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Falling deeply in love in India
They say, you should never write your heart out but I cant share these things with anyone else but my PC.
In the early days of 2002,the month of May I was really depressed and repeating class 12.
I was in a pathetic state of mind and did not want to live (No one in this world knows, how close I was to killing myself at one point of my life)
Then one day our old tenants left our house and someone new was to arrive, they arrived
a week later: Mr. K.K his wife and his son and daughter (I was not keen to
meet them, I was not keen or excited about anything those days. I did not meet anyone of the
family members till about a week after their arrival as I just did not go out of the house.
My grandmother was the only one in the house who seemed to have just a little bit of an
Idea , about problem was. On the ninth day of their arrival they just came back from the temple
In Dilaram Bazar, with prasad. It was a summer evening and my grandmother was sitting outside in the verandah, when they arrived and not surprisingly, she called them in and they excepted the invitation. All had a chat for about twenty minutes in the drawing room and I
was sitting in the adjoining bedroom watching TV(or rather sitting in front of the television doing nothing as usual), and in between the sounds from the television, I heard a very sweet voice which was very -very soothing to my ears. I was eager to discover, whose voice it was
, but did not have the confidence to go in front of them. After some time, my grandmother entered the bedroom along with a girl with prasad in her hands. My grand mother introduced
us to each other and at that very moment I looked at her, into her eyes and this was the moment
,then in her piano like voice she said: ”Prasad” and then she placed it on my outstretched hand
, and as her fingers touched my palm, a chill ran right through my arm, into my heart and my soul. This was the moment when I came to know that, she was not just another girl that I had come across.
Then with a smile on her face and wishing me goodnight, she walked away.
That day after a long time, I felt like smiling and did not sleep the whole night as usual, but this time for a very different reason. I never realized, when those thoughts of dying and ending my life went out of my mind and I was all occupied with the thoughts of Swati. This continued for the next couple of days and then I was back again to my usual negative state of mind, because
I never saw her as I never went out of the house. Sometimes I heard her voice saying “Kartik mat karo, stupid.” Kartik was her brothers name. The more I heard her voice, the more I went out of my room to have a look at her. (Going out of the room was a big thing for me in those horrible days).
Then as time passed, I never realized when looking at her and feeling good became a part of my life. I started to go to school again and my mindset was just a little better, but I could never gather the courage to talk to her. She often came to say “motor chala do”, and every time I had contact with her eyes, I just kept still for a minute or two and then recovered my senses. It took me a long time to understand what was going on, as long as Diwali 2003.
That evening I was outside lighting candles in our letterbox as we do each year, and I just glanced upwards towards the balcony and THIS WAS THE MOMENT OF MY LIFE:
She was standing there with a candle in her hand and the flame was shining in her eyes. Those eyes were as deep as sea, as full of hope as a Pentium 4 processor, and asking a million questions about this world all at a time. That was the time I realized that I HAD FOUND MY ANGEL.
The next interesting moment came on my birthday in 2004, I had been told by someone that I had become a victim of some sort of black magic and that something wrong had been given to me to eat which caused all the evil effects. I was also given 7 reasons which made me believe in all this stuff which I would not write here. The result was that I decided not to eat anything which was not cooked in my home, especially sweet stuff. I had practiced this successfully for the last 6 months. That day, on my birthday, Swati’s mother came with a chocolate cake in her hands and requested me to have it, but I dare not eat it. Then she said, its been made by Swati, and then I had it without even thinking twice, and realized after eating it that what I had done. This was another moment which was special, my heart told me every second that she was not a stranger
, but my brain would not agree.
The next melting moment came in Feburary 2004, it was her farewell from class 12 and she came back late evening from school dressed in a blue saree and wearing gold earings, this was yet another sight which I can never forget. It is an absolute digital bitmap image in my mind.
Only, 1 guy in this world knows, how the hell I controlled myself and just did not go, kiss her hands and propose her at that very moment. Her beauty of soul and mind, really made me cry, I mean , how the hell can a person live in this world and yet be absolutely untouched by the world.
She was really innocent and noble hearted. Some times I argue with myself that how can I form such a deep opinion of a person, I hardly spoke to, but then each time I remember the sight of her eyes and look at her photograph, all the arguments end then and there. This is such an amazing experience for me and that is precisely why, I am writing it all on my hard disk. Even if I do not meet her again (which is the worst thing that could ever happen to me), I want to live with her memories forever and live each of those heart melting moments again and again and again and again………..
While all of this one way romance was going on, I never realized when my mental state improved and I was looking forward to do something in life. I did not have any friends at that time and decided that it first of all that it was time to find someone who could understand me and very soon, my search was over, I found Deeksha, on the web.
Now my engineering entrance exams were closing in and so were her board exams, so both of us mostly stayed within the house and I did not see her frequently, but every night when I went to sleep after my studies at about 2 AM, my mind was occupied with her thoughts. I am not afraid of young girls at all as my father says, he was at my age, but she was the only the only one , whose sight just left me speechless, motionless, stunned, and upper storey failiure. I mean ,the only organ that seemed to work was the heart and my heart just told me to go and sleep in her arms for ever and ever and ever…………God knows, how I am still living in dehradun, miracles do happen ,you see!
The next melting moment came on April 11, 2004 and was the most dangerous of the lot, her exams were over and she was to visit a doctor, we had made recent visits to. So my grandmother decided to take her and her mother along with us next time. On April 11,2004 she came and sat in the front seat along with me. The three of us were together for the first and the last time, that is me, Swati and Sanjana. I do not know, how I drove to the doctor with all my concentration on the her, all the way without meeting with an accident. From that day onwards when ever I drive my car, I see her sitting on that seat no matter who so ever is sitting there and her inspiring smile of an Angel. Her green suit was also something I would never forget, she looked so heart melting in it.
Now ,time passed and her father was posted to Bangalore, I got the news two days before my counseling and that day a mechanical engineer was transformed into an IT proffesional ,simply because he wanted to see his future in Bangalore, an IT hub of the country.
Now I came back and she was going to leave on the 13th of June. We invited them for dinner and she came and I ate nothing ,I just watched her eating and smiling in between. My heart was shouting, please give me some poison Swati, but she could not listen. That was the last I saw her, she went away the next day, never to comeback and my heart was praying: “God, please give her all my joys and everything she wants in life and keep her happy always.”
What I did the next day was even more hard to understand, I went up into the room she lived in and collected all the things she left behind, which include a comb, a shampoo wrapper, some broken hair of hers and a munch wrapper, these things are still kept in my locker and are sacred to me, I do not know what had happened, but I was going crazy and had no control over myself.
In the following days I was really depressed and tried all things in the world to forget her, but all in vain, I was hers from head to toe and could do nothing about it.
Now , if I never meet her again I just want to live my life with her memories and Sanjana, I do not know how long I shall live, but as long as I live I , each of my heart beat will shower upon her blessings and love, that’s all. I want to make her the happiest person in the world, but no one in this world will ever understand me and my feelings, but I am not going to change for anyone or anything, that’s all.
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