Jealous Over an Ex
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I am engaged to be married this summer. I have been with my fiance for just over 7 months. She has volunteered information about her past sexual experiences which are very mild in my opinion in terms of the number of partners and experience etc. I have not asked a lot of questions, because I know how those conversations go and what's the use really.
My issue is this: A week or so before we went out for the first time, she slept with one of her good friends and co-workers. She works part time at a bar. Even though this encounter had little meaning according to her, I cannot get it out of my head. One, she doesn't sleep around (lost her virginity at 22 and she is only 24. she has been with 3 other people and me) Two, she told me that they had sex twice and that both times they were drunk. ( She doesn't drink. In 7 months I have seen her drink more than 1 of anything never, and she told me that she had been drunk twice in her life.) Also, about two weeks after we started seeing each other, she went out for her birthday and wound up at her apartment with this guy and another girlfriend and they were there until 6am. She says nothing happened and that she was crazy about me then anyway. I found this out much later when I found out that she had slept with this guy. Keep in mind that all of this is totally out of charachter for her.
Every time she goes to work at the bar, or I go up there, or I hear this guys name, or I see him, I just start obsessing about the night of her birthday and that night she slept with him (which happens to be 1 year to the day of the rehearsal dinner for our wedding) and wondering what it was like. Stupid stuff, I know, but was he better, bigger, more exciting...etc. I'm laughing at myself somewhat just reading this, but I found out about this over 3 months ago and still cannot let it go. If I talk about these fears and concerns with her, I will not get the truth I feel, but just what she thinks I want to hear, so how do I move forward still wondering if I am falling short of some sexual experience she had that I can't live up to or surpass, and has she been totally honest with me? I have trust for her, but not to the extent that if something happened the night of her birthday after we started seeing each other that she would tell me about it knowing it would crush me. Should it matter? How can I know the real deal? I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Male
Do you have to know?
Do you HAVE to know? I know I do. It can be painful, and it can really create trust issues if you insinuate that she isn't being honest. Don't let your fears ansd insecurities drive you to pester her. Preface your question with an explanation of how you are feeling and what your fears are, so that she can answer in a considerate way. Then BELIEVE what she tells you. If she loves you, then she will want to be honest, but she will not want to hurt you. She also does not want to feel promiscuous or less special to you. None of that crap works very well together, so understand that you are putting her in a very difficult position. I will say that for the last two women I've been with, the emotional connection we've shared has made me their best. That's what they said, and I think they meant it. Really good sex can happen without love, but for most women (who aren't sex addicts) great sex time after time requires a very intimate connection. My current girlfriend (and fiance) describes her past sex as not even comparable to our sex, because of that. If you love your girl, you have to give her a chance to answer this her way and live with it. Not believing her won't accomplish much.
If I had it to do over again with my fiance, I would ask about her past lovers this way... Once I felt that we were really clicking sexually, I'd say: "Tell me what it is about me, or us together, that makes our love making better than the sex you've had in your past." This would allow her to focus on the positive. Of course, if she didn't have much to say, I'd probably rethink things. As it was I made things pretty difficult on both of us.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer