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Im so stupid. Well Im just really confused I guess. I like this guy, R. Hes the first guy thats ever really understood me. We've some what gone through the same things. We've pushed people away in our lives and well we've both gone through hell many times... Hes more confident then I am though as well as positive about things. Im always hesitant and scared about things as well as cynical about things too. I tend to be weird and random alot but he doesnt mind much. Hes so great at giving advice and hes just... amazing. But the problem is that he lives in another country.
When we were in 5th grade I use to have a major crush on him but the thing was I didnt even know him that well then. I use to play alot with his best friend but never did i really play with him or even speak to him. Five years have past since that time without any contact and then suddenly one day last month in august him and his best friend found me on facebook. I was soo surprised and speachless. Then him and I started chatting alot. We got to know each other in just a few days. It was amazing. Everything went so well and then...
I went out on friday and flirted with almost every guy... I kept thinking about him though... I was like what the hell would he think?... I couldnt help it. I had fun that night with my friend. I flirted but never kissed anyone or made out. I didnt even think about going out with anyone even though my friend tried hooking me up with someone. I wasnt interested in anyone of them just wanted to have fun I suppose... Im soo stupid. This guy kept coming behind me and urging me to dance or just stood behind me and held me... it felt so gud, so reassuring. I felt like all my worries were taken away.
I told R about friday night thinking that it wouldnt matter but I was wrong. He told me he felt like crap. No shit! God I feel soo guilty... but I thought it just didnt matter. I can do whatever try to find some guy in which I somewhat tried to on Friday night but didnt seem like it. I like him alot but hes not here! Its no fair. I want him to be near me and feel his presence but is it possible? Can I be with him? Doesnt seem like it... I hope I get to meet him in December though. Just really hope. All I truly wish is for him to be happy and thats it. I want him to find a really beautiful and smart girl thats really understanding and can just talk to him about anything. Then he can be happy and I wouldnt need to worry so much...and we probably wouldnt talk much either... It would be alright as long as hes happy.






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