He wants space...
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My bf and I have been together for 7 months now, although the relationship is long distance we're very close. Lately things got a little more serious. In December he came and we spent 3 weeks together and it gave me a chance to meet his family and him to meet mine. He was calling and being more available for me by telephone and text messages. We got a lot closer as we dealt with personnal issues.
Lately, Ive been dealing with a lot of issues only him and I were aware of. He was supposed to come that weekend to visit but couldnt. I ended up confiding in a best friend about the situation. She attacked the fact that he wasnt there for me in person and he should of came to see me from New York to Montreal. I defended that he was dealing with a lot of issues on his own, work and moving and a lawsuit and it wasnt an optimal time for him but that he was very there by telephone. I ended up breaking down that friday night and started crying to her about my own issues. As a result, she sent him an email the next day telling him how she understood his issues and that he was also ''financially strapped in the moment'' but that I needed him and this was a time for him to shower me with love. She thought she was doing a favor by suggesting him to send me flowers as well but it ended up enraging him and getting him so mad that he refuses to talk to me. He insists that if I had respect for him I would never complain to my friend nor tell his personnal life to my friend, that he didnt need anyone to come and tell him how to run his life or to treat his gf. I never complainned but rather tried to explain why he couldnt be there in person to defend him to my friend and to rest her suspicions. I tried for 5 days to call him, I apologised and told him how he's the best to me and that I adore him and I never meant this to happen but it seems the more I try the more mad he gets. He ended up calling me on tuesday only to scream his anger, and thursday, he finally picked up saying he didnt want to answer nor discuss anything, which of course we did but more calmly. He ended up writting me that he's in pain too, that I shouldnt make him feel guilty because I did him wrong. In 7 months, this is the 2nd time he ever gets mad at me. The first time he got mad and also backoffed for a long while until we finally fixed it. But that was 2-3 months up in the relationship, its 7 months now, I feel vulnerable and I really need him. I cant understand his need for space. He ended up writting me yesterday that I should of known better and not discuss anything and that even if I was sorry its who I am and he cant just get over it. That if he was taking me lightly he wouldnt care but because he thinks of me seriously, it bothers him. That even if I did 100 good things those 2 bad things were too backstabbing for him. He also said that if I wasnt willing to give him his time and space whether its a week or a month then maybe its best we go our seperate ways. It wasnt a decision he could make overnight. He also said, its not like Im gonna go and be with someone else, I just wanna be alone with my thoughts. I wrote him I couldnt wait a month and if he has to think of whether or not he wants to be with me, then he doesnt want to be with me enough.
Thing is I also wrote him, I apologise plz forgive me, it was never my intention, I never wanted you to look bad, I told my friend to never interfere again, and Ive been writting him how much I adore him and how much he means to me. I keep telling him that I love what we have and that I need him and to not turn his back on me...in the end I just wrote, I know I havent been giving you your time nor space, so Ill just let you have what you want, good night. I didnt hear from him again since yesterday evening.
Is he stalling for a break-up? What am I supposed to do? Is it a good idea to go see him next weekend? I really love him I dont wanna loose him. I want to make it better because I love being with him but in the same time Im hurt that he knows I need him and he's willing to just not bother with me. I know he's stressed with lots of things but I feel horrible when he gets mad and just drops me and I feel even more horrible because he really is amazing to me.
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Female
Wait for the real deal
You can say anything to anyone with out his permission. You did nothing wrong but put your heart and soul in this relationship. He is not the one for you.. You deserve to be able to be yourself, you also deserve someone who wants you and let's you be you. If this is the courtship imagine what your life would be like if you married the guy. Don't play victim, Don't wait around,don't compromise yourself. Wait for the real deal. That is unconditional love!
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