Love Stories @ RomanceClass -|
Briefly, we met on line.
Good news- we're both in crazy love with each other.
Bad news- Our spouses aren't thrilled by any of this.
So we're reduced to well-times phone calls, PM's, TM's and email. On occasion we'll chat as well which is really the best for some reason for us. It's where we met- in a group chat. Slowly things built- though we did everything to deny our feelings.
Anyway, here we are a year later. Still sneaking our way through this...so hard but we just can't give each other up. We tried for two weeks, thinking we could do it. No good. When we reunited it was as if we hadn't stopped for even a day. She's my heart and I'm hers. It'll be some time before we can actually be together. Though she lives in a loveless marriage, she has teen-age kids and she can't hurt them so everybody tries their best to get along. It's horrible for both of us though to be so far apart. The few times I've been able to visit her (she lives wayyy up in Canada) it was magic. I could write pages and pages about the first time we ever met but I'll sum it up this way: It was THE best day of our lives. Period.
Here are some actual PM's we've written back and forth to each other...
Yoday is New Years's day, 2008.
I've spent the better part of the day trying to free you from my thoughts by playing games, watching movies, exploring the internet- all to no avail. You're still there. And I guess it's only right because you live there- always there, in my heart and on my mind. Every day since that wonderful day we met.
So I gave into it...
I let my thoughts drft then, back to how we all began. The dance we began together so many months ago; the tentative glances, the furtive looks the stolen moments. The nights we spent together discovering, chapter by chapter how perfect we are for one another.
I remembered our first day together. How kind you were to me. How loving. How you looked at me with love beaming up at me. How special you made me feel. And how good it made me feel to empty myself out to you, my One.
We're apart- and I don't know for how much longer that will be. I can't see me living without you past tomorrow but I thought that same thing yesterday...and the day before...and the day before that... so to say I can't live without you is a lie. I know I can, I just don't want to.
Tonight a light went on for me. All these months of heartache and longing, rehearsing the memories I have of you over and over. Recaliing the joy of each new thing we discovered about each other or had in common- coupled with the pain of knowing you are so far away. It made me wonder why you were there- in my heart- in my head- all the time. Why your face is always floating in front of me whatever I do, no matter how hard I try to forget you or convince my stubborn heart that if it could just forget all about you, the pain of separation would be gone as well. This heart of mine was made to love you. My arms were designed to hold you close. My lips designed to fall on yours. And all of me- every fiber of what I am cries out for you to be here beside me. And I am so sad...
But at least I know why now. Why it is impossible to shut you out; why choosing not to love you would be like choosing not to breathe, or to think; as impossible as stopping the river of tears that run down my face when I ache for you as I do now...
I realize it is because for as long as I've lived, no other has ever made me feel as loved as you do. And I just realized tonight how much I've always needed to feel that. And that is the elusive "why" as to how I can love you as deeply as I do- more than any other woman ever in my life; because no one has ever given more.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my girl.
Good Morning ****!
It is so nice to come on here in the morning to see that you have sent me something sweet, kind, funny...whatever, it is just nice to know that you think of me the way I do you. On the flip side of the coin, it is torture to not be able to check in here throughout the day, or speak to you everytime I think of something that I want to say, or see something that I'd like to share with you.
I don't have your other pm here in front of me...the one asking me why I feel that I need you, what I mean to you. I need forever to reply to it, to find the right words.
You are right about part of what you mean to me...You are a wonderful escape from everyday life, and all of the $hit that is heaped down on me everyday. I think we both do that for one another, and there is nothing wrong with that. (Sometimes it is akin to a prize fighter heading back to their corner to get freshened up in between rounds, except for us, I think our adversary is the rest of the world.) The time we have together is for sharing victories, defeats and the little things. We are a safe place to one another, a reprieve.
It is not only what you mean to me...it is what we mean to each other. Not only to be loved, but to be able to give love, and know that it is received...gratefully, freely, and with open arms.
It is true that I sometimes feel scared because our feelings for each other are based on fleeting moments...the all too brief and infrequent times that we have been together, and the heartache that we have encountered throughout. The nights spent online, the text messages, the pm's. Is that a fair representation of us? Is it enough for us to make it through? Is it an accurate representation of what the real world will be like together? When the phone bill is overdue and there are a million things hanging in our thoughts will we still be so into each other?
The highs are so high, and the lows are so low, there is nothing in between for us...just look at that night in Niagara Falls as an example. What a ride that was! Total, complete happiness, an amazing night in every way-yet full of fear, heartache, hurt and worry at the same time.
We have been through some fierce storms in a short while, you and I. You have carried me through some that you probably were never aware of, maybe I have done the same for you. Just knowing that we shared our hearts with one another, that you had faith in me, has spurred me on and helped me forge ahead and deal with some situations I never thought possible.
So...I ask you this...Isn't that what love is all about? All of those things? None of it will keep the "real world" out. It will sneak into our lives like a leaky door lets cold air in on a winter night....but we can snuggle for warmth, right? ...Together??
Love You, my boy.
Yeah...for now we'll be that for each other. And I hear what you're saying about wondering if this is any kind of preperation for the real world. Well, maybe not in the classic sense, but if we know nothing else, we know that we've always tried to be there for one another, to support each other, love them, run to when something or somebody hurts us, to make each other smile or to simply be there to listen to- like the night you told me the story of bringing ***** to see your grandmother and what she said to hurt you so badly. What could I do but just be there for you- your head figuratively on my shoulder.
So maybe that's not the same as being there physically day to day, but regardless, that's pretty good practice for the rel thing, you know? I mean- what else do you want in a relationship. I don't think either of us has had any of that for a long time- and isn't that what made fireworks go off when we found each other? No physical relationship whatsoever in the beginning- just another heart beat out there in cyberspace like our own?
(Her quote to me in PM)
I got in a huge argument with U-NO-HU last night regarding his smoking habits. I totally flipped, and before I knew it, your line about the differences in why we were each throwing our marriage away slid out of my mouth like butter. "I was tossing my marriage for a man who loved and adored me, who respected me and treated me like gold....You, you lousy #@&%!....you choose to blow it out in a long, raunchy cloud of smoke. Nice work...just one question....if what I did makes me a "*****", then what are you?!?!?!" He stopped dead in his tracks, needless to say.
I thought about this later...you clearly had been saving this one up for a while because you elaborated on what I had originally said ("lousy ba$tard...raunchy cloud of smoke etc.) Hope this makes him think about the way he treats you- and his family. I hope for his sake he gets his s hit together. Has he been spending more time with the kids? I know that was something also that bothered you- that he'd never spend quality time with them.
Here it is Sunday afternoon. I had hoped to have heard from you at some point. Too bad- we could probably each use a boost right now- I know I could. I've read and re-read every pm, tm and listened to all your voice mails that I have saved since November. Still not enough- I just need you so badly and we're both trapped in worlds we so desperately want to escape from. Hard to keep going like this but not impossible- trying to keep my head, find distractions in books and in my writing. Still seems so empty without you. I'm greedy- as much as we shared this past week, the moment we log off or hang up I immediately want more of you. You're such a part of me now. Just need to breathe you in a little every day to keep me going.
(This is a poem I wrote her just about an hour ago.)
How can I hear your heartbeat,
from a thousand miles away?
How can I be so far from you,
but see your smile each day?
And how can I just close my eyes,
but still so plainly see?
How can I but with a thought,
have you lying next to me?
To feel your touch, to smell your hair,
To know you miss me, to know you care,
To breach the distance, to melt the miles,
In every instance, for all this while,
How can I hear your heartbeat,
from a thousand miles away?
One thing I love to do is to call her cell phone late at night when I know it's off. Then the answering machine comes on I'll record a song for her on it so when she wakes up in the morning and checks it, she'll get a beautiful love song. I love to do this for her. I love to make her feel beautiful and important to me as well as loved.
Anyway, just in case you're out there shaking your collective heads, just know my wife and I were in the process of being separated a short while before I met my One (that's what I call her- my One because I know we were designed for each other.) so it is what it is. Don't judge us too harshly. We've both really found what we're looking for in somebody. It's just going to take a little time. In the meanwhile, we'll keep loving each other more and more from a distance until our day comes.
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