I just don't know anymore....
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
So here is the thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. In the beginning, it was rough. We had to go through a lot to be together. And after a few months of dating, he cheated on me. I never knew about this until the day my boyfriend left for Basic Training. He decided to text it to me right before he got on the plane. I didn't know what to do, nor what to think. But one thing i knew for certain is that he was leaving for four months and I didn't want him going with us being on a bad level. So i let it go. Which now, I regret it.
I stayed faithful to him the whole time he was in basic, having only the communitcation of letters. When he got home, he wanted to go and hang out with a friend. Of course I didn't care. I've never been the type to try and keep him caged in, or controlling. So about a week after his "weekend with the friend" he decided to tell me they kissed, and held hands. I don't care if you sleep with a girl or not...I think that is cheating.
After a couple weeks, i got over it and we moved on. But he continued to talk to the girl off and on. Throughout the next four months, 3 other occasions happened like this, only with other girls. I just kept letting it go and kept letting it go.
My boyfriend told me he had to deploy to Afghanistan probably a month before the actual time he had to go. I was devestated. The whole month he was home, we spent every day together. And the past and problems just sort of slipped away. It's like we had actually moved to that next level in our relationship. We made a plan for when he came home, we talked to his parents about it. Everything was set. And up until a week ago, everything was great. Better than it had been in a very long time.
A couple days before he left, he made me a promise. He said, "I promise that I won't talk to any girls that I've ever been with or done anything with because I hate the thought of you worrying about that while i'm gone."
After being hurt and cheated on so many times, this made me feel on top of the world....
Last week, i look on his facebook and seen that a girl that he was with over in Afghanistan had posted pictures of them together. It made me upset, and I let him know about it. He blew it up and made me feel like the one at fault. Our entire relationship has been this way. No matter what he does wrong, he always turns it around to make me feel bad or make me look like the one a fault. Anyway. We got in a big argument over the pictures and he signed off. I then sent him a message just saying to call me when he had a chance so we could figure it all out.
I signed on to his facebook to see if he had read my message yet and seen that he was talking to one of his ex girlfriends. I read the message between the two and this is how it went.
Him-I love your profile picture!! .)
Him-You are looking good!
The conversation took my heart out and ripped it in half. I didn't know what to do. After standing beside him and then he break the promise that meant the most to me just tore me up. I'm still not over it.
We ended up talking for over 4 hours about it.. And i told him, "i just can't be hurt anymore. I'm not going to wait on someone for a year that isn't going to be faithuful to me." We fought and Arugued and he finally said, "baby, I love you and the mistakes i make are stupid. But i don't want you to let me off the hook this time. I want to prove to you that I love you and that i'm worth staying with." I said okay, and that was that. I was hurt, but with him being over there, i know the stress gets to him. So i kept telling myself, one more chance, one more chance.
Today... I got on his facebook to see what he had been up to, (he gets on mine reguraly too) and i see that the girl he cheated on me with when he got out of basic had wrote him a nice little message. I thought to myself. "I'll let it go...He loves me and won't even think about talking to her." I got off hoping that it was nothing and thinking that he was going to prove to me that he was really changing. I got on later in the day to see if she had said anything again, or just to see what was going on in general...
He deleted the message out of his inbox. I thought that maybe he did that just so i wouldn't have to worry...
I got on later and seen that she had replyed to his reply..
I am now very hurt and don't know what to do. I told myself i could not take anything else from this man. He has hurt me and hurt me. But as much as I want to break it off and show him how bad he hurt me, I just cant...
What should I do?? Please help, my mind and heart are truly in a thousand places right now.
User Submitted Advice from a 51-60 year old Female
No, sorry, wrong advice. People are who they are. Some have character to not cheat and some do.Plain and simple.
I think she will have that problem with him for the rest of her life until he just gets to old to not act on his lusts.
If a guy is "STRESSED" he should be looking to his wife, girlfriend or family to keep him afloat, not other women. I am sorry but we keep making excuses for the reason they act like they do.
I think she is just afraid to be without him because that is the situation that she knows and seems to survive.
I have been there, done that and it was much better taking a step to get out of it.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer