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he reminds me of dennis from eastenders

i'm 17 right now he's a couple of months younger than me. He's my second cousin and we spend a lot of time together. H'e had a crush on me since we were 6 but i never knew it was always my brothers who said it and so i didn't take notice. Anyway we didn't see each other for about 2 years due to family problems,and when we did see each other when we were 13 i had a bit of a crush on him, my mum then invited him and his sis to come to thorpe park with us and that just sent sparks flying. every weekend from then we had sleepovers, the last sleepover we decided to get drunk and we had sex, i felt really weirded out but he was so happy. we didn't really see each other apart from family gatherings. i've had a lot of problems with guys since then i've been attacked twice and given up on men. i started to think about him a lot and started to remember the old times and what he's done for me it was then i realised he is the only guy who would treat me right.He's a drug dealer now and i can't help but think it's my fault.
My older brother told me then that he's been asking me out and also asking how i am. and i realise now he loves me so much but i've hurt him i can see it in his eyes how can i tell him i love him so much i think about him day and night and can't imagine living without him.
he acts all hard then to me he is so sweet he reminds me of dennis from eastenders how he was with sharon.
i really want to tell him but i'm painfully shy we both love each other but neither says anything.






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