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Temporary temptations

We've been together for over two years now and I love him and can see myself marrying him at some point. Over this past summer though he and I were having issues communicating, and I was starting to feel bored...of what we did on dates, and his personality. I tried to let him know how I was feeling but felt like it still wasn't helping. In the end, I started having feelings for a new friend of mine, he made me laugh and always looked extremely good, and I was so conflicted on what to do with my feelings for this new guy because I was starting to REALLY like him, I asked my boyfriend for a "break" to get my thoughts figured out concerning him and this new guy. While on the break, I kissed the other guy, and it was nice but it wasn't my boyfriend and I decided I didn't want to be with him, and that I honestly loved my boyfriend and we'd work stuff out. I felt so horrible for cheating on my boyfriend that I told him about it right after it happened. He was so hurt and upset, he had this blank look on his face with so much hurt in his eyes that I'll never forget it. :[ Over the past few months, we've started to rebuild our relationship and we've actually been never better and I love it. :] However...the other guy told me he was moving away and all I could think about was how much he really meant to me as a person and that I WAS going to miss him, and regretted not giving him a chance. Even though, I know I love my boyfriend and this new guy ISN'T the right one for me. Over the past two months after finding out he was moving, he and I cheated on my boyfriend 3 more times before he moved away, even knowing we were not going to have a relationship together and that it was for closure. I decided that I couldn't tell my boyfriend about it this time...but I feel terrible. :[ I know that if I tell him he will leave me because he told me so after all this first started. And I honestly can't say I would blame him. How could he possibly forgive me AGAIN? I want to have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend very much, and to be honest with him and for him to feel like he can trust me. I felt better knowing that I let my boyfriend know from the start how I felt for this other guy from the beginning, and confessing what happened the first time..but now, after keeping the other times a secret, I don't feel better anymore. I just really don't want to lose him.. I honestly don't know what to do at this point, whether it really is better to tell him and to lose him but feel better, or to not tell him, feel terrible but get to stay with him..If there is anything I've learned it is this, do not cheat. End of story. If you are feeling confused and need time to figure stuff out, then break up. If you're meant to be, you WILL be together. And if you're still tempted to do it again, at least tell your significant other like I did, maybe then you can figure out why you're feeling that way, what exactly those feelings mean to you, and whether or not you're happy with where you are now...Apparently I'm just weak and couldn't let go of this other guy, even though he wasn't "the one" for me. And now I'm stuck in this shitty position. I feel like the world's biggest bitch to my boyfriend because he has been so supportive and understanding and has tried to make our relationship better and it actually IS better now...I just wish I could have let the other guy go without even needing to kiss him and spend time with him and was strong enough to stay away from all those temporary temptations. :[ If I could, I really would go back in time and do things different and never cheat on my boyfriend. *sigh*






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