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life will go on
How it all Started
I'm Abbe and I'm going to tell you the tragic story that I went through as a junior high student trapped in the world of growing up... I'm 13 years old and this boy *Jake* has changed my life, myself, and what I now believe in...
It all started on Monday, March 22, 2004 *6th Grade*. It was lunch time... everyone was getting ready to go to the gym for free time. We all got to the gym, and I got in line for basketball. My friend Ian was standing behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. He said, "Abbe I know who likes you!" And I go... "Okay, who?" and he goes... GUESS! SO I guessed Jake... and he goes HOW DID YOU KNOW!? And I was like... well you hang out with him a lot. And he told me that... because on the Friday night before me, Daly, Brittany, and Alicia saw Jake, Ian, and Matt at the movie store and they like weren't saying anything. But Ian told me that right before they got to the movie store was when Jake told them he liked me!! And so the next day, Jeremy asked me out for Jake... and I had to think about it... so finally in our first hour class of Language Arts + in ... the class I had Jake in... I told Brittany yes, and she told Jake. This all happened on the day after Ian told me... March 23, 2004 on Tuesday.
I was on a co-ed soccer team with Jake too, that Brittany had started with her dad being the coach. Anyways, on the following Saturday (March 27, 2004 *Movie started at 7:05PM*) after me and Jake got together, we had another soccer game, and me and Jake decided to go to the movies to see "Hidalgo," with Eric and Shannon, who were also going out. After the game, we all went home and took showers and got ready to see the movie. I picked up Eric and Shannon and my mom took us to Jake's house. When we got there, Jake was dressed up and had his hair that one special way that I liked it and he was shooting hoops. We got in the car and his dad drove us to the theater. We sat in the second to the front row... order was me farthest inside, Jake, Eric, and then Shannon. The movie was great, and I usually cry at movies, because I'm like that... and after we were all sitting out in the lobby and I had a little bit of tears, and Eric was like "Abbe are you crying??" And I said quietly... "no" and Jake said "Yeah, she was towards the end a little..." Then he put his arm around me, and was like "It's alright." And wow, that made me soo happy. Anyways... Jake's dad drove us home... and I remember his dad had put on the Dixie Chicks, and Jake was like, "Dad, can you change the station." And his dad was like... "What? You don't like the Dixie Chicks?" And Jake was like... "Um... no" Haha. I'll never forget that date, because it was probably the best date. I also remember, the time that Jake got me a big hershey's kiss. It was in the morning before school started and I was hanging out with Jake Bradsher in the lunchroom, and suddenly a whole big crowd of kids come in following Jake. Jake's got this huge Hershey's Kiss in his hand, and he comes up and hands it to me. Awww, I loved that. It was soo sweet of him. But, remember this was all last Spring. I can also remember the time when in his 3rd hour, Jake wrote in red pen really big on his arm "I love Abbe" in a heart. Wow, he was showing it to everyone! I thought it was soo cute. And Jake, he'd always sit by me at lunch, and was a great boyfriend. I can also remember the time, that Alicia called him, and asked him how much he liked me between one and ten. Jake goes "How am I supposed to answer that?!" And Alicia was like "1 through 10!" Then Jake said "Does 11 count?" Oh my god, it was so sweet. And, Alicia and Jake were pretty good friends back then, she'd call him when I was over, and me and her would argue while on the phone with him, and he'd just laugh and listen. He'd even come to my softball games and watch me play. He'd just sit there and watch the whole game. That made me feel good too. One time at lunch, Eric bet me 20 dollars I wouldn't kiss Jake on the cheek, so I said "Jake come here" and he got up with that one cute smile he has, and red cheeks, and came over... I quickly gave him a little peck on the cheek and Eric pretended not to see it so he wouldn't have to give me 20 dollars. It was pretty funny. And none of the teachers noticed! Online, we'd talk a lot... and whenever someone had to go... we'd spend like five minutes just saying good bye. I can also remember, how it was Spring break, and he had just gotten home from Alabama and Georgia. I went over to Alicia's house and she wasn't home, because she was at Meijer's, so I just decided to wait for her to come back. She called the house with her mom and I answered. She had no clue I was there. We were talking, and then she saw Jake at Meijer's with his dad. She goes "Oh, WOW, Jake's here!" and she ran up to him, and was like... "Jake, Abbe's on the phone... wanna talk to her?" And he said sure... so me and Jake talked for awhile, because I missed him sooo much. And when he got online when he got home... I said "I MISS YOU A LOT!", and Jake was like "I MISS YOU A LOT TOO!" And I go... not as much as me though. And so he was like " Okay... then I MISS YOU ALOt!"... see I have a lower case t so you beat me by a little bit!" Haha. It was real cute. There were so many memories from when me and Jake first started goingout that I will never be able to forget.
