" face, so i took your hand off my shoulder and put it back on your lap. You sat diagonally behind me in History class. You were also in my Science and Language Arts class, but in History no one else that you really knew sat next to you so I had you all to me. I still didn't find you attractive at all. Tall, skinny, tan, brown eyes or whatever, somewhat of a hunch in your back that i found repulsive, braces with a HUGE gap in between your two front teeth, and you seemed to wear the same outfits all the time. Then, one day in December, it was a snow day. We had been talking quite a bit; we had always been on and off friends. Not that we got in fights, but we wouldn't talk as much at points in our time of knowing each other. On this snow day, my best girlfriend asked me to come over her house. Then I had this want for you to hang out with us. That was the first time i called your phone. We walked up to your house (My best girlfriend, you and me are all neighbors), and you came outside, wearing that white and gray jacket you always wore. We walked to the sidewalk and we all sat down -- you sat inbetween us, of course. You smelled so good, a smell that i can barely remember now. We all sat there and talked as the snow fell for about an hour, when we were interrupted by my mothers car. I had to leave, but it wasn't fair. I wanted to stay, but I couldn't. Then we started talking a LOT. You would walk to my table in Science class, sit there, talk to me during class, and when we had partners you would work with me or someone near me. Or when we would watch a movie we would sit together with all our friends and talk. Then we started to walk in the halls together, and you would sit next to me and my best girlfriend during SSR, until a teacher yelled at you. Before Christmas vacation, I was constantly being asked if you and I were dating; I would say no. I was so annoyed by everyone, I did NOT LIKE HIM! I thought he was so ugly. He was my best guy friend, thats all he'd ever be. All my closest friends would accuse me of liking him, and all I'd do is roll my eyes and say no. Finally, it was Christmas vacation. It was the day of New Years Eve, and I was going to my best girlfriends house for the night with my family and some other families. We were playing guitar hero in the basement, and I had a sudden want to invite you over to the party. My best girlfriend agreed, and we walked up the street to get you. You walked next to me -- you smelled so good. You were wearing that same jacket. That was the first night we ever fought over the pillows. In my best girlfriends basement, she has a few couches, with four soft pillows that I love. Of course, you tried to take them from me, so we were wrestling and laughing. Time seemed to fly by, and before we knew it, it was time to go upstairs with everyone and watch the ball drop. You sat next to me on the couch, holding the glasses up in the air, and I said this. "I've always wanted a New Years Eve kiss." You looked at me, I looked at you, and the ball dropped. Then ever one said "Cheers!" and I drank the glass. I wish we kissed. I wanted to, but I reminded myself, he's so ugly why would i ever want to kiss him? Everyone at school will be right. I don't like him! Then in the basement you laid on the couch and me and my best girlfriend sat on you, laughing. I sat closest to your face, which I liked. And then again, we had to leave too soon. Thats when I started calling him. We started talking on the phone for hours on end with you, me, and my bestgirlfriend. I still remember that night where we were all on the phone and we all were in beds, laughing, saying where we were on the bed. I said I was laying next to you, with one leg over you, and then I'd say I was sitting at the foot of the bed. I miss that phone call; I was on the phone with my two best friends, fooling around. Another snow day came, and we all hung out. We went in my best girlfriend's basement, fighting over those pillows again. A few more snow days happened, and we'd do the same. Before I knew it, we were spending four hours on the phone on school days, and even more on weekends. It was the middle of January when you showed me the music. Decembers, by Hawthorne Heights. You showed me all the Skillet songs, and It Was You. "It was you, that showed me who I am, and taught me how to stand for what is real." I was secretly crazy about you, but it didn't hit me yet, because I didn't want to like you. I didn't want to like someone ugly. Then I noticed the gap between your two front teeth was gone. You started to write me notes. When I didn't pick up my phone, you would leave me voicemails. You went over your cell phone minutes, thanks to me, but that didn't stop you. You called from your house phone, and even your mom's cell phone sometimes. I loved that. Then on January 20th, yes I still remember, I went to the movies with this player type of guy, and we kissed. You wouldn't talk to anyone for FOUR DAYS. I was so confused, even though I secretly kind of knew it was because of that night I went to the movies. Everyone told me he liked me. I denied it. One of your best guy friends told me you were going to ask me out on New Years Eve, but you didn't. I