Saying Sorry @ RomanceClass -
This is the glory we seek in life that words cannot describe.

Thoughts come and thoughts go. More often than not they are just emotions that cannot be trusted. Still, sometimes they are born of truth, but until that truth is seen, they will continue to just come and go .As time passes, I will see I could have done things so much different. Memories will return of frustration and bitterness when a kind word or a simple gesture of love would have given me the world I have always yearned for, a world where I was loved and belonged. Memories of times when, instead of being angry and afraid, I should have done what was needed to make you happy .Memories of times I abused the kindness and the love you showed me .Memories of how I lost my way and became a man who is ashamed to live inside his own skin The price of failure is losing that same world and now so much of life is spent imagining the special moments that should have been memories that now, will never exist. Once more I need to search the innermost depths of my soul and to be ready, when the truth becomes known, to be torn apart by the armies of guilt, shame and regret because it will happen.In life each of us is a mirror what we see in others is our own reflection the reflection of our own inner being.What I judge as weakness in another it is my own I see;When I question their character it is mine that's lacking;When I doubt their word it is mine I should question.Love is a rare gift. It gives life meaning and purpose. To be loved is a precious thing that must be cherished but to love the same one in return is the reason why we are here. For when we see the glow of knowing they are loved in their eyes, it is then we see ourselves for who we are.This is the glory we seek in life that words cannot describe. It's what dreams are made of but there is a price to be paid when such a love is lost and that is the pain and loneliness of failing to reach the mark. But for me, the real price is having to live with knowing it was always within my reach and I couldnt see that.No Iam not getting religious.They say God favours the loyal, the brave, the willing and the faithful. I think God favours us all, but when the time came, I could not grasp the miracle life offered because, when it mattered, I was not able to see. I had a dream come true but I failed, and the loneliness and the pain, when the truth becomes apparent,is overwhelming and again its my fault noone else.I am not a wounded warrior for a warrior would have found the solid ground in his soul to face his fears when adversity and doubt are rampant. He would find the courage and strength to hold on, to do what was right when all around was crumbling.It is the mark of character I could not find.So this pain is not just of losing the love of a lifetime. It is also the pain of losing self-respect. For when I most needed to be the man I want to be, the man I can be, the man I sometimes am, I became a man who lost his dream and the man i grew to hate as a child.It's why I have to do this once more and .Too much of my life is spent blaming others, life's circumstances and the past. I waste time endlessly thinking up excuses and reasons for why, but it always comes, in the cold light of understanding, those same reasons and excuses burn away like a morning mist to show the real truth that it could, and should have been otherwise. I remember a passage I once was told "four walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage". I know now what that means. Life sent me an angel with the gift of life. But instead of letting it become my life, it became a lesson I needed to learn. Patty,It was the lesson on how to love and be loved and I failed in this life THERE IS ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE AND HE IS WRITTING THIS.
So now, in this prison that is my mind, life is meaningless and has no direction. I wander alone in the dark with only memories of what has been lost and there is nowhere to go and nothing anyone can say to change things.I do not know if I will ever find it again .This should have been the happiest time I have ever known. A time where the gates to my life opened and I walked into the dream I had for my life. But I have ended up in hell, because along the way, I hurt the hearts of the ones who loved me and the gates closed.I miss you in so many ways. I miss your smile, the love you showed me, your openness and your kindness but mostly I miss your friendship and the dreams that would have come true because you were in my life.I wish I had showed you how much you were loved but I did not. I wish you could see in me, your dreams come true but you do not. I wish you were able to forgive me for failing, but you cannot . I am out of your life and I am lost. Every minute lasts a day and every day is an endless torture as grief tears at my heart and regrets torture my soul and the days come and go without end.There are no words to heal a broken heartor the pain i have caused. This is the worst pain I have ever known. It is a pain impossible to share and it is a story only I will understand. To anyone else, all they will see are words. They will never know what they really mean. In the years ahead I will read these words many times. When I do, I hope I will remember why they were written and the pain I have caused.P**** I wrote this not as an excuse but to apolgize and to tell you how i feel .I hope this dosent make you more angry at me because it not what i intended to do and i wont write any more about this because i dont want to cause any more pain and no response is required from you ok.


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