He's Immature and Has Problems - but I Want him back
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
What should I do to get my ex-boyfriend back?? I recently moved and started at a new highschool as a junior. Within my first week I started dating an adorable sophomore. He's slightly immature, but he's got an irresistable naive charm. Within about two weeks I made the decision to break up with him, because he called me a 'slut' about a dozen times for no reason! I told him I wanted to remain friends, and we did. In fact, we became even closer. In a few more weeks, I decided to ask him out again. Things had been going so well. Within another couple weeks, I made the decision to break up with him again. He'd made the comment to a friend of his, right in front of me, that he'd like to be dating a certain other girl (who he seemed to speak to more than even me), and that if he could be dating her, he would. I then told him to go ahead, because he was single now. He was surprisingly really upset, and even stopped talking to the girl as much, and talking to me more. We remained good friends, becoming even closer every day.
On the night before my birthday I stayed at his house. I woke up and recieved a kiss and a 'Happy Birthday' first thing. I had such an amazing time that day! It was certainly the best birthday ever, just hanging out with him at his house. That night, when he called me, I asked him if he'd date me...again. He was so happy he cried, and he said he couldn't wait to tell his dad. "I've been waiting so long to hear that" he said. we dated for over a month this time, and we went through everything together. Every spare second we could manage was spent together. Every weekend he was over at my house, and he even began calling my mother 'mom' (his mother walked out on him at a very young age). Him and my younger brother even became best friends (my brother's just a bit younger than him). I'd known that he had problems with self mutilation, and one day, when I saw cuts on his arm, I checked the rest of his body. I knew he had a habbit of slicing his chest, and sure enough, there were nearly a hundred cuts on his chest and stomach alone. I was then faced with the dilemma of what to do.
After long thought, I decided to approach the guidance counsler, who spoke to him about it for me (of course I'd already spoken to him about it, but I felt that more was needed). When he returned, he was actually grinning from ear to ear. The first thing he said was "I didn't know you cared that much about me". "Of course I do" I replied, and we sat and held each other until the bell rang. He always told me that I was beautiful and "so smart!", and he always told me how lucky he was. I was so incredibly happy and complete.
A few weeks later, trouble started. He kept saying that he didn't feel like he was being the right person, and he even addmitted having said things simply because he thought he was being who I wanted him to be (i.e. agreeing with me about likes and dislikes).I responded to these comments with "Just be yourself honey, that's the right person, that's who I want you to be". Each time I told him that, he'd say, okay, I'll change, I'll be myself. Yet within days he'd do it all over again. By the fith time (at least) I decided something more drastic had to be done to fix this at last, and to bring us back to our happy relationship. I told him that I wanted a break. I made it completely clear that I wanted it to be 100% temporary! He was very upset and said that he cried himself to sleep that night. We, of course, continued talking. Things semmed well, and he still told me that he loved me.
But within a few days, things changed in a bad way. He wouldn't call when he said he would. He started hanging out with different people at school. When he told me that he wanted to hang out one Monday (about 4 days after the break) I was estatic. I thought he'd finally decided that he was ready to continue our relationship. He wound up spending the night, and between Monday evening and Tuesday morning, we had 'made love' about 5 times. On Tuesday afternoon, just hours before he left, he told me that he did not want to get back together. I started crying and was in complete emotional distress. He ignored me at first, going in the other room to play Playstation with my brother. I cried myself to sleep and awoke to him standing above me. He held me for quite awhile, and tried to comfort me. He gave me a kiss on the cheek, and left. The next two nights I called him to try to get an explanation. He said "It was too much trouble to worry about what you thought and how you felt, now I just want to be friends." I told him that for me, that's what friendship was all about- thinking about how the other person feels. He didn't respond to that. I then reminded him how he'd told me (before we'd ever had sex) that he "couldn't do it" unless it "meant something". In response he then said, "It was experimentation. I was a boy and now I'm a man". I told him that I really thought he was differnt than that, and got the cold reply "I guess you thought wrong". He said something about how much he'd loved me, and I asked what changed: "I guess I did". I was very upset and spoke to the guidance counselor (the same one I'd spoken to about his cutting). She told me that, in her opinion, he is simply acting strong to hide his hurt. I'd broken up with him a few times before, and maybe he didn't believe that I wanted to get back together this time. Maybe he thought that I was playing a game. I asked him if he thought I'd hurt him intentionally, and he replied "no".
I know that he's had trouble with women in general so far in his life. His mother walked out on him when he was very young, and no matter how he tries to stay in touch with her, she pushes him away. His father re-married a nice woman that my ex liked very much, but his father divored her rather quickly, and is now dating someone my ex feels is mean towards him. He had a girlfriend a couple years ago, before I met him, and I've heard, not only from him but from friends as well, that she treated him horribly.
Now my ex and I are pretty much back on best friend terms with each other. It's been about 2 weeks since the idea of the break first came up. I can't stand not dating this boy. Within the past 5 months (nearly 6) of dating him on and off, I've fallen in love with him. I find everything about him irresistable, even his immaturity. The two of us have alot in common, and I want to be able to make him happy and share our lives together. Now my brother is telling me that my ex is interested in another girl, although my ex denies it. I don't know who to believe. My ex also said "I just want to be friends now, but I might change my mind". PLEASE help me. I love this boy, and I want nothing other than to be with him. HOW CAN I GET MY EX BACK??? =(
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Female
Be there for him
1.) you shouldnt have turned him in for cutting, its hell to go through that, as a past self-mutilator, i know... By turning him in, you took away his coping mechanism... then you left him and took away his other mechanism for coping with stress
2.) DO NOT listen to a word guidance councelors have to say... they get paid to tell you what you want to hear...
You need to research people like him, self-injurers i mean... a good site is www.recoveryourlife.com ...
Tell him that you don't understand what he's going through, and you're willing to listen and understand, tell him you'll be a friend for him when times get bad. And make sure its clear to him, that you're there to be more than friends, if he wants that. But make it clear you're there for love, friendship, and respect, not lust.
Remember, people who cut themselves have a hard time understanding, controlin, and healthily expressing their emotion.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer