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Loving secretly

To be honest I never had a crush until now. I'm not allowed to date, PERIOD. And I don't like dating at ALL. I don't even know why I like him, and IT WAS NOT LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR OMG HE'S SO HOT!! When I first saw him I didn't really have an opinion about him, but I don't know why I started having feelings for him. He's a junior I'm a sophomore. He never spoke to me , though I a always go to the hall pretending that I need something from my locker, or hugging one of the junior girls, or drinking from the fountain just to see him. I REALLY want to know what he thinks of me...I hope he doesn't hate me or think I'm ugly. I stress out over yearbook pictures because I want to look good so he can notice me. My parents don't like it when I talk to guys which I rarely do unless it involves schoolwork or a movie or just a conversation in class. He stares at me for like what- 2 seconds and looks away. When we pass eachother he shrinks himself away-either to be polite and not bump into me or just hates me. Sometimes out of the corner of my eye i see him looking back at me but im sure hes looking at someone else. Another time he was across the school and there were no girls but me on the other side and he looked at me for a few seconds and looked away. What does that mean?! He's not interested? Once i gave him a drawing and a reference sheet to give to the seniors ( cuz he was going downstairs for class) and he didn't even look at me , he kept staring at the picture and said 'cool shirt' he was looking at the reference picture I think. I got so beyond upset because that was THE FIRST TIME I *SPOKE* to him and he didn't look at me. He heard my name being called and he turned around to stare at me for 1-2 seconds. I felt happy that he looked at me but angry because I didn't understand WHY he looked at me. I get so jelous when a girl classmate talks to him. I know I sound selfish and snobby but I can't help these feelings...I love much. I justwish he can notice me, get to know me. He never leaves my mind , I always daydream of us getting married. The saddest part is I know we'llnever be together. It hurts so much love someone secretly and that person has no clue or any feelings at all for you.


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