Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -|
in hatred there is nothing to gain
Well my story is very long a complicated...
I met my Mr. Leo (not his real name) when I was in the seventh grade. Obviously I didn't love him, or even think I would ever love him. We were on a field trip, he was a year ahead of me in school and I was quite the ugly duckling. We met by an odd circumstance, he was randomly tapping people on the shoulder and looking away, very juvenile but we were what 13-15 ish. It was one day but throughout the day I formulated a little crush on him. But then he went to highschool and I didn't think about him again...
Until my Sophomore year, when I walked into Algebra II and was waiting for my seat. Then he walked in, and I noticed and I secretly really hoped I would sit next to him. So we are wating and his name is called for the very last seat, which meant I more than likely wouldn't be anywhere near him. Then fate stepped in and I was assigned the very last seat in the next row, make me RIGHT next to him. That was delightful, and then he was my buddy (in math that is) we had to switch numbers in our groups for math help (teacher assigned)...so then I had his number.
Throughout the class I would conveniently need help (juvenile I know), although I usually ended up helping him (which he will deny). I remember him leaning over me and I noticed his skin and his hands...and where his hair grew on his face and how he smelled. Stalkerish yes...but its an infatuation thing. then one night I was somewhat struggling with my math homework so I called our other two partners who both were somehow busy or unavailable...and then I got up enough nerve to call him. He didn't answer if I remember correctly, but then he called me back. We talked from 8 at night until 2 in the morning (on a school night)...I do believe that is when I started falling in love with him.
We talked occasionally on the phone after that, and I looked forward to seeing him in class everyday. I was a bit obsessive. Then Homecoming came around...I (being stupid) encouraged him to ask my (somewhat)friend to go with him...and he did ask her, and then that night they ended up dating. THAT SUCKED.
I became so incredibly jealous of her...I began to hate her (a girl I had known since Kindergarten!)...I didn't think she treated him good. I eventually backed off a little bit, and attempted to move on. Well they broke up and about a month later I found out...I didn't pry so I found out late...
Our math class ended freeing students for Spring Break. I also had been talking to him on the computer throughout the months. Not a lot, but casual conversations. I invited him to go to Daytona with me for the weekend, and he said he would like to, however that never happened...and then one day we made plans to have a picnic. I wasn't allowed to date at the time so I brought along my best friend. I remember everything about that day (music on the radio "everytime we touch", to what he was wearing "a lime green softball shirt that I wore after the lake")...it is (was) up there with one of the best days of my life. He came and picked me up and we had an amazing day. I watched him play softball for his church (and witnessed his first homerun, I claimed I was goodluck.) i met his mom and he put his arm around me. We swam in the lake and ate a picnic and at 6 we dropped my friend off and he drove me home. I remember going to get out and he shut off the car, and I said oh do you want to come in...and he said yeah, I want to tell your parents how our day went. So he came in.
This is where the really story starts...yes I realize I am writing a book, but you should know everything (from my perspective as I am sure his is different).
Well we talked to my parents a little bit and got on the computer and then we decided to go outside. It was around eight and the stars were just starting to come out. So now we are laying on my trampoline looking at the sky and talking. We talked for a while, and it was cold outside (it was March) so we were under a blanket. He leaned over and put his ear on my shoulder and said "is my ear cold" and I was so happy to be that close to him (as pathetic as that sounds.) I don't know how things happened, in all honesty they just did. He tickled me and then I tickled him and next thing you know we were full out wrestling. He pinned me down and then (as odd as this is) he licked me. I was like "you just licked me" and he said "yeah so" and then we tumbled around and that lick led to kissing and kissing led to making out. My favorite part about that night was our "pure romance novel moment" when we kissed and laid back just as a shooting star flew over us. It was amazing. We went back inside and he didn't leave until 4 the next morning. It was the happiest I had ever been.
However that is just the beginning of our story. Once that happens you would expect commitment...however he didn't want that. He didn't want a relationship. I didn't like that but I was infatuated, love drunk...I was walking on clouds...glowing. I was so happy, so even though it bothered me, I figured any of him was better than none.