Break-ups and Make-ups
I don't know what happened, and what came over me, but one night that Spring, I decided I had just wanted to be friends with Jake. I laid it on him softly... and I heard rumors that he was crying for two hours, and that made me real sad. The thing was, that on that same night I had dumped him, I had softball pictures, and he had baseball pictures. I got to the fields... and I saw him there playing catch with my buddy Spencer. He kept looking at me. It made me feel so bad. By the end, Jessica pulled us together and was like Jake, will you go back out with Abbe? And Jake said "Yeah" And then she looked at me and was like Abbe, will you go back out with Jake? And I said Um... Yeah"< because I felt really bad, that I was right there standing in front of him... Couple weeks later, I ended it... Again... well Vanessa, Katie, and Michelle made this deal... that Michelle wouldn't spend the night with us at Vanessa's if I didn't ask out Jake that next morning again. I thought it was a joke, so I agreed, and the next morning they called and I guess we hooked up again. I was really upset, and I had to explain to Jake online what had happened, and he took it alright... We went on and off from there a couple of times. I even went out with Kevin Rapp once, just for one day, and that night, I couldn't take it, because I was missing Jake sooo much... and online I told him how I felt, and he asked me out again. We started going back out at the beginning of Summer... it was pretty wierd because we only went on a few dates. Jake got me a teddy bear at the bowling alley we went to too. I don't know what happened, I guess, because it was Summer, and I had broken up with him all those times, he had lost the feeling. And that Summer, I had really started to love him more than I ever had. It's when I had started to realize that I really did like him. School started up again, we had two classes together... first hour Language Arts plus and seventh hour Social Studies. On and off, one day he would act like he cared about me, and the next he wouldn't. At the football games, they were alright. One time, I just broke down and cried because I heard some bad news about Keenan who is one of my best friends, and because I thought Jake was gonna dump me. He came down when he saw me crying and sat by me and asked me "Are you alright?" And I said yeah, wiped my tears, and he put his arm around me. When it got later that night, I was really tired so I fell asleep on his leg while his arm was around me. That was probably the closest me and Jake had ever been. Other games he would put his arm around me and stuff, but yeah that was truly one of the best memories in our relationship. After that, I really don't know what happened. We weren't as close anymore. We'd never talk, and he'd never sit by me. Occasionally he would... but only when people told him too. It had gotten worse and worse, and finally I can remember on October 23, 2004, the first game of the World Series MLB... Boston against St. Louis, Brittany spent the night... and we talked about it allnight... She kinda got to me... he really didn't care anymore. But I didn't want to believe that, because I thought that maybe if I held on a little bit longer... maybe... he could go back to feeling like he used to. Time went on and nothing changed... he'd always just leave for practice after school... without even saying good-bye to me, even though we were alomost 5 lockers apart. When people would ask him if we were still going out... or if he was going to dump me... he'd reply with an "I don't know" or no comment... sometimes he wouldn't even speak. On the week of Mid-marks... everything changed. It was a Tuesday, and after school, me and Jake were walking down the hall down B wing, because he had to go to the locker rooms and I had to get Jessica. When he turned the corner... he said "Cya Abbe," And I go "Bye Jake", and then AdamF saw all of this, he pulled us back, and was like "Alright, now Jake, give Abbe a hug" He came over and gave me a big hug. Wow, it was our first hug ever haha sad I know, but we hadn't gotten very close over that year... Then Adam told me to give him a kiss... I was hesitant, and said "No, Adam, we're in the hallway!" And Adam was like, just do it! Jake doesn't care do you? And Jake was just standing there with that one smile, red cheeks, and he said "no", and so I quickly went over and gave him a quick kiss. Kiss number 2. After that, Vanessa told me she asked Jake if we were still going out, and he said with a smile "Yeah..." and it made me happier. The next day, after third hour, I always walk down to the band room to get Anna, and Jake came out put down his binder, and offered me a big hug... Wow, I was like, maybe it's changing for the better! I thought it was all getting better anyways! And by the end of that next day we had hugged 3 times. It was amazing. On the third day, which was Thursday, it was a half day, and no one could go into the gym in the morning before classes. I didn't see Jake, but Shannon told me that when they were at the lockers, Shannon told him to give me a hug when I got there, and he goes "Where is she?" And then, I was looking all over the school for him... Brittany told me he was in the library, and that while they were looking at books, he went up to her and asked "Have you seen Abbe?" And so I knew he cared! It made me feel real happy. But the next day, we didn't have school... I guess I celebrated too soon, because I then thought everything was all better. That next Monday... it went back to it's old ways. We never talked anymore, and we'd only hug when someone pushed Jake into me. I really don't know what happened. It's like he changed over the weekend like THAT. One time in Social Studies... Jeremy was like "Jake did you and Abbe make out?" And Jake did that one thing with his eyes... where they move up and down, like a "Yeah!" He denied it, because Jer told me, but Jeremy and Brittany both told me it was true. Ha. Back to the subject... I went on a couple more months... getting more depressed everyday... not knowing if Jake really did care anymore. I actually already knew he didn't, I just didn't want to believe it. One day... December 7, 2004, I went down to get Anna again after 3rd hour, and Jake and Ian were walking behind us. Ian goes "Hey Abbe!" and I looked back and turned around and was like hey! And Jake goes "Hi" And I said hi, and then we kinda both stood there for a second, cuz like I was waiting for him to like give me a hug or something, but he kinda turned to give me one, but then he took too long, so I just left, cause he obviously didn't care. Later, at lunch, I had brought in a piece of paper that Jake wrote my birthday card on last year on my birthday. It said "Happy Birthday Abbe Kim Adams/ Love Jake Emmett Hickey" It had originally said from, but then when we actually started going out, I found it and he changed it to love. As I was saying, I brought that in to show Jeremy... and Jeremy went up to Jake at lunch and showed it to him. Jake goes "What the heck? She remembers too many things!" And Jer came back and told me what he had said. I was sooo upset, I had so many things running through my mind... so I just came up with "Well, if you don't like me remembering things, then how about we forget about us?" And Jer went over and told Jake what I said... and goes "Alright then! Forget about it! It's OVER!" And Jer came back, I was shaking, I didn't intentionally mean to say that, I was just really upset. But then, when I started crying, Jake told people that he was the one that dumped me, when it was kind of a two-way situation. Then the next day he started telling people he was "free." And that really hurt my feelings, because I had never done anything to him after we broke up, and whenever I used to break up with him, I'd always say I wanted to be friends, and that I was sorry... he just went around telling people he was free, he even made a sign! That hurt my feelings so much, because it seemed like he didn't even care anymore, even as us being friends. So the next day after that, I made up something to say to him, to show him how much it hurt my feelings. This is what I was supposed to say: ***"Jake, I'm sorry I remember things, and I'm sorry that you think it's stupid how I remember things, but those things are important to me, and I just thought you might want this back because it isn't mine anymore. *Then I would throw the red piece of paper, or that birthday card at him, that I ripped up when he said that that day* Oh, and I just wanna let you know that I still wanna be friends, but I know it won't happen, because nothings going to change and it's been too long. You can still talk crap about me too, that's alright, because it'll just make you look lower than you already are. I don't regret liking you, I regret going out with you because all of this has turned into a lot of BULLSHIT! Oh, and I'm sorry for remembering this too, but last year a long time ago, you told me I made your life a living hell hole, well now it's my turn, because you make my life a living hell hole! The only reason I'm saying all of this, is because I'm really upset that you keep telling people you're free. I mean what do you mean by that?? How could I have held you prisnor... when you never did anything anyways?? And it hurts when you say that, because it seems like you never really did care about me... and you aren't willing to be friends again. *** Alright, well I said that all, except for the part with being upset about him saying he was "free." When I first started saying I'm sorry for remembering things... Jake was like "well I didn't mean".. and I kept goin... when I got to the part about him being lower than he already was... I couldn't believe I said it, because I know I would never say that stuff to anyone, and I felt really really bad. At the end of it all, everyone was laughing, even Jake, but I think it was just to not show he felt bad. He went around after that and told people I told him off. I was shaking after all of it, because I had forgotten to say the most important part. Shannon asked him if he was still my friend after it, and he said "I don't know, I dont' really like her as much as I used to, becuase she said that to me" And Max told me he was acting kind of pissed. I felt so bad. So, at Seventh hour, Jeremy was like "Jake, Abbe really didn't mean to say all of that stuff, she was just upset of how you kept telling people you were free, and she's sorry", and Jake turned to me and looked me right in the eyes and said "Yeah, I'm sorry for saying that stuff too." And I finally thought it would all be better... Wrong was I...that next Monday, Jessica went up to him at Lunch and told him that I bought him a 20 dollar gift certificate to Finish Line for Christmas... and I really wasn't supposed to, because my mom didn't want me to get him anything... and it was my only Christmas money... well she told him, and he was like "Dang it, I should have waited till after Christmas to dump her." Dang, that hurt me a lot when he said that. Jer told him I knew he said that, and he said he knew I knew and that he didn't care. I mean really, all I wanted to be was friends... but he just kept ruining it for the both of us. He's hurt me soo much this year... when I haven't done a thing to him, I even got him some baller id bands for Christmas, and he made Jeremy say thank you for him... he didn't talk to me at all.