wouldn't believe it. I still don't know why. My best girl friend said I was in such denial. Then you started talking about girls. You would never shut up about these two certain girls. I couldn't STAND IT. I wasn't so much jealous -- well maybe I was -- but you ALWAYS talked about it. Then you asked me to go to the movies with him and everyone to see Cloverfield. You sat next to me, of course. You wanted to make out with me. Your friend behind me was trying to get us to kiss by pushing our hands together. I refused -- you had a girlfriend (everyone told me it was just to get me jealous). I didn't want to kiss you. And so I said, "No, you have a girlfriend!" Then you called your girlfriend and BROKE UP WITH HER RIGHT THERE ON THE PHONE! I was in such shock. Then you smiled at me, and I went to sit in a different seat. I was so disgusted, or confused. Then it was another snow day, the last, I think. We were fighting over the pillows in my best girlfriend's basement, and you had your hands under my shirt, on my stomach. The "Are you nervous?" game. Ah, of course. You were on top of me, and you seemed to scare me in that moment. I liked it in a way though. I jerked away though, and we played guitar hero like we always did. And of course, I always sang to you on the phone. You loved my voice, even though I never really cared for it. Then, it was the month I'll NEVER forget. February. We were on the phone the night before Valentines Day. I was telling you how I didn't like Valentines Day. "My great-grandfather died that day, I wasn't alive, but still, my family isn't so bright that day. Plus, its a day for people in love to celebrate and everyone else just prays to get a flower, which I haven't ever got so I don't really care." Then at the bus stop that morning, Valentines Day, you said this. "I kind of got this for you -- I know you don't like Valentines day, so I thought it would make your day better." It was two little monkeys hugging eachother with a heart box full of candies, with a red balloon that said "I Love You!" I didn't know what to say. My jaw dropped, and in those morning rays of sunlight I saw the color in his eyes. They were hazel. Not "brown eyes or whatever." They had green in them that showed strongly that morning. I felt my heart sink, more like melt. I don't remember what I said to you. Then, I felt embarrassed because I didn't want to carry it onto the school bus and get harrassed with questions. I stuffed it into my backpack. I smiled at him, and we got onto the bus. I only showed two of my friends what you gave me. I was sort of embarrassed, but it was so much embarrassment; I thought of it as our secret. I liked it. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, and the look of hope that I'd like what you gave me that Valentine's Day really made my heart melt. Then, a few days later -- February 17th -- we went over my bests girl friends house with my other friend as well. We walked down to the pizza place. Whenever I go there I always sit in the seat we sat in that night that feels forever ago. We played footsie. Then when we were leaving, you and I decided to hide on my two friends; we hid behind this tall tree. You cutely but awkwardly pretended to look for where they were but slid your arms around my weight. The amount of butterflies that swam in my stomach that moment is indescribable. Then I turned around and asked "What now?" with a smile on my face. That moment your eyes seemed to be gazing towards my lips. I had that chance, but I didn't kiss you. Then we went back to my best girlfriend's house, to the basement, like always. We fought over those pillows. Then we all decided to sit on the tiny couch. All four of us. So you suggested that I should lay on your lap (to lay across the couch and lay my head on your lap/chest). I had even worse butterflies. I thought I was sick. Then we decided to watch a movie. I didn't want to turn around. I wanted to look at you. I could feel your uneven heartbeat. I loved it. When you looked down all I could do is close my eyes -- as if embracing the rain on my face -- spreading a smile across my face. I will remember that. The way you smelled and everything. When you went home that night, I remember you calling me and telling me my smell was on your close. It made me so curious. I liked how he knew my smell, and the fact it was on his clothes. The next night we went on a walk. Only me and you. I walked my dog, and we walked up and down the road once. You walked me home. When we were in my driveway, you said bye. THAT was the moment. But I didn't. But you didn't. Instead, you snapped out of your longing to kiss me gaze and high fived me. Then you started to walk away. I had never felt such strong regret before. Then the next day we went on a two hour walk during the day. To the pizza place, and we sat on the sidewalk talking. He knew that I liked him. I had never been so close with a guy before, emotionally friendship wise. I trusted you with everything. I trusted you more than my best girlfriend sometimes. You were more important than anyone else in my life. I loved how we talked about our dreams to eachother, how I sang to you on the phone, everything. Then that night, my best