It is safe to say he used me, because he even admitted he did. I was convenient. His best friend than started a thing with my best friend, a once again non-dating affair. We were a foursome, nothing could have been better (or so I thought at the time). My Mr. Leo played baseball and I was there for everyone of his home games (except the first one because it rained and I thought it had been cancelled).
Throughout the months we were off and on, he would ditch me all the time. I cried a lot. I didn't want to be his last option (not a priority). I should have known that it would lead to trouble. He wasn't good to me, but I put up with him (I don't know why I couldn't just let him go and move on, part of me wishes I had...) Either way for those months he would flirt with other girls and even tell me stories about how he still loved one of them. He never stop telling me how he still loved her. He was mean to me...I would cry a lot, but I stuck around (stupidly).
We agreed to stop (although our actions didn't agree). I eventually strongly disliked him (in a I love you so much and don't want you kind of hate) Then school started and I didn't want to see him. But fate stepped in again...we didn't sit next to each other... he sat at the very last seat and I sat at the first seat in the next row...so diagnol to him...which was ok...I didn't have to see him. But no, to make things worth, we were assigned lb station J, he was my lab partner...We fought all the time...however the more we fought the closer we became...we moved up another base...I became the first girl to go farther with him...base number three.
Hard times came...he was in an accident over the summer...and it really affected him. He lost somebody he loved and he still blames himself...I tried so hard to be there for him...When I got the phone call saying they didn't know how bad he was and that he was cut out of the car somewhere 2,000 miles away from home (on vacation with his friend) I realized how much I loved him...I was davastated...I wanted him safe, I wanted him home. He changed after that...for a long time. He was numb. He was mean, but I did everything I could...everything I thought was best...I realized how much I cared about him then...and I stuck by him even when he made me cry.
I played soccer, so I kept busy to, he had baseball...I thought we were good together. We fought a lot, but in the end we always made up. I told myself I wouldn't go farther than kissing him, if we weren't dating. I lied to myself...because eventually he became the first boy to ever touch me and I became the first girl to ever past first base with him. I trusted him, more than anybody. and I began to realize how much I did care for him (although I "couldn't" love him...I was too young to love somebody...) So we continued, not dating...but together all the time...and being more than friends...He wasn't there for me though. Not as much as he should have been. I was injured in a soccer game (which ultimately ended the sport for me) and I had to have surgery. He didn't come visit me or even call me. I was angry but I eventually got over it and forgave him...as I had always done before.
Then one day about a week after my surgery (in october) I recieved an IM from a girl telling me that she had done something bad...she proceeded to tell me that she had made out with a boy who she thought had used her because he had done it about a month ago with somebody else. Then she tells me that romeo was infact my Mr. Leo. This was devastating...I had talked to him and he didn't tell me...he never told me. He had been lying to me all this time...and I had been nothing but good to him.
At the time I was writing a journal about him...and all the times he made me happy and the times when he made me cry. At this point I cried and then snapped inside and became infused with anger...I snapped off my knee brace (I wasn't suppose to) and I grabbed the journal and my car keys and I drove and I found him. He came outside and I just lunged the book towards him...and I drove off...he didn't have time to explain nor did I say anything...no words were necessary.
I drove away angry and sad and really confused on how I let this boy hurt me so bad. He resorted to anger with me and told me "screw you, and that he never cared about me and that I was nothing to him." Then I reclaimed my two inch form and appologized to him...and tried to make things better...and he proceeded to tell me that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. I eventually resorted back to anger and we went three weeks without seeing each other (on our own time). Everybody new about his escapade (with a 14 year old girl when he was 18). I learned some truths (which I thought was the whole truth) about things...I learned that he had done it multiple times and the extent of which they had gone. (2nd base.) It hurt...and I promised myself that I would never let myself love him again...I would never go back to him.
He had kissed about 5 other girls and one of them more than once and done more with. After about three weeks he IMed me and said sorry...and we agreed to be friends.
I should have known that was an impossible task...but naively I believed that we could be friends. So I go over to his house to help him on his homework (now a new class, Pre-Cal...same teacher but we had different blocks.) We finished and began talking about everything...and he says..."I am sorry and he hugs me and he says I never want to let go of you...and he muttered the words..." He stammered out the three words that I had been waiting so long to hear...he said I love you.
He had said it before but had always revoked them...or said he wasn't sure...and that night when he said them...they were so sincere...and whether I had never stopped loving him or whether I started that night...I forgave him...I never said it back...but I didn't feel the need.
about month after that we were bck to normal. Things were better...we spent a lot of time together...we never used the "L" word loosely...if ever. I continued taking things from him...but I loved him and he might love me...so I put up with it.
Christmas came and went...we weren't dating but the same as always, we basically were. He was the closest person to me. I put so much thought into his gift and went through A LOT of trouble to get it. (an instrument that he liked to play...which he lost the cord for within 4 months...) He let his mom pick out my gift...but that was ok...he didn't have money and I would rather have him than anything...he didn't come to see me, although he made time to go and see her (the girl he stil loved...throughout all the time we were "together")...I let that go...we weren't dating so how could I be mad...it just hurt...but I never mentioned it.
He had a church play and I went to is rehearsals. That December he became my first and I became his (he wanted to wait till marriage originally, and I respected that...but when we had the oppurtunity, we took it.)...Then a day later...we broke up. I cried myself to sleep yet again...
I don't remember how we got back together after that...all I know is we went back to how things had always been. We eventually started dating...I remember how he asked me...we were listening to music on my bed lying there and he looked at me and he held me and said I like this...and I like being with you, and all the times we fought you put up with me and I am glad you did...and he said I know I said I didn't want a relationship but I do, will you go out with me...?" and I of course said yes...and he hugged me and said "now you are all mine"...
things were great for about a month and then his old ways came back...he began being mean to me again...and I admit I may be difficult but he would go out of his way to hurt me...or so it seemed. He would go through my phone to see who I called and who called me...I stopped hanging out with my guys friends (because it bothered him) and he didn't change at all...he hung out with other girls...and still didn't want people to know we were dating. It hurt...but I accepted it. We still never said I love you.
Valentines day came and went. I set up a picnic with all these assorted deserts and his favorite ice cream (sherbert) and I sprinkled little pieces of paper with some of my favorite memories with him all over...he didn't do anything for me...he actually went to play volleyball, and didn't come over until 9 at night...I was upset...but things went on for about another month.
Ironically, I ended up breaking up with him, because I had gotten kicked out of my house (My Mom...) and he was mad at me and I was upset...and he just drove away...left me with nobody and nowhere to go...that did it...I broke up with him and cried probaby the second hardest I have ever cried...
I regretted that so bad...however it may have been for the best... The next day I kissed somebody else, and to my despair I didn't feel anything...no sparks I guess you could say...
Nonetheless we continued doing what we had always done. It then became a year since our first kiss. We celebrated that day by going on a picnic.
We became closer as time went on. We spent almost everyday together and we became 100 percent comfortable with each other, in every way. We did everything together. I was so focused on making memories so that he would never forget me, that I made it impossible for me to forget him...
We went to Busch Gardens together, we visited the graveyard and all the parks...in all honesty we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We did "stuff" in the graveyard and in 3 different parks in town, in my pool, in my room, my closet, my downstairs, my parents room, my spare room, his room, his brothers room, his cousins room, in my car and his car, in the bank parking lot, as we were driving, we even pulled off the road on the way home...It was passionate, a passion I didn't know even existed...We would fight and then somehow end up pulling off the road...It was lust, hatred at its finest...we did these things...all the time. It was an attraction...a love hate relationship, how it had always been...but now it was so much more. More complicated, more intense, more often. He was my world...all I could think about was him...we spent most of our time together...He was my best friend...and I loved him. I loved him so much, I thought I might marry him...(skeptically, but I thought it.) I wanted to always be his.
Then trouble struck..."The girl" that one that he cheated on me with...well she began talking to him again...which made us fight, I couldn't understand why he wanted to hang out with her...it bothered me...and although he regained my trust I had my suspicions...
He hung out with her twice and each time I was mad...but I got over it...but then one day I hung out with one of my closest friends (who was my first boyfriend, although it has been years keep in mind since we dated, and he was moving in a week across the country.) I asked him to come with me, I told him prior and he still got mad, blaming it on the fact that I got mad at him so he can get mad at me...
I called him at 9:30 after I dropped my friend off, and he didn't talk to me, he was busy (playing playstation). The next day he called me and asked if I was going to the movies (but I had cancelled plans with my friends.) and then I said no, but I'd like to hang out. I waited a few hours and called him about 4 more times...and he never thought of anything to do (he was with a bunch of people, but he didnt invite me over)...so I went to visit another one of my friends. this friend is also a male, but I went over to visit him and his BOYfriend. yes, he is gay...but My Mr. Leo still got mad and that night I drove over to see him...and like an omen there was a black cat in the road...I knew something bad was going to happen. That night he broke up with me...although we wern't dating he said that he wanted to stop...I cried and he appologized...and he kissed me goodbye and sent me this...
"Jun 8, 2007 12:02 AM
Krissy your very near, and dear to me...you've always been a great friend, and always been there when I needed someone, even if I didn't want someone.
I know we've had our share of arguments, and issues...but at the end of the day we care cool with each other (I think lol)
I wish only the best for you, because you've been more than a friend, but a true friend, who would literally do anything to help me, and I'm forever grateful to have met you when I did...and had the oppurtunity to get to know you ;-)
Love (Mr. Lonely)
Take care ¢¾
I'm sincerely going to miss you "
He told me that he loved me and cared about me and that he was sorry...and I cried...I was miserable. The next day, things were the same as they had always been...I didn't understand...but I ignored the oddity of the situation. Two days later we went to the paradise, a vacation we planned for about a month. A week in the islands...it was amazing. It was the best week of my life... My Mr. Leo was perfect...yeah we fought occasionally...(we are a lot alike, both leos and both competitive...it is inevitable that we fight) however he put his arm around me constantly, he even almost got beat up when this guy said something deragotory about me out of his car window (like hey baby or something)...he stuck up for me...He was amazing. He kissed me a lot and told me he loved me often...he would kiss me goodnight and kiss me goodmorning...the first thing I would wake up to was him...it was the best feeling in the world... For once I could tell him I loved him and did. He would tell me he loved me...It was as close to perfection as any love could be. We went snorkeling and went to the beach, we seen a sunset on the sail boat...he held me...and I never felt so close to him...I never wanted to let go...saying goodnight was hard...but I knew I would wake up to him in the morning. Then one night, we couldn't take it...although I had my best friend there and my parents...we snuck off and we doing "stuff" and right in the middle...he asked me out...completely unexpected...I of course said yes...and once again reached an all new level of happiness...that happiness lasted only one day.
Before I end this story let me tell you some more of the things I have been through. He is brown...so naturally living in a smaller town we get "looks" . Not only that but my family for the longest time didn't like him (not because of color...but they didn't like how he treated me)My parents thought badly of me because we weren't dating...and they always gave me a hard time...I had to defend him to no end...(although now they like him...what great timing...) I was grounded because I broke curfew with him...more than once in a week...and with bad circumstances...I lost most of my friends because I spent so much time with him (but that is my fault and I don't blame him...) I lost my innocence to him (which I don't regret, because he is my first love...and I loved him with all of me...) My grades went down...once I had all A's and this time I had 2 c's (I don't blame him for that either, it was my own stupidity...) I just did all that I could for him...his car broke down, so I drove him everywhere. I lended him my truck because he had to do things in town all day and I was busy.(he used my truch to pick up "the girl")...He took her to a party...and to the movies...but I forgave him...as I had always done before.
Now back to why and how this happiness ended...
The next day happened to be "The girl's" birthday (she turned 15)...and she called him upset because he wasn't there...and it upset me that she called, but not a big deal...we got into a fight because he "thought" I was mad and we started talking about them hanging out...and I said I didn't like it...I didn't "forbid" it...I only asked him to tell me before he hangs out with her and to sometimes invite me along...I didn't think that was so unfair...but he wouldn't do that...He didn't want to make her mad...In my mind that is just as if he was choosing her over me...This was the girl that he had cheated on me with about 7 months ago...I didn't like them being together alone...and also when they did hang out, he took her to the pool (illegaly at about 1 in the morning, where they planned to go swimming in the underclothes...) now I wasn't happy about that...they didn't go swimming but they went back to his house...and they had the house alone...yeah I was upset, pissed off...but I got over it...but now we were dating and I wasn't going to be ok with that...so that night we broke up (he broke up with me)...I was up until about 3 crying...I cried myself to sleep. I missed the sunrise (that we had planned to watch) because I has originally wanted to see a sunrise with him...and now that idea was ruined.
So we pack up and leave...we get home. We didn't talk for about the first 3 hours...then things began lightening up...we were playful and we wrestled...he even felt me up in all honesty...he slept on me and I slept on him...he rubbed my leg and my face (which I love when he does that) and I played with his hair...I didn't really think it was over...
so we get home, and we drop off the pictures to be developed...and I go to take him home. We get there and we are chilling a little bit. ( My best friend is with us, she is dating his brother, who just recently left for the army...long story too.) Well he said he could kick my butt in a wrestling match, so I said yeah right...and we started...It was actually a little bit brutal, he hurt me a lot, but I wouldn't give up...so I got pretty banged up...but we took a break...and he said get angry...and he tried to make me angry...and so he said "well I didn't tell you everything and he smiled..." and somehow I knew...and I asked does it involve "the girl"...and he grinned and said maybe...and then with a laugh he told me that they had done more...again...
That didn't make me angry...I asked my friend if she was ready and I calmly went outside and then broke down...I began crying pretty hysterically...he must have felt some remorse...and he came after me (for the first time he "chased" me...) I can't recall what he said, I was not in the right state of mind...but I remember the last thing he said as I was leaving...he didn't say I am sorry, he didn't ask if I was ok...he said "don't let Katie see you upset..."
He sent me a message saying that is why he had wanted to end things...because he felt guilty and he knew if I found out that it would kill me...and he said sorry...and he said he didn't know why he had done it (his reasoning for every time, I wouldn't understand and he didn't know himself).
I out of anger messaged "the girl" and told her the big picture, I wanted her side...and she told me that she had asked me and he assured her that there was nothing between him and myself...which I don't completely believe her...but I do to an extent... Well she obviously told him, and so he resorted to being angry with me, deleted me as one of his friends on "myspace" and sent me a message saying
"you had no right to do that...neither did I. End of story"
and that was the last time I have talked to him. I recieved that message today...The pictures will be developed within one or two days...and part of me hopes they don't come out...I don't want that reminder of how happy I was...
Everywhere reminds me of him...It is hard enough just waking up in the morning...and it has only been one day.
I don't regret what has happened, not completely. He taught me a lot... He showed me how happy I could be and I learned how much you can love somebody...I learned that sometimes you give love without receiving it...and that is how you know its true...giving without any expectation of recieving...I loved him knowing he could never love me back. But I was wrong, because I do think he loves me...in his own way...I think I made him love me. And I wish that I could stop loving him...but I know in my heart it isn't that easy...I probably will forgive him (as I have always done before)...but I hope that I won't subject myself to getting hurt again...
As for my Mr. Lonely...I don't think he is a bad guy, and you shouldn't either. He is great, he will do great things in his life. He didn't use me in the end...he tried to love me.
And I am learning that in hatred there is nothing to gain. I am trying to not be bitter...I still love him.
and if I never see him again, my heart will only know the happiness he gave me.
5.00 out of 5 slimes
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