I'm Playing Games with my Boyfriend
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We get on brilliantly, always have fun together, and I'm treated like a princess.
The only thing is we are both 22 and about to graduate. The popular thing to do now is to go travelling for a year. I am really looking foward to doing that. My boyfriend also wants the same thing. But he announced to me two weeks ago that he's thinking of going away with his male friend. There was not even a suggestion that I'm included in his plans.
I didn't make a fuss and just joked about how we'd have to break up, because in my experience trying to stay together when someone's travelling doesn't work out well, and we're too young etc.
He thinks I'm great the way I think like that too, because there's no way he'd stay with someone while he was away for a year.
But the thing is I'm desperately disappointed that he didn't ask me to go away with him, as we get on so well and the fact that we both want to do this. His brother and his brother's girlfriend are travelling together at the moment, and are having an excellent time.
So...it got me thinking. And I decided I'd act like I'm not a doormat by not staying around. It's not totally true, but I told him I'm probably going to Thailand this summer with two of my friends, instead of the year away, because even though I want to go away for a year, none of my friends do. This summer is much earlier than he would have been going away. I wanted to see what his reaction was...
His reaction? He said a few things about how would I have enough money and a few discouraging comments etc. And then he didn't call me for three days, (I mostly wait for him to call me) and he's started acting all strange about how he might be going away for weekends with the guys etc soon.
So I get the vibes from him that he's genuinely upset that I'm making plans so soon without him...and it's backfiring in a way that he's almost copying my reaction to him. But it doesn't even register with him how that is similar to him going away with his friend for a year. It feels like a double standard!
My boyfriend is quite emotionally challenged and if I got all upset and needy around him for not asking me to go with him, I know he'd be very put off...because I know how he acted with his past girlfriends, and generaly guys do get freaked out by stuff like that.
He's coming over tonight and will be asking about my Thailand plans etc. And I don't know whether to tell the truth about why I'm 'planning' to go away or to just play along in hope that he'll decide he wants to go away with me instead (his friend isn't sure whether he can go away with him). I'd really like us to stay together, it is really something special, and we are like best friends, never arguing, as well as completely fancying the pants off eachother.
Do you think that I should just confront him over it, or would that scare him away? Should I go with the flow and see what happens? Or stay with him until he goes away with no fuss made, and let it be (I really don't want to let it be, and I'd feel a fool for staying around). Any suggestions? please help. Thankyou
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Female
I hate it when people feel that they have to play games with someone.Lying about how you feel is one of the worst things that you can do in a relationship.Honesty is very important and when you don't have that,your relationship will go downhill FAST!!!Tell him the truth and how you feel about this situation.If he really cares about you,he will understand and try to make amends.If he doesn't,then,he's only thinking of himeself.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer