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I cannot forgive myself
I was friend with a guy for more than three years and we were getting married but a months before marriage he called me and said he does not want to marry and he did not want to. he said I do not understand him, etc. I asked him we have to meet up and talk about that and he said ok he will come and see me someday when he is ready. I did not hear from him for three weeks. I was getting mad and all my days and nights were tears. My parents suggested it is better I change my flat and move somewhere else and sharing with other people. I did that and sent a short email to him that I need my cloths left in his place and I am leaving my flat. That night he called me and said he will meet me in 20 days and he cannot come sooner and if I want my stuff it is better I go and get them. It was madness and also he demanded his gifts he had given in past three years. I really felt humiliated and belittled. I wrote him a long email and talked about my feeling and how much I have been wrong about him and the future I was going to make with him. A week after this phone call he called me and said he still loves me and wants to get back but I was so hurt and said love has died for me. 10 days later he called me and asked me about his gifts and how I want to return and he started talking about he does not like girls like me, how much he should support me moraly for in my problems, and if I marry him he won't support me financially after two years if I do not find a job. I started crying on the phone but he was calm. Then he said he wants to meet me somewhere to return my cloths and get his stuff and wants to talk about his future and insisted in this way we can breakup like friends but I refused meeting him and left his case somewhere and he did the same. He called me that day he went to collect his stuff and said what I have put in his case and asked for the list , I was so angry and hung up. He called me several times and I did not answer. When I opened my suitcase I found all birthdate gifts and the gifts my parents had given to him. It was another shock. Now 7 months have passed and I am still thinking about him and why, how this happened to us. The day he broke up with me on the phone I loved him and it was completely unidirectional. I feel guilty why I did not meet him the last day, could we talk and come back together or at least clariffy the problem and with clear mind move on and in the other hand I feel angry because I did not have a single value for him to come here and talk to me face to face and talk about the problem. He would rather breaking up on the phone and he did whatever he wanted without giving a single value to me. I do not know what to do, I cannot get him out of my mind, I cannot get rid of this guilty feelings and I cannot get rid of anger he caused. I do not what to do. It has somehow paralyzed my personal life.