I'm Trying Not to Be Jealous
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I want to not be jealous anymore. My boyfriend never gives me any reason to be jealous or to fear that he will cheat on me. He tells me that I'm all that he looks for and wants, and he tells me I'm beautiful but I still am jealous of other girls. They can be strangers, girls that aren't even his friends, but friends of his friends that are hanging out around him, or my own friends, I will become very jealous. This is breaking up our relationship...my jealousy and complaining over everything I see that bothers me is the reason why we're on a break right now.
I know I shouldn't be jealous--I can't back up my jealousy with anything that he has done. Part of me feels that my jealousy is due to my past boyfriend. I was with him for a year and a half and in the beginning, I never once thought that he'd cheat on me. I never had a problem with him going out, I'd never worry. He had told me how much I meant to him and I believed it. But 3 months into our relationship, he cheated on me, and things went downhill..I broke up with him and I had found out from him that he had recently cheated on me again.
Fears of the past becoming the present cloud my mind. I trust my boyfriend, but I still get jealous. I got jealous over him letting a girlfriend of mine borrow something that he didn't let me borrow. I don't know what to do.
How Do I stop being so jealous when there really isn't any reason for me to be jealous???
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Time to chill out
I don't know if I have advice but I have thoughts. I have read several entries on this site and have sympathy with all the other jealous ladies. I almost feel that we are a specific breed. I have many frineds who don't suffer from jealousy at all, and I don't understand the difference between us. I read a posting that said if you are jealous it is due to something that happened in the early developemental years of your childhood when the bond between you and your caretaker (mother, father, grandmother ect.) was not fully established. This lack of a complete bond leads to self esteem and trust issues later in life, especially in a relationship. I suppose this theory makes sense if your early years were tumultuous. I however, to my knowledge had a fairly healthy, normal upbringing, in a household where I knew I was loved. Both my mother and father had rough upbringings, where there was little trust. Did there insecurities somehow end up in me?
I do believe that jealousy arises from lack of self confidence. However, I didn't realize I was lacking in self confidence. In fact, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm kind of a bad @ss. I'm no hollywood babe, but I'm attractive and thin, I'm on my way to obtaining a doctorate's degree, I make friends easily, I have a wonderful brother and sister, I'm finacially sound, and I participate in activities that I enjoy regularly....YET I CAN BE A JEALOUS B--CH!!!
I think our breed, jealous lovers that is, have some obsticales. If you are like me you're a bit of an overacheiver, maybe a bit type A, and a little competitive. It's a hard world for us these days, with the media constantly bombarding the how to's to us. "How to lose weight, how to look like a movie star, how to pole dance, how to become richer." Oh and forget the days of pin-up girls and good old porno magazines. With the internet and video cams, you can access any kind of porn, and even have cyber sex. Then there's e-mail, cell phones and texts. Aren't all these things just begging us to be jealous! Ahhhhh!!! How do I compete with all of this?
This is the catch, I can't compete with all this. It's time to chill out. It's time to stop being jealous. It's time to change in to a non-jealous goddess. I have no choice, because if I keep it up I will ruin my relationship and myself. I have to let it go. I can't control everything. Here is my own personal how to:
1. From this day on stop prying, no more confiscating my boyfriend's cell phone to make sure the pretty rock star girl that he's friends with hasn't sent him a sex text, or a naked photo. (In fact seeing that it is the day after lent, this will be what I give up and I'll just continue after Easter)
2. Trust. My boyfriend is amazing. He's everything and more. I need to take that leap of faith and trust him.
3. When I get a jealous feeling I need to rationalize with myself before my imagination runs away with me (do something else than dwell, anything). I think I need a jealous journal.
4. Communicate. If something is really bothering me I need to talk to my boyfriend about it, and not let it simmer inside of me.
5. Love myself. Realize that I'm an awesome girlfriend (besides confiscating his phone, which I'll never do again) and that we have an awesome relationship. Honestly, when I think about the girls I'm jealous of, it's kind of hilarious- I really have nothing to worry about. And if, for some insane reason, shit hit the fan and my boyfriend left for another, whatev, it wasn't meant to be and there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Good luck fellow jealous ladies! And don't forget, you're not alone. :-)
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer