I've been obsessed with checking my boyfriend out because I am overwhelmed with the fear that he is cheating on me
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Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I've been obsessed with checking my boyfriend out because I am overwhelmed with the fear that he is cheating on me. Either I am nuts or he is lying to me, because he claims that he never has cheated on me and that he never will. He is also frustrated with my questioning to the point where asking him any question at all if it sounds like it stems from jealousy will enanger him. He says he is tired of being accused.
In any case, I was trying to let go of my jealousy feelings and move on, and it just so happens that last week I happened to check his e-mail. I have checked his e-mail plenty of times before, and never found anything, but listen to what happened that day, and be honest and tell me if I am crazy for worrying. He told me the day before I checked his e-mail that he had to go to a job site right here in Kirkland to do a customer service call. It was nothing unusual to hear because he from time to time he gets a customer service call from different job sites where he has to go and fix a plumbing problem or such. He still got home around the same time he usually does. He just always makes it a point to tell me where he is. Anyway, when he got home, I asked him what did he have to do at the job site, and he said "downspout," which means he had to clean their downspout. I had called him once while he was at this job site and I could hear his voice echoing he was in an elevator, he told me, and that he could lose me any minute, which he did.
When I checked his e-mail the next day, I saw a message he sent to a guy at his job who keeps pictures of their projects on file, and the subject line said "downspout." What threw me off was that these pictures and the apartment number he referenced were of a different apartment complex, the project that they are working on at the Echo Lake location, which is where he works during the day when I am work. So that led me to wonder if he really had gone to do some customer service work at all. In my mind I thought, what if he went to do something else, and told me that he was cleaning the downspout since that's what they were doing at the other job site, and it would sound believable. I didn't ask him about it, simply because I can't really afford to. He is fed up with me always trying to come up with something to pin him with. But on Saturday night he had made me mad about something else, so mad to the point where I said, "and I don't believe you that you went to clean some downspout here in Kirkland. I'm not going to accuse you and say what I think you did, but I don't think you were doing that." He first replied, "you haven't changed at all and if you don't believe me, why are you here?" And after more conversation he said that he didn't see how we could be together if I couldn't understand the type of industry he works in, construction, and how it is much unlike the job that I work. He said that he didn't care if I didn't believe him because that's what he did and he has to do his job regardless of what I am sitting around worrying about.
Though I still didn't understand why the "downspout" pictures were associated with his other jobsite instead of the one he told me, I felt that his response was credible. I still couldn't see how he just so happened to have a customer service call that required downspout cleaning, just like his other job, but if I asked him, that would also expose that I checked his e-mail, which I told him before that I would stop doing.
When I came to work this morning, my brother told me that he caught his girlfriend of two years with another guy. The problem with it is that my brother has been cheating on her all along. He said that she never knew for sure that he was cheating, because he always lied to her and told her that she was insecure. It scared me because my boyfriend tells me also that he has never cheated on me, and he indicates to me that I make things up in my head due to insecurity. So now I'm back to having a hard time believing him again.
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
Take care of yourself
Oh my, I do feel for you. There is nothing worse than living in suspicion and wondering and obsessing all the time. I've been there to a certain extent and can only suggest that the "problem" more likely lies with you. In any case, since we can't control the future or other people really the only thing you can do is work on you. Work on getting to a place of more security about YOURSELF. If you start being more confident and self-assured, then these obsessive behaviors can start to diminish. You will realize that you are a wonderful person and deserving of his love and therefore won't doubt it so often.
You never mentioned why you are so convinced he's cheating. There are plenty of sites and books out there that will give you tips or clues to look for in his behavior NOT his email. The fact that you continually snoop through his mail (and who knows what else) will eventually catch up with you....it's doing real damage to you and the relationship.
But truly, once you start to feel better about yourself and more confident things will go much better. I mean really the bottom line here is that you can't control what he may or may not do...you can only control how you react or respond to your situation. Overall being strong and self confident will improve your relationship with your boyfriend as he won't feel so accused and pressured. AND ultimately, if he is cheating or the relationship doesn't make it... this new found inner strength will give you the ability to move on if that's what needs to happen.
Take care of yourself. Take some classes, get a hobby that you completely LOVE. Don't expect him to "fill you up" inside and you'll be happier for it.
All the best!
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