How Tos @ RomanceClass:
Build Up your Self Esteem
This worksheet is part of the Overcoming Jealousy Program. Be sure to start there if you came into this page from another source.
So far we've talked a lot about the triggers that cause your jealousy, and the fears you have. But all of these are still symptoms of something. Let's take the most basic view of this situation. Love is what binds two people together. There is always going to be someone out there with more money, with a bigger house, with a more handsome face, with a more appealing body. That's the way the world works. But LOVE is what causes two individuals to dedicate themselves to each other and not jump ship every time someone new comes along. Because if a person is going to keep jumping ship, they will never be satisfied, because there is ALWAYS someone with more of something.
So a person who is feeling jealous is feeling that they are not good enough for their partner - that their partner will see someone else out there with "More XXXXX" and the love you share will not be enough to hold the partner to you.
One of the most important things you can possibly do for your relationship is to see, understand and appreciate your own good points. I'm not saying you should become egotistical and go around triumphing your greatness. You SHOULD be proud of what you are, proud of the things you have accomplished, and feel worthy of the love your partner gives to you. You love your partner! In a way it diminishes your partner's love to say "You bozo, how could you possibly love me? I'm worthless!" That would be saying that your partner was stupid and not choosing love wisely.
Have your partner write a list of the 10 traits your partner likes best in you. They could be that you are funny or caring. It could be that you are a great mountain biker, or love poetry. It might be that you enjoy rap music or sci-fi movies. Don't include things beyond your control, like physical traits. Include things about YOU that are part of your personality and hobbies.
Now look through the list. If you're not feeling worthy of your partner's love, you have a list to focus on! Your partner loves mountain biking with you? Make sure you get out on the trails together, and share that! Your partner enjoys the poetry you write? Write a new poem celebrating your love! Ask your partner to give you feedback on the things you are doing. The more you spend time doing things you both love, and that make you both feel good, the better you'll feel about yourself and your relationship.
Don't forget to also spend time on things YOU love. Make a list here of the top five hobbies or activities you would REALLY like to do in the next few months:
Now, think of ways in which you could do at least a few of these things. Yes, it might involve some time planning and money saving. But all too often we put off our own pleasures because of chores and work. You need to consider your own happiness to be JUST as important as other things. If you have to, schedule time for that three hour soak in the tub, or 2 hour walk in the woods!! There always needs to be a balance of happy activities in your life. If you don't have enough 'fun time', you can get grumpy ... which makes the people around you grumpy ... which makes your relationship grumpy. You might not even realize that YOU are causing most of that unhappiness! If you focus, even for 2 weeks, on finding small blocks of time to make YOU happy, you might be amazed at how the world around you reacts to that.
Once you have become happy with life, and happy with your relationship, the world will become a much friendlier place. You will realize that the people you were very jealous of before now don't bother you at all. You will know that you love your partner, your partner loves you, and no random other people could come between you two and the love you share. There will ALWAYS be people who are richer or sexier or have more possessions. None of those have anything to do with love.
Overcoming Jealousy Program
Master List of How Tos