girlfriend slept over my house and you and I were instant messaging. You were acting strange. I tried so hard to get it out of you, to see what was wrong. Then we shifted to the subject of who you liked. Finally, you said, "IT WAS YOU." you wrote a long paragraph, explaining everything. My heart was on crack - literally. It was pounding so hard, the butterflies I had, I was so excited. My denial had all vanished. Everything. I wanted to say yes. But I thought of everyone at school. I thought of their reactions. I thought of having a bad relationship with you. What if we broke up too soon? Would we be friends anymore? Would we be BEST friends anymore? So I said to you, "I'm not sure." I lied to my best friend, saying I didn't like you. Lies. I was CRAZY about you. Your scent, your newly discovered green hint in your eyes, that stupid jacket you always wear, everything. You weren't ugly. The next night, you asked again, and I finally had said no. I said I wouldn't want a relationship like that with you, I didn't want to lose what we had. You were crushed - so was I. The days went on. We talked almost the same as before that night you confessed. Something didn't feel right. I didn't know what it was then. OBVIOUSLY it was the fact that we weren't together. Of course, I was lying and hiding things from my own head. Then, that dreaded day came. March 14th. Pi day. I got a boyfriend. I couldn't stop thinking about you, I thought it was too late. I decided a boyfriend would be a good distraction. It was worse. My best girlfriend was taking your side and trying to help. It brings me pain to see how upset you were. But I didn't just want to break up with my boyfriend. Then when you and I talked on the phone you sounded different. I knew at that moment, you had moved on. I felt my heart rip apart. You gave up, and I was so upset. I wish you didn't give up. I wish I never said no. Then you showed me that song Black Rose. It reminded me of the night we walked in the snow. It brought so much pain to me. Then, my boyfriend and I did something very stupid that was one of the biggest reasons why me and my best girlfriend aren't friends anymore. We were best friends for 7 years. Gone. Just like you. So I finally decicded to break up with my boyfriend. I wanted you more than anything, but you had been constantly talking about these two girls. One girl I didn't really know, but the other seemed whore-ish. I suggested the one that I didn't know. HUGE MISTAKE. The day after I broke up with my boyfriend, I went to the bus stop with the biggest smile on my face. When I told you I was single, your jaw dropped. You weren't. I felt my eyebrows pull together, my stomach drop. I felt horrified, crushed. You didn't talk to me for days. Then we talked again. We called, but not as much. Our friendship was fading. I was out of your top friends on myspace. I saw you and your girlfriend together a lot, but you NEVER kissed her in front of me. I knew you didn't want me to see that. I didn't either. My heart had been shattered, broken. We stopped talking on the phone. Why didn't I suggest the whore? You were gone. No longer my best friend. I started changing. I was serious, and depressed and miserable. Every night I cried my eyes out, sobbing, not wanting for you to be gone. It was too late. You tried, and it hurt so bad that you had given up. The month of May was miserable for me. And you even said to me before my depressed streak started; "I had a dream that you'd be miserable for months." You were damn right. I got to the point of depression where during the hours of night where my snots were all over my face from crying, I reached my hand towards the ceiling. "Take me, please. I want this to end." I was scared of myself. I couldn't believe what I had just said. You were gone, and thats all I could think about. You still sat behind me in History, but we barely talked. You changed a lot. You became very cocky. You weren't that popular, but you acted like you were. I wrote you notes and kept saying that you were changing, but you didn't seem to care. Then, that day. The day you showed me the ring you were getting her. It was only three weeks then, for christs sake! I started crying during class, but no one noticed, thank god. It was nearing the end of the month, May was almost over. I needed to get out of this depression. June had finally came, and I knew that I couldn't behave like this. I would still feel pain but I couldn't hurt like this anymore. You broke my heart. All the sobbing, tears, and whimpers to God of wanting it all to end was too much for me. I couldn't do it. I had barely moved on. But I could never listen to any of the music you showed me, or the tears would start. Eventually, as time passed, I learned to block you from my head. You kissed her in front of me. Months later, I finally told you why I dated that boyfriend. I was using him to get you off my mind. And I wrote all this to tell you how sorry I am for you, for me, for you and me and what we could of been. I guess it wasn't meant to be, maybe it wasn't true love, but it really hurts. I miss what you used to be. I miss what we used to be. I'm sorry.


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