I Can't Seem to Trust my Boyfriend
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
In a relationship with this guy for a year and a half now. We don't stay together and his work keeps him very busy. I'm a very open person and have told him everything about me. Him on the other hand tells me things but not in detail and that leaves me wondering. I love him so and want him to be honest with me. I'm a jealous person but thinks he brings it out more by telling me about the woman at work and how they dress and things relating to other woman some of the girl friends he has....he knows how it makes me feel but he still tell me.
When we just started going out he had this friend @ work who use to phone him just to talk about problems...I was ok with that untill one day I decided to find out how close they really were. According to her he was ready to commit to her and that was just before he met me, but he said that's not true and she does not want to leave him alone...that she's telling lies to get back at him. I know it was his past but they went for milkshake and went to his place during works hours while we went out. I know he was open enough to tell me about the events but it still bugs me cause if he cant be honest about his past how honest is he now with me. I go visit at his place sometimes. He stays with his brother and his brothers girlfriend. Most of the times when I visit there I can feel this atmophere...she does not speak to me and it just feels suspicious.
We had a fight not to long ago and I told him how I felt...I was open and told him about the atmosphere there is and that it gives me the feeling his brothers girlfriend and him has got a thing going also told him that the reason 4 this was that he stopped kissing me the one day when he saw her in the same room...he pulled away from me and when I asked him what was wrong his pupils dilated and it made me feel like he lied to me when he said that his family is not used to seeing him with someone...we have been together for 1.5yrs they should be used to me by now.
Then he went further and told his brother and his brothers girl that I think there's something going on. That was my feelings and thoughts I could be wrong or right just didn't think it was fair to tell them. Now I go visit and I feel like a smuck cause of what he told them...was personal. I found out from a friend that he told them about my thoughts. When I went to visit him that night I asked him if he ever talk about our fights or prob. to his brother or the girlfriend, also told him that my reason for asking is that I sometimes talk to my sister about my feelings and things. He looked me in the eye and said no he don't talk to them. On the weekend I calmly told him that I know he did talk to them and that it's kinda ok just wanted to know why he lied to me...he said he wanted to see how far I would take the issue. I struggle to trust this guy cause it feels like he's not honest with me and now that he's lied to me straight faced I feel even worse. If he could lie about that he can about anything.
I don't know what to do.....I love him so much but I don't feel safe in what we have. When ever we argue he will tell me he wants us to get a place together and that he oneday would like to get married, but when I ask him at times when things go better he will say " never saw myself as the married kinda guy". So many times I've been dissapointed by him....like he'll say I'll call you back just now and then he don't or he will say he's comming to visit then something pops up and he can't make it. On weekends after he finish work he will say that he's gona go do his own thing but never let me in on what is own thing is....I know we not joint by the hip but relationship is about sharing good and bad things. I wana hear about his ups and downs I don't wana wonder. I know we all need our time and I don't wana smother him just wonder why I feel like he's not totally honest with me. Please help.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
well... i have this trust issue in my own mind and sometimes it feels like its eating me away, but then i always tell myself that the reason i dont trust first is because i know you must have honesty first. Without honesty your just trusting what you dont know and what you think you know.And when you start to trust without honesty, you may as well start believing all the lies and feed yourself the torment. Because we all know that once we believe someone and then they stab you in the back,it hurts like hell. And what do we end up saying? " I will never trust again." Now after reading your little story on you and your boyfriend I can actually tell you that your instinct even to me seems more then normal and sounds almost more then right. You are not a paranoid person, you care! Youve been with this man for a year and a half and you want to grow with him more then you already have. If he says he does as well then I believe that his actions need to start speaking louder then his words. You are trying your best to listen to him and believe him when he tells you that this girl is only his friend or is really trying to get him, but something inside you just doesnt feel right. Does that make you a horrible, non trusting girlfriend. NO! It makes you a girlfriend whos in love and knows the person you love. Just maybe not good enough. Then again, a lie is not someone we know good enough.
You trust him enough when it comes to having girls as friends, and now you have this girl calling him with problems. Sounds to me that commonsense should kick in now.
Maybe you need to change the person you are, he wants to lie or at least not tell you where he's going. Play the game better and harder. Then maybe he'll get the point and maybe youll realize what you need to realize.
Just make sure you set him straight,meaning; definatley let him know that it makes you very uncomfortable for him to be talking to this girl none the less be around her and know what you know.
Anyhow, good luck and if i helped then your welcome. If not then your welcome.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer