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I'd wait for her, if time itself stopped i'd be here, waiting
It was stupid. Yes, absolutely ridiculous for one such as myself to even venture into the doomed space that is love. I do not think i was in love ,not at all. I do know that I was falling for her and falling hard at that.
Twenty one years in isolation i had spent, twenty one years of avoiding the opposite sex to keep myself detached and focused on what needed to be done. Being an orphan was never easy. Family after family, house from house i had fed and clothed myself since i was 9. 11 families ,22 different mothers and fathers, for me love was never a concept. Just a word , nothing implied or attached onto it. Just a word.
It seemed destiny brought me to America and here i finally started college as a freshman. A very old freshman but a freshman nonetheless. A few months into my first semester it happened. For the first time in my life i had developed an infatuation. I was confused at first, why did i act so out of character around her? Why am i making stupid remarks and mistakes? Why do i seem to lose my cool at the very sight of her? I did not know, i didn't really care. I just wanted this new insurgence of feelings to go away...it did not happen.
What does a man do when all of his desire is to obtain the unobtainable to obtain that which is forbidden but in arms reach?. I did not even know if she liked me. I asked her straight out she replied "No, only as a friend." A bleeding lie it was. She was just as infatuated as i was only difference being she was in denial.
What does a man do when he dreams a dream, such a dream that he has never had before?. A dream that makes him wake up with an enormous smile plastered on his face. Why did i dream of her? I've never dreamt of a girl before. Not perverse in nature this dream of simply of me placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Nothing more nothing less... i could not sleep the rest of that night.
What does a man do when against all odds he attempts the unimaginable. A leap of faith, a journey into the dark side of the moon. No light, no torch, no frame of reference nothing. Just his wit, his sight and the fragile glimer that is all that is left of his once beating heart. A heart that has been kept in the dark depths of a canyon, lost within it somewhere covered by dirt and rock accumulated over the years.
What did this man do? I'll tell you, he leapt face first into the abyss. I kissed her, my first kiss. I did not even know what i was doing i just leant in and kissed her. I did not even stop to think what i was doing, i just did it.....it was returned. I felt something i had never felt before, joy. True and unwavering joy. I had never felt so alive in my entire life. I held her there till her legs gave away and then i carried her to her carriage. Forcing , urging and compelling her that she must return home before its too late. She would not leave me. I looked into her eyes and saw something i had only but once seen as a child. Those eyes spoke "I care for you.".
A month has passed...i hadn't kissed her again.There is no way for me to describe the immense torment i had gone through. Everyday i longed for her lips to touch mine again, everyday i cursed myself for letting this addiction overcome me.
Our anniversary, i made a few phone calls to some old friends. I had secertly take her measurements as she slept on my couch one evening. A hand made dress for her, all the way from the far reaches of the earth, even matching shoes and bracelets to go with them. Yes, i had gone overboard for a one month anniversary. A friend told me i was insane and i should hold off till atleast a few months for such a large gesture. I went and baught her favorite flowers instead, sunflowers and a card to match. The words "XOXO John" the only words in the card.
I get to her home, i call her, she answers, she asks "Where are you?" ... "Outside your door." ... "...i have something to tell you" ...my heart stops ... " i can't be with you anymore" ... she cries... "I can't live like this..." ...my heart is back in the shadow... "I understand." ...i lie... "I brought you something, i wanted you to have." ...I walk to her car and leave the flowers and card there... "...i'm so sorry..." ...numbness... "It doesn't matter...i'm leaving now." ...don't... "Good bye..." ...don't say that... "...i'm sorry." ...please god let me tell her how much i... *click*
I'd wait for her, if time itself stopped i'd be here, waiting. If she only asked. I'd wait for her. And so i was waiting...dieing...suffocating.
Two months later, she has a boyfriend.
I am complete, no one can hurt me. I am the epitome of this lifes torment, none shall know what i know and none shall suffer as i suffer. My life is not for me, it is for others, i donate my life to keeping those i interact with happy. No matter what the cost. I am the Lion and the wolf. I am benevolence and carnage. I am the fallen.
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