Remembering I've come after the ex
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm jealous of my boyfriends ex. I know I am being ridiculous when I get jealous - because I've met her and she is a total cow.
I know their relationship was terrible, I know she cheated on him twice (Of what he knows), I know all the vindictive things she did, and yet I still get worked up about it.
This girl is everything I hate in a person, and to be honest, I'd hate her even if she wasn't my boyfriends ex.
The thing is, I think my jealousy derives from the fact this is my first relationship that's even lasted longer than a month. This is the first time I've actually fallen in love with someone, and the first time everything just seems to feel so right. I'm so comfortable with him.
But everything I experience with him IS the first time for me - and I know it isn't for him.
For example, sex is a touchy issue for me. I lost my virginity to him, but he lost it to her. I realise the circumstances - He tells me all sorts. he regrets losing it to her because she'd just pressured him, he wished he hadn't been so stupid so he could have saved it for when it felt right, and she was rubbish in bed, and it's so much more special with me - and it still gets me jealous! It's just, I never forget the time he said "I can't see sex being anything but special" which to me implied, sex WAS special with her. And I hate that.
Even when he shows me videos of him doing some races (because he's a runner), I'm thinking "He was with her when he did that." And it makes me feel like crap. My mind will go crazy "Was he thinking about her when he was reaching the finish line? Was she in the audience cheering him on?" All sorts.
I have talked to him about it, I always do when it's on my mind because there's no other way to calm me down, but it's getting old and I want it all to stop, because I know it makes him feel bad everytime I bring it up and that's the last thing I want to do.
He says "I hate that she manages to ruin things for me even when she isn't in my life anymore" which just makes me feel so so bad for being this way and I hate myself for it, because I don't want to hurt him.
I just feel like a sequal. I'm 2nd. He's seen everything before. Even though he's continuously reassured me that everything is much more special with me and he loves me more than he ever loved her, it just won't stop.
It's been getting me really worried, and I just want to sort it out without having to go to therapy!
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Female
You're not alone
Ok I just had to comment because this girl sounds almost EXACTLY like me!
I call myself a sequal to her because she was his first and was there before me! I was not a virgin either though when we met, so I feel like a hypocrite. :D But I just keep thinking she must be somehow better than me and I can never be as important...because she was there first!
I go mad inside when I hear about stuff in his life that was during the time he was with her, even when it had nothing to do with her!
My boyfriend says the same thing as her boyfriend, about how he hates that she can ruin and mess with his life even though she's no longer a part of it.
And she was a fat bitchy cow, ugly in and out. :D
Basically my point is you're not alone! I have no idea how old this is, couldn't see a date, but there's more of us out there who feel just the same. These are words echoed by many many women all accross the world!
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer