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Love is a great master. It teaches us to be what we never were. --Molière



Troubled relationship



We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I appologize for posting this in other, but it covers too many topics to fit nicely anywhere else.
Okay, here is the long back story (made as short as possible) minus any of the minute details of which i remember them all. Back in April 2003 A girl and I started working at the same place, we quickly became good friends and developed huge crushes on each other. In November of 2003 it was more than either of us could stand and despite the fact that she had a boyfriend of 5 years or so we started seeing each other in a romantic sense. Her boyfriend and her weren't broken up, but they weren't together, we made sure that he was completely aware of what was going on, because neither of us are the type to cheat or be secretive. In March of 2004 the circumstances of her pseudo breakup and our relationship were too much for either of us, and though we loved each other very much she broke it off to try and work things out with her boyfriend. I was completely okay with this, though it hurt losing her I thought what she was doing was admirable, If I were him, I'd want the same consideration and the same chance to reconcile a 5 year relationship one last time before flushing it all away. She and I remained close friends, not without our share of awkwardness and rough patches along the way. Of course I still wanted to be with her, but not under the same circumstances as before. So I re adapted to my friend role. We both left the company we were working, but still spent time together regularly and talked daily. In one of our rough patches where she was frustrated with things between us and we weren't really talking she broke up with her boyfriend permanently roughly around June of 2004. We patched up the friendship and I was thinking "okay now this is a chance to try again but under the right circumstances" Instead she began dating a guy we'll call #3. #3 and her lasted a few months, but it was a horrible relationship and she had to get out. Throughout I maintained the friend role to the best of my abilities. Again I thought, that perhaps now was a chance for us to work it out, instead she begins dating another gentleman in August. This relationship has its share of problems too. Just this month in March of 2005 he broke up with her (two weeks after she had talked to me about breaking up with him). She is devastated and is moving out of state for a month with some old friends of hers to get some clarity. I've maintained the friend role again throughout this relationship of hers, and our friendship has been severely strained in large part due to that relationship. I think a month away is the best thing in the world for her. However, despite the breakup, they already have plans to try again in august to *maybe* get back together and move to LA together. I consider this what I call Post Traumatic Breakup Syndrome. Their relationship wasn't good, and all the things she has told me (I love him, I don't want anyone else, I've never felt the way I feel about him, he is my soul mate, etc.) are all things I've heard before from her immediately following every breakup. When she comes back form out of state we're going to try and get a new lease on our friendship as well. So now that the back story is out of the way, let me try to figure out my questions.

1)Am I right to assume that her PTBS talk is just that, and some clarity and time away will help her realize that it wasn't all roses?

2)Am I right to think that being apart from him almost as long as she was with him, and then getting back together and moving to LA is a bad idea?

3)How can I talk to her about the LA thing without her throwing up her defensive walls and blocking out the importance of what I'm saying and my concerns?

4)Is there any hope for her and I as more than friends? (I know she still cares about me romantically, but refuses to acknowledge any such feelings because she has been in relationships the whole time and it wouldn't be healthy).

5) If there is hope how can I pursue that course without coming off as the jealous ex/friend who can't let go?

6) How do I prevent or deal with feelings like "being a back up, not her first choice, not her true love, etc)?

7) any other advice is more than welcome.

In closing, she truly is my best friend, even in the roughest patches of our friendship we still care, and if something happened we'd be right there for one another. I love her unconditionally and would very much like us to be "in love" with each other again, and to have the chance we never got due to the circumstances involved.
Thanks
--Dazed & Confused




User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male

George,
This was my question, thank you very much for the advice. It's one of those things where I know the answers but 2 things happen, 1)hope gets worn away in the strain of it all and 2) Sometimes i'm just too close to a situation or want something so much that i want to check with a completely neutral source to make sure I'm not shading it the way i want to see it or clouding my jugdement by being so involved. As for #5 I'm not angry or jealous, I just want to make sure she doesn't percieve me that way. and as for #7, it's a possibility i've considered often, one I'm prepared for, but all i can do is take it one day at a time. Thanks again George, you do a great service here, I usually go to my friends for this sort of thing but after 2 years of the ongoing saga i'm not sure they could endure hearing about it much more. I'm going to follow your advice and i'll let you know how it all turns out. --The now hopefull dazed and confused

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