I'm with one girl - but want to be with another
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My problem is complicated. In high school I was friends with a girl(1) who had a big crush on me. I was going to give her a chance but then I found out she was dating other people too, and I'm not the type of person to try to get together with someone who is dating anyone else so I told her I wasn't interested. A few years later I got a job and she also worked there. I didn't talk to her because I wasn't really interested.
I then met another girl(2) there who I thought was very attractive, intelligent, and we had alot of common interests. I was very interested in her but she had a boyfriend so I didn't pursue her. We were just good friends.
Then I started talking to the other girl(1) and we got together and had alot of fun. I've now been with her for almost 3 years. I do care about her alot, but I am not nearly as interested in her as I was when we first got together. We have fun sometimes, but we fight alot more. We all have different jobs now and suddenly the two of them became good friends.
Now though, the other girl(2) is single. Her and my girlfriend hang out sometimes now and I hang out with her(2) sometimes too. When me and the girl(2) talk or do anything we get along great. She is exactly the type of person I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. We have so much in common that I never find her boring and am always wishing she was around. I really don't know what to do. I want to tell the girl(2) how I feel because it really bothers me when she talks about other guys and asks if I have any friends that she could meet when I want to be that guy. I just don't know how she will react to it. If she wouldn't want to be friends anymore, it's unfortunate and not what I want, but I could deal with it. It's seeing her with loser guys that treat her like dirt all the time and knowing how good I would treat her that drives me crazy.
The other problem is my girlfriend. I don't want to hurt her but I know I'm going to. We live together and are both in college at different schools. We don't spend alot of time together anymore because of our schedules. I've just been hoping that she would find somebody else and leave me or get a job somewhere and have to move but it doesn't seem very likely to happen. I care about her so much, and I want her to be happy, but I want to be happy myself and she(1) doesn't make me as happy as I think the other girl(2) would make me.
It seems like there is no way everyone in this situation can come out with what they want, but even worse for me is it looks like I'm the one who is going to be unhappy. Any advice would be helpful, but it really looks like I'm going to lose everything and piss everyone off if I open my mouth either way about either problem. Thank you very much for reading all this, I'm sorry that it's so lengthy.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
Wow- that's bizarre- I've been going through almost the same thing. This won't sound encouraging, but now I'm cut off from both because it was too tough to deal with, and it was unfair to them while to have me around until I get it sorted out in my own head. I still don't know what my decision will be though.
I will say this: your situation with 1 seems relatively clear....unless positive changes are made, you need to break up with her regardless of what your plan with 2 is. Yes, she will be hurt, but in the long run she would be hurt more by you staying with her out of guilt- she should get on with it and meet the right person for her.
Once you do that, you can see how it goes with 2. Probably should take it slow though- since they are good friends, you are going to have be honest with 1 about the new relationship with 2, and tell her before you get too far...it would be devastating to her and un-classy of you to be pursuing her best friend right after dumping her, and have her hear about it through other people first.
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