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At this point in my life I'd like to live as if only love mattered. --Tracy Chapman

I believe my past has really determined my present relationship problems

We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I believe my past has really determined my present relationship problems. As much as I may like a guy and start to have deep feelings for I find my body tensing and holding myself back. No matter how great things seem to get I can't trust him, its always well he hasn't called what is he doing, are their other girls? I get very insecure about myself and the relationship and it damages the relationship. A few years ago I had these dreams that were not making sense, in fact they seemed gross to me. I dreamed that my oldest brother while he was suppose to be babysitting me (I was a child in the dream, really am 23)was experimenting with me so to speak with his penis (we are 10 years a part. This dream haunted me for a while afraid to talk with anyone that I was this sinner I found the courage to talk with my Godmother and mother and go to find out it wasn't just a dream. When I was 6 he melested me for practically a year but I somehow blocked it out. Now I'm seeing this guy who I completely adore and I don't want to risk losing him because of my past. Should I tell him what happened to me, make him understand that this is the reason I'm still a virgin, why I become tense when we attempt to have sex, that I need reassurance that not another man I trust in my life let me down? I don't know what to do?

User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female

I am sorry to hear about your unsettling childhood event. I have encountered a similar type experience as a young child from a brother-figure over a period of time. Unfortunately sibling incest is not uncommon but certainly doesnot excuse disempowering a female sexuality. If you find it in your heart to forgive your brother for his actions of the past this could help you to move forward. You owe it to yourself to be able to enjoy your sexuality and your own body for yourself and for the special person who wants to share it with you. Please do not allow this past experience to rob you of freedom to enjoy life with another person because I think that would be the greatest injustice. (Incidentally I have forgiven the brother-figure(relative) today as adults have a very close relationship and I love him enormously).

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