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Love was not meant to be
Its Hard, but Feels Right
My day started off like any other. School. Home. Ya know, the usual...
When I got home, I decided to surf the net. Being the horny little goof that I am, I went to a hentai site and noticed a "Chat link". I clicked it. After hours of fun typing, I got bored and speculated the other chatrooms.
The sn "Red" caught my attention immediately.
I started a convo with him: "Red?"
He replied: "Red Moon"
Ever since then we've been talking, in fact, we became best friends. I told him that I loved him, but he was not so straight forward. lol. Anyway..
He gave me his phone number. Now this happened in the spring of 2004. I called him almost every night during the summer. He called me..once! lol. One night, while we were talking he said something surprising.
"I love you"
I went completely nuts and starting screaming around the house. This is how our little secret affection began. Later in the year, he told me that he loved another girl. I was fine with it. (being that I am bisexual) I thought it was cute and that the girl and I could share. Boy, did I regret that.
In December, two days after my birthday and three before Christmas, he told me that he couldn't love me anymore. And do you know why? Its because he couldn't love two girls at the same time. He chose her. Yeah..very sad. I sat up crying and upset for nights on end. I even tried to gain his interest back. Making him jealous works to some extent, but he's still all for her.
Now lately, he hasn't been able to talk to the other gal and seems to be more pressing on me. Me? Oh, I love the attenion. In fact, I still tell him that I love him and we get affectionate. VERY affectionate. But the thing is..he won't tell me that he loves me back. Its his loyalty to her.
Look at this email from him:
"guess i'm not going to bed yet. umm...the real me is back, and i'm sorry, of course :P i just meant that you really are my best friend, ok? it's platonic, like a brother/sister thing, not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. i didn't mean it like that...i can't help but think "what have i done?" because it seems like i ruined something. i didn't mean to make you stay up, and please disregard that last e-mail. i was just being stupid. i won't say anything else about love, because i can just say what i meant by calling you my best friend, and it apparently makes you sick >_> if i had only gone to bed when my dad said i should, this would have never happened. it's strange how little choices like that can change so much, you know? right now i'm not even sure if you'll ever look at me the same way again. really, i didn't mean to freak you out, i guess i should take what i said back, you're my best friend, that's all i meant. it was closer to the way a guy will say "i love you, man" than the way someone confesses love for another. i wasn't confessing anything, aside from the fact that my perverted self can be stupid. that part about me wanting you for sex didn't come out right. all i meant was that i had one part of my brain was getting urges to have sex with you, and really wanted it, while the other part wanted you to stay too but knew you shouldn't. i was just tired and not making sense, as usual. i pretty much assume the next time you mail me you'll hate me, and i guess you might just need time to let off some steam, or you'll hate me forever. i can understand that too, because i can be a real jerk sometimes, but you know that already. one thing that i really want to avoid is you thinking i only want your body or something like that. i hate people who think that way. i never want you to think i'm like that. i know you've probably met plenty of people like that in your lifetime, and i was hoping that maybe i could take you away from that stuff. i guess i'm starting to ramble about stupid stuff, but i don't really know how to end this. i'm sorry i freaked you out, i know everything just came out wrong. i think it was because i'm tired, but sometimes i just say stupid stuff. i hope you have a good day tomorrow, and i hope you slept well, for what little sleep you got. that's my fault too, so sorry
p.s. if you forgive me, i'll...rap for you *already starts to blush* XD"
yes, I love him with all my heart..but..maybe we're not for each other. ha, I know that I will never love anyone again. yeah...its a suicidal feeling, really. but I've learned that you must live for yourself and your own goals. not for some boy. good luck with your lives
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