My Husband cheats because I don't trust him!
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We've been married for 2 1/2. Thinking about it now, I can honestly say Trust has always been a huge issue for us. Before we got together I already had my own problems, with just having my heart handed to me by my first love. Anyway, when we first got together he was already dating a couple other girls, which I didn't care about because I wasn't looking for anything serious. A couple months later, I got pregnant and we never looked back...Now lets just to the present! I won't go into the few times he has been busted cheating before we got married as we both agreed to look forward. My husband and I are both very different people but we've always managed to make it work. Well last year around Thanksgiving we just couldn't get along. I mean we where fighting non stop. He would hang out half the night, I would call and accuse him of being with someone else. We went on like that for weeks. Finally one night I came home (I work second shift so I don't get home til 1030pm, while he gets off work at 5pm) and he was actually already in bed sleep. I picked up his phone in a honest attempt to turn it off, but I notice he had a voicemail message so I called it. It was from this girl calling to say she missed him and was just calling to say I love you and good night. I can still feel the pain in my heart from that night. Anyway, I found the girls number and I called her back. She said they had only be seeing each other for a few weeks, but they've been hanging out and have been intimate at least once (for some reason she couldn't remember exactly how many times). So, I woke him up! At first he tried to lie about it, but he finally came clean. I can honestly say that was the worst night of my life. As I love this man more than anything in the word. The next day I called a marriage counselor. We got put on the waiting list, but I was able to get some counseling over the phone because they could tell I was so distraught. We talked for a long time over the next few days. It took a while to get the girl to stop calling though. I noticed they had talked a few times a few months ago, but he swears it was more her contacting him then anything. His first love found him on one of those high school reunion websites and they have been emailing each other fairly often. I've expressed how much I don't like it, but he says that they where good friends once and that is all they are now. They use to email and talk on the phone several times a week, but he has realized that it causes a lot of trouble in our relationship so he has stopped talking to her so much (now they talk maybe once a month). His birthday was last Thursday...Saturday morning, I wake up and there is a B-Day card on his windshield from some girl. In the card she expresses that she knows she shouldn't have feelings for him but she does and that he is sexy (actually she called him Mr Sexy). I asked him about the card and the girl and he said that it was some girl that he made small talk with a girl that works at the gas station (he was buying beer and she noticed it was his birthday). He said, that he told her he was married, and she kept asking where she knows him from. He said he said he lives on Vine street and she probably seen him there, which would account for how she found his car. Anyway, I found out today that he has hung out with her and they have talked on the phone once or twice but nothing physical has happened. His biggest thing with me is that I don't trust him, because I always assume he is talking to girls or going to see girls. And I must admit I am constantly checking for something. We have been thru SO much together and our son would be heartbroken if we didn't try to make this work, but all I see is him cheating on me. I also think my self esteem is shot, as I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with our child and I never lost it. In fact I know I have gained more sense then. He has never put me down about it, in fact he is always saying how sexy I look and is very affectionate when we are getting along. I want to make my marriage work, but I don't know if I can trust him, if he can leave without being trusted and if he can be faithful. Please help!
PS: We did get counseling for a few months but it was kind of expensive so we stopped.
User Submitted Advice from a 51-60 year old Female
Not living a happy life
My husband was the same way. I thought I could "tough it out in silence". I even blamed myself. I tried to soothe myself and told myself I must stay in the marriage for my son. I didn't have options. We also "had" to get married. It has been 35 years. Imagine not trusting a man you are partnered with for 35 years! I thought I could pray and it would be OK. I thought with some ego-boosting for him that I gave, it would be OK. I supported him so he would love me. I worked 50 hours a week so he could start his own business. I moved to his small home town so he could be OK when he was depressed. (All my friends and opporotunities were in the city)....Oh yes one of the reasons I thought we should move was because he had women in the city.
How did it turn out for me?
I am stuck in this small town alone. He works in sales and service and spends his days mostly in cities. His ego is big. My ego was not considered for all those years. I am isolated and alone. I still don't trust him.
My biggest regret is that I let my children see me as this weak, struggling unhappy woman. I once was personable, funny, outgoing and strong (that is why I thought I could do this). Now I think I am weak and he looks strong to others because he is getting his needs met somehow and is very outgoing and funny. He is not so funny to me any more and is a little pathetic. He ignores me and manipulates me. He deverts any comments I have about our relationship. I pay the bills, make all arrangements by myself. He is "along" but not really active in our marriage. Neither am I anymore.
One of my sons is like me with his wife. He thinks giving is love in his partnership (thinking that compromise is love). I fear he will be hurt like me someday. My other son lives with and ignores the mother of my granddaughter. My heart hurts for her. I wish I could have found a way to support myself when I was young and keep my dignity, integrity, healthy pride, confidence, and spirit. I wish I could have shown my sons how to be strong and walk through my fears and trust myself and trust life.
I kept saying "next year", "later", "some day" I will live a life of peace and dignity without him. I am 60 years old now. I could leave. Guess what? When you are 60 you don't have the energy, the friends and family or the confidence in yourself like you do when you are younger.
And I feel like a fool.
God wants us to live a happy life.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer