Dating a Widower

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Original Visitor's Question from a 51-60 year old Female
My sister is dating a widower. He has been widowed for over a year now. They were close friends before his wife died, and just recently started dating. She understands that he will always love his wife and will have things that will remind him of her. The problem is- the other day- he pulledout a compact in front of my sister and smelled it deeply, and then sighed. She asked him what it was and if she could see it- but all he would tell her is "Don't touch it". It ended up being a compact with his deceased wife's perfume. When do you know enough is enough- and how can I help her deal with the situation? She is at the point where she feels she will always be 2nd to him and he will never be able to love her as he did his wife. Please help her out!

User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Female
Be Patient

I would like to comment on your sisters friend the widower. I am a widow of 20 months, dating a widower of 21 months. We are both still in love with our deceased spouses, and always will be. We spent many happy years together, and just because they are gone, does not mean they are forgotten. I still spray my husbands cologne around our bedroom when I want to evoke memories. My widower friend keeps a lovely large photo of his wife in his living room to honor her memory. It is probably very hard to date a widow or widower, because if they had a wonderful relationship with their spouse, some parts of that relationship will continue. One year is not enough time to finish grieving for a spouse. There are studies that say, the longer and more satisfying the relationship the longer the grief period will last. It is not unusual for grief to continue for several years.
So you might wonder, since my widower friend and I are both grieving why are we dating??? Well the answer is, we do desire company and oftentimes find ourselves lonely. We have developed a unique bond because we are both going thru a similiar grieving process.
Patience is the word for your sister, if she believes she has nice feelings for this widower. Give the poor bloke some time. If she can't deal with that, she should continue on with out his company.

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