I met this guy about four months ago but it turns out he didn't want a relationship
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Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I met this man about 4months ago. We were kindof seeing each other but it turns out he didnt want a relationship. Over the course of time we have small talked and he has slow danced with me after the fact, played my favorite songs, even sang a slow love song and said it goes out to yours truly(dont know if that was me). He has also flirted with me from time to time, and likes to pick on me(as he says it). Sometimes he gets fidgety and quiet, and after he stares at me or when we lock eyes he turns his head and kindof gets red in the face. He says hes always busy(works 2fulltime jobs), which i know he is.He acts negative, but i wrote him a letter recently saying that i see past that and that hes bitter at times, that i know he has been hurt, that i see only good in him and he needs to give himself credit for that. He also knows that i care much about him. He always tells others that he cant get into a relationship and acts negative about it,even before me.He is gentle with me one moment and then he pulls away and gets grumpy. He tells me to call him(when i ask him to do something) because he works sometimes till 3am, and when i do or meet up with him, hes too tired to do anything(which i can understand, but he works himself to death). Sometimes when i ask him to do something or leave a voicemail, he dont call me back. I recently moved out of the area and out of the blue i decided to call him. We talked for almost 20minutes and after that he sent me a flirty text message. I told him i wanted to ask him something and he said to say whats on my mind, since i was almost 2hrs away what difference did it make. When i was on the phone with him i told him i was getting ready to go out with one of my guy friends, and he said oh is that on of your ****** buddies? It sounded to me like he was jealous. I told him he was the last person i was with, and he knows that im not that way.Im now back in the area, and havent seen him yet but chit chatted briefly on the phone, of course i call. I asked him why he said that about my guy friend and he said he dont care what i do, in a negative tone. When he talks about a female, he hurrys up and says oh shes just a friend,and i dont even ask. I know his past flames text him from time to time and he gets crabby about that. Im not really sure what to think, I never been in a situation like this. When i do call and he answers(which is most of the time) he will talk to me for a few minutes and is decent. Should i give it time? Ive tried moving on, but its hard. Hes a very hard person to read, everyone knows it. I asked a few friends advice and they told me that he probably is just scared and give it more time, that its a fear he has. He has even confided in me about a few things in his past that was tradgic, but little bits at a time and never all of it. Thank you for reading this, i have been reading alot of the advice on here and i think it will help alot of young and older people out. I also think it is awesome that you take your personal time to dedicate your time to this website. Thank you very much for the advice :).
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
hello, its me the 25yr old that wrote in about the male who doesnt want a relationship. Thank you everyone for the advice. I still dont really know whats going through his mind(men i tell ya sometimes). Last week we went for a ride, and well, i guess most of everyone can figure it out. He told me the last time he got intimate with someone was a week and a half ago.I felt very numb, but i was still out of town for that time living in a different area so 'maybe' he thought i wasnt coming back.(Im not in denial, its just a thought because he got snippy with me around that time when i was out of town and i called him. I talking to him about meeting one of my friends who happens to be a male that for a night out, jealousy it sounded like from what he was saying before). I then 'on accident' left my sweatshirt in his truck. Last night i called and left a message telling him i wasnt calling him to chit chat, just to tell him that i can get it in a few days and that i wanted to make sure he was around, and that i would try calling him back to make sure. I did call back, he answered, and said he would try to drop it off. I told him to call before he came. He did, and said he couldnt do anything but drop it off because it was late(even though we took off at later times). So i told him "and?". thats all i said. He came by we talked in the parking lot in his vehicle for about a half an hour just BS'ing(also when i opened the door to grab my sweatshirt he made room for me and asked me why i was so nervous--which i didnt think i acted like it). I told him he didnt have to drop it off i couldve got it, and he said well it sounded like you really wanted it back so i thought i'd bring it to you. Maybe he finally wanted to be done with me and not even talk to me anymore, or maybe he wanted to see me and that was an excuse. Finally he said he had to go home so he could go to bed, i said exactly take care, drive safe, and bye. Closed the door,Never looked back when i was walking inside. I was kindof rude and very quiet at times, but i understand what females are saying when they get mixed emotions. I think in a way its time that i stood my ground and didnt get close to him. Maybe it will make him think. Of course i have other things im going through and have to concentrate on, and he knows of my problems and he opened up to me more about things in his life, and actually was on my side(personal family stuff). He was ready to go in my house and tell everyone off, and they were in bed!!Made me feel good though. I do care, I really do still, but i cant keep on trying. The more i try the more it hurts.And the maybes and maybe nots do get old, as well as the thinking and overanalyzing does too.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer