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Lost my own true love

I never really believed in love, or that me being a man could ever truly love a women. The love i speak of wasn't some dumb feeling in the pit of my stomach, it was true love, pure and simple. I met her at a party right before school started. I am a sophmore in college and she is a freshman. I was talking to some guy i didn't even know when she walked by. The guy i was talking to started to hit on her and asked her, "what do u look for in a guy?" She looked at me and said, "a nice smile like you" I hadn't even said anything to her and she was hitting on me. We talked for the rest of the night, and she ended up giving me a ride home. Later on that week we went on a date, and then another, pretty soon we were dating and neither one of us had even been looking for someone. Love truly found me when i was least expecting it. We had a connection. It wasn't the type of connection u have with people everyday. I didn't feel the need to hide things from her, i could be myself around her and she could be herself around me. The problem with me is that i was scared of love. I didn't want to get hurt and i didn't know if it was love i was feeling. we were together for 5 months. we were together a lot. we had 2 classes together and she would stay at my house almost every night. I have never had as much fun with a single person as i did with her. I was the type that normally got bored with girls after a month or so. I figured this would have happened with her but it never did. I must also say that i am not a virgin and she is. we never did have sex and i am happy we didn't because she wants to wait till she is married. anyway, we broke up after 5 months because i wasn't treating her right. I had been taking her for granted, i didn't know how to love her, and i let the fear of losing her create stories in my head. she would go out with friends and i would trust her but then my mind would run wild creating stories that she was messing around on me. then i would give her attitude or not really talk to her and then later just say to myself, "your a jackass, she comes home to u every night." They were a bunch of stupid little fights. We broke up for about a week but then got back together. The worst thing is that i know she truly loved me, i could tell, but she couldn't tell how much i loved her. We got back together cause she missed me and she said that no other guys compared to me. Well stupid me ruined it in a week. the same ol shit happened. I wasn't giving her what she needed and we broke up. Its been almost two weeks now. What is killing me the most is that i had her love and i threw it away. Now i know what love is. its thinking about someone whenever your not with them. its the last person u wanna see when u close your eyes and the first person u wanna see when u wake up. its that girl i saw inside. its knowing that when u wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, that the rest of your life can't start soon enough. I am 22 yrs old and i didn't want to be married for atleast another 5 years, but i would propose to her right now if i thought she still loved me. I would tell her, "Baby, I love u, I have always loved you, and i will always love u, I know i haven't always been able to show it in the past and i know i will mess up in the future but u will always know that i love u with all my heart. I am just a man who wants to love u for the rest of his life. It would be the my honor, if u would marry me." I would marry her in an instant and i would love her forever. since we have been apart i have been changin. she didn't like me smokin pot every once in awhile, i finally realized that she was more important than that, i quit. i vowed to never smoke again. I have also started to build a faith so that fears don't control my life. Anyway if u have any thoughts for me send them to
i would appreciate any insight anyone might have.


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