Am I making something of nothing?
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Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
Help! Am I overreacting?
I have been seeing this man EVERY wknd. & then some since last July. He has recently agreed to not flirt with other girls at my request which hurt too as he should want to of his own accord. He is faithful to me physically just not socially it seems. Also, some of my distrust is that we are in a relationship but according to him not a serious relationship which he tells me he does not want. But if he did it would be with me. So, we started out "casual" but after seeing eachother so long I of course feel for him more and make more of us etc. He I know does not love me yet and that I care more for him and that is part of the problem too. But he also admittedly takes a long time entering into relationships and likes living alone and having his freedoms. So, that all contributes to my insecurity as well that he resists defining the relationship, claims to just be uncomfortable with my touching him in public (I fear differently) and is not very demonstrative to me other then all the time he spends with me and that he has hung in there this long.
So, due to my mistrust, suspicions and the ugly green monster I couldn't resist (I'm ashamed) looking at his cell calls. He calls other women quite often & some he talks to for at least an hour at a time. He insists that all these friends are just friends and that he does not flirt like I think he does or do anything inappropriate etc. (he does not know I look at his calls).
So, I am turning into an obsessed, jealous, unhappy person and it is stressing our relationship. I have kept the jealousy stuff under wraps as I knew it was a red flag to him but finally burst forth with it recently. For a long time now his calling & meeting these other women "friends" for coffee/lunch does not seem right if a man is involved with someone. Or am I too blind with my own view of things to see this clearly?
He is very outgoing, social & people warm up to him fast (esp. girls) and so these calls could be innocent but I just have this sense they are not. I need to stop checking his calls I know, but feel they are my only clue to what is really going on even if it is just half the story. :(
A little more about him, he is 40 yrs. old & returned to college so some of these girls are younger and many are from classes he has. I am a young looking, very pretty, in shape 35 yr old.
I realize I have insecurity issues and either need to trust him until he shows me I can't or leave. There are some other problems with us too and I often feel I deserve and could do better (self worth issues now). But either way it just seems wrong how he conducts himself with others or at least how I imagine him to. That is what drives me crazy, I only have these calls & how I know he can be and so I assume the worst and spin these torturous tales in my head. But I can't be that crazy, wouldn't anyone feel jealous etc. if their guy/girl was doing this sort of thing?
It just makes me cry so hard when I see he has called one of them AGAIN. Just feel confused and hurt and that I'm being played. So, am I making something out of nothing here? Or is my gut really right and I just don't trust myself either? Really need some help as this all is really affecting my life negatively and outside just me and him.
Thank you for reading & hopefully responding.
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Male
Plenty of fish in the sea
It seems he is happy with the "non serious" status but you are not. You both need to agree on the terms of the relationship so you both can be comfortable. This needs to be worked out now and cannot be overlooked.
Maybe he has no intentions of being serious with you, it has been long enough for him to commit. IF he is having sex with you, and i'm assuming he is, guess what, that IS serious and the relationship should be appropriate for that level.
He agreed to NOT Flirt, right. But let me assure you that if he is on the phone that long with other girls he is in fact flirting. He probably thinks hes so hot that you will put up with anything.
You two need to have a "serious" talk so you BOTH can be happy and not just him.
If he sees that you are at the end of your rope then maybe he will make a decision to get serious. Seems like seeing each other since July is long enough time for him to get serious and be in love. Don't let him continue to use you. Ask him to commit to you or tell him you need to question whether to continue. Remember, there is Plenty of fish in the sea.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer