Long Distance, Male Friends and Insecurities
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I've been in a relationship with a girl for 16 months and it's been a long distance relationship. I know she love me a lot and shows me by putting up with my jealous behavior. I am writing to learn more about jealousy and how to prevent hurting/losing my girlfriend.
We live about 800 miles apart, I get to see her only once a month *plane tickets are killing me*, we talk on the phone 24/7 and I feel that one day we will be married... I came from a relationship where my xgf made me feel very secure about my self, up till the point she cheated on me.. I use to be a very trusting person, but ever since I have large amounts of anger inside..
So when I met my current gf, I caught her talking to her xbf and that drove me nuts.. technically it's not cheating but it makes me feels insecure.. A few weeks ago I found out that my girl was talking to some "guy friend" of hers for hours.. and this guy called like 8+ times a day.. That drove me nuts!!! If it's just a friend then why do they need to be talking in the middle of the night for???? Even though I try hard to believe that she is not cheating on me, it just shows me no respect in the fact that she tried to hide talking to some random guy who doesn't have the decency to meet me first to just say hi. I would feel comfortable if I know this guy well.. but fact of the matter is .. I don't! So at this point I told my gf that she couldn't talk to this guy any more, she agreed that it had hurt me and that she wouldn't talk to this guy any more. I called the guy up and warned him not to talk my gf any more and the nerves of this guy to continue "text messaging" her..
I am insecure and my girlfriend is not the one to stroke my ego or confirm that she loves and never tells me that she is content with me. I asked her why she never felt the need to make me feel good about myself.. she stated that "I am proud of you and know how good you are to me, but I didn't think you need me to tell you this"
I guess I don't want to have to tell her to tell me that I'm all that.. it's just nice to hear it once in a while to confirm how special we are for each other..
I am loving and caring and considerate and I do not want anyone else and I have made that more than clear that I want to grow old with her, but when we argue I feel that I have lost control of the situation and I think it would be best for me to seek therapy. My gf is very stubborn and refuses to give it.. so we have me and her being to very bold stubborn people in a relationship.. will this work???
I want to end this awful and destructive behavior, before our relationship is destroyed.. Please tell what I can do to better my self, better our relationship, and if I have anything to worry about...
Insecure and depressed...
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Male
My girlfriend and I were having this same problem. I just moved to Mississippi and she still lives in Illinois. At first it was extremely hard for me to trust here but I HAD to learn to. I had this friend. Before I moved he NEVER attemted to call her but after I moved, I guess he felt the need to start calling and text messaging her everyday day and night. I asked him a number of times to stop because I thought that was very unnecessary. He slowed it down a little bit but still tried to sneak and talk to her(I knew this becuz my girl told me). I decided not to say anything until I went to visit. When I did he tried to avoid me because he thinks I can be a very violent person when ticked off. But anyways, it's good that you told her how you feel. She should respect that. If she really cares about you she would also tell him to calm down with the excessive communication.
Also,. don't forget, long distance relationships don't survive without an enormous amount of trust between the two partners. I live 877 miles away from the girl I love (my girlfriend) but out trust and love for each other becomes stronger and stronger each day because we KNOW we will last forever. In conclusion, just continue to let her kno how you feel.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer