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We were freshmen
We first met about a year ago. We were freshmen starting our first semester in university. He was the joker with the weird antics, I was the quiet one with the vibes of a confident alpha female (in his words). We both joined the jamband at our hostel but never thought we had anything in common, so we never made an effort to talk to each other.
As it was, things were going pretty good with our band. The bunch of us worked really well together and we'd be making good music every week in the music room. For the whole of the semester, we were just bandmates and that was that.
Then the holidays started and through a little embarrassing misunderstanding that he sought to clear up on MSN, we became friends. That's when I got to know him a little better but...still no sparks. In fact, we used to talk about our crushes and ask each other for advice. Eventually we both gave up on our crushes and well... it kind of happened suddenly I guess. Night walks, watching the sunrise, meals together, little initiatives here and there.
From then on things started moving really quickly. Within a month we confessed our feelings at a nice scenic corner in school. From then on, it was simply incredible. He showed me sides to him that I'd never seen before - he was always a little eccentric, hypersensitive to the touch. But once we became a couple, he was amazingly affectionate and caring. We were so happy, both convinced that we were meant to be. The chemistry was mind-blowing, and he used to make me laugh so much. With him I felt light as a feather. Careless, happy, free.
Then, just as quickly as it happened, things started to go really wrong. To sum it up, he wasn't ready for the level of commitment that I wanted. I was his first girlfriend, he was my second after a long-term relationship (several years) so I guess it was a matter of differing expectations. He's highly independent, and the more I demanded commitment, the more distant he got.
What followed was the age old story of needing space. It was torturous, having to see him every day, performing at gigs together and trying to act like everything was okay although we were ignoring each other.
As it is, my girlfriends rallied around me and gave me all their support. I cried everyday over the phone and it became extremely difficult to concentrate in school. Then one day I suddenly had the presence of mind to decide to end it. I truly believe that God spoke to me at the moment - you know, that feeling of sudden serenity and peace of mind. I knew that what I was going through was intended to teach me to build my own happiness. Also, I didn't want to force him into something he wasn't ready for, and considering the fact that we would have to work together in future I didn't want things to get too ugly.
So we had The Talk. I told him that we're better off as friends and that I didn't blame him for anything. I guess he did stuff that were pretty insensitive but bottomline is he didn't do anything serious (like cheat or flirt) and I wasn't handling the issue too well myself so I decided I simply didn't want to settle for a relationship we both weren't ready for. The breakup was unusually amicable (my last one was rather messy, with too many loose ends and lots of drama).
We haven't contacted each other since and it's been a month. I miss him very much and seeing him still tears me up a little. Sometimes I can't help wondering if he misses me and wants to try again but I know that for my own sake I have to learn to be stronger instead of depending on some guy for my happiness. I fully intend to move on and live life better than it's ever been. It gets better everyday although it takes sooo much conscious effort. I've set a few goals for myself, mainly to shape up, enjoy my holiday job (got a pretty good one!) and improve myself. I'll be seeing him again soon for jam practice but I will stay strong and believe that if we're meant to be, he will come back to me. If not, it's a great lesson learned anyway :)
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