A Lesson Learned
I can't get over him quite yet, because I know that he did once care for me and love me, and I just can't understand how he could have changed so fast, and so much. I know I'll have to face that he doesn't care anymore, but I miss him so much. I think that maybe if we became better friends again, I would stop loving him the way I do. It's hard, because everyday, we end up talking less and less. Actually... not at all. It's also difficult, because I hang out with a lot of his good friends who are also my good friends, and when we are all talking, me and him never talk, and it just feels so wierd. My friends are all sick of it, I know it, and I know they care about me, and try to understand what I'm going through, but what they don't understand, is that it's hard for me to let go, after the whole time that I held on in pain... And how in the end, it ended up not being worth it, to where he didn't really even care about our friendship. I know sometime, I'm gonna have to let him go, and understand he doesn't feel the same way, but when I look back on all of the memories, I think to myself, why can't he be like that again? Why does change have to happen so fast and so much?? Me and Jake were pretty good friends before all of this happened, and I wish we woulda stayed friends, because right now, it's hard loving him, at the same time him not caring, and not even being able to be friends. I know, I made this mistake, but I never thought it would end like this. I've learned many lessons in these past 8 months... they all taught me to never hold on to something that won't hold on to you... Don't get too deep into relationships at our age, to lead into something horrible... and always be careful what you say... I'll never forget this part of my life, because it has had such a big effect on me. I will and I do miss him a lot ... I've actually missed him ever since the beginning of this school year. There will always be a part of me that will still always love him... and hopefully, I'll learn to move on. He wouldn't know this either, but he's changed me a lot. The person I am. I hadn't been very happy at the whole beginning of seventh grade, because of him... people noticed how depressed I always was, and I wasn't that fun to be around anymore. When we broke up, people kept telling me that I seemed so much happier, but that was only because I didn't have a reason to care whether he still loved me or not, yet, I kept it inside because I was sick of showing how I felt, I was too weak to worry anymore, but I still do. I still worry about how I'll get back to being myself again, and how me and Jake will become friends again. Maybe, we weren't meant to be friends, because there's a reason for everything, but I'll just be sad to think that. I spent four months of my life... worrying about him, when he didn't even care or know I did. Everyone would wonder why I hadn't dumped him yet, and why I still love him, but they'll never understand that looking back on the good memories will always stop me from Not loving him... Maybe, he's just not ready. I'll never regret either, going out with him, because this whole experience was a good lesson on my part, and the good memories could never take over being bad. I'm just waiting for this all to end in a good way, because I've always believed that it'll always be better in the end, and if it's not better now, it's not the end. And, who knows, maybe this was all worth it... maybe in the end, we'll become better friends, and always look back on this experience... if not, it was our loss, and there was a reason for it. My philosophy for all of this: You live, you love, you die. If you're gonna love, then you're gonna have to go through the pain, because if you don't, it was never love to begin with. Don't spend your time thinking about someone who really doesn't care at the moment, because it's not worth it. In the end, you'll know that for the little bit of time they didn't care, they knew you cared a whole lot! *** Since, I believe there is a happy ending to everything, I also gotta know that, you're the one who's gotta make that happy ending... It might take time, but I'll just wait another 4 months... or even more for the ones I love!
it doesn't seem like a big thing, but if you were me, and u lovd him like I did... u'd understand... i also understnd though that if he dumped me that many times... i wouldn't feel the same either... just want ya'll to see wut ive learned from this experience, and ill never forget Jake, but life will go on...
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