My girlfriend's drifting away
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
Over the past few months, my girlfriend has become increasingly distant, moody, and less affectionate. This is in stark contrast to how our relationship used to be, for example, we used to have a very active and varied sex-life; now, and this is the truth, we haven't had sex in more than a month! Also, she never seems to want to make time for us, allow me to explain; My girlfriend has a child from a previous relationship, this poses no problems and I regard her as my own and she looks upon me as an extra dad. Unfortunately having a child depletes the amount of time available, to my girlfriend and I, in which to have some 'quality time' as the child only spends one night a week at her fathers (Friday night to Saturday evening). This precious period of time, in an otherwise hectic week, we used to reserve for ourselves and spend either by going out, having a cosy night in with a meal and a bottle of wine or, if the mood took us, indulging in more adventurous sex play (as opposed to the quick, quiet one with the lights out incase we wake the little girl).
Now, my girlfriend far prefers to go out with her friends on Friday nights, as she has done for the past six weeks, with the exeption of last week, when I insisted that we spend the night together, which consisted of a video, two bottles of wine and her falling asleep on the sofa, oh yeah, and no sex, no affection, and barely any physical contact whasoever. It's not that I mind her going out with her friends, I don't, there would certainly be a row if she ever told me that I couldn't go out with mine. I just feel as though there's nothing there anymore, that, to coin a phrase, I'm 'flogging a dead horse'.
My girlfriend is currently studying in college and I am currently unemployed and going through the police force recruitment process (Apptitude tests, medical tests, fitness tests, interviews and yet more interviews) following my degree at Liverpool University. I can appreciate how the combined stress of study and raising a child can make her feel tired and washed out, but I travelled 70 miles to Liverpool and back every day for three years, leaving at 7.30am and not getting back until gone 7.00pm without feeling that tired. She has a ten minute bus ride to college and is home by 4.00pm, at the latest. Also she doesn't seem to feel tired when she's going out with her friends on Friday night. As for any other information I can give you, we have been together for about a year and a half, we live seperately (she has an apartment in Llandudno in North Wales and I live in the nearby village of Deganwy), we have been engaged for about a year and, as I've said, untill recently we have been very happy. I hope you can help me, I'm at my wits-end.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
I'm having the same problem with my girlfriend (But she doesn't have a kid!!!), we haven't done anything in aaages!!! I made a stupid mistake one night and left her parents house when I was meant to stay over because for the whole day and if I'm honest, a week or two before, because I felt out of place and that she didn't really want me around her??!! Needless to say she then told me that SHE was suspicious and the thought had crossed her mind that I had someone else to go back to!!? WE were great in the start, sex, affection, making time for each other, everything!! When we met the first time after I left her that night she said something to the effect that it would take a while for things to be ok because she felt I put a major wedge between us?? I was taken aback by this and ever since have felt like I've had to make it up to her. I tell her I love her (and I do with all my heart) but she doesn't reciprocate those feelings anymore so I'm always wondering what is going on with us. I feel like the tables have been turned because she was affectionate at the start and now that I'm doing the running around after her and trying to show her affection, maybe its putting her off me :/ :(
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer