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Fight is escalating and not sure what to do, HELP!!!



We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
Me and my girlfriend have been together for about two and a half years now. For the most part, our relationship has been great. We never used to fight until this past year. It started with a guy freind of her texting inapropriate messages, I honestly wasn't snooping, but she was sleeping and her phone kept buzzing away so I decided to see what was up. I couldn't believe what I saw and immeadietly woke her up and we had a small fight. The fight was basicly resolved by the next day and everything seemed to be going smooth again.

About nine months later a fight happened again, and it just so happened that I decided to read her text messages again. It had turned out that a guy work freind of hers had started to fall for her, and even though she wouldn't have done anything she said she kind of liked him, mainly for the fact that she started to think that I wasn't going anywhere in life and this guy had it all figured out. The fight was horrible, and we both had said things that we both did not mean (I even "took" her phone away, which I know was not the way to handle things), she had almost decided to break up with me at that point because she felt like I had changed and was way to jealous and controlling. She obviously did not want things to end and neither did I so we talked things through and it took a little while to get things back to the way they once were.

The current fight is where we stand, I had been doing great with not being all jealous and controlling, but in the recent weeks she had "gained" a new guy friend that she constantly texts. Even inviting him to her birthday party, and all the while I tried my best to let the jealous feeling slid away. The incident happend because of a jacket (yeah a stupid thing to get mad over) she had borrowed and claimed it was one of her girlfriends from work. A few days ago (this is maybe now a little over a week since "the borrowing") I asked her if she was ever giving the jacket back (calmly of course) and then asked whos it was again (i had honestly forgot whos) and this time he had given me a different answer, the true answer. It was this new guy freinds of hers, and I don't know what happened but I got mad about it. She has gotten mad about the whole jealousy thing all over again, and this time I tried to handle myself better ( telling her that I don't want to not have guy friends) and all that I wanted from her is to just be honest with me instead of keeping things like that from me. I've realised how my jealousy is ruining the good thing that we have, and I want help for it (I've been reading a lot of advice and a few books to help keep jealousy under control). I keep apologising for blowing up and getting jealous but she keeps thinking this will go on forever. She doesn't want things to end but keeps telling me she cant do this anymore, and I'm trying so hard to make things right again between us but I don't seem to be making any progress. I don't know what to do anymore or how to do it, and she tries to avoid talking things through and keeps dwelling on the fact that she thinks it will never end. What can I do at this point?




User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
Taken for granted


I feel that you are handling this very well. Better than I would. My ex had a girl friend, and within a month of them starting to talk. He left me for her. I was stupid and it appears to me that she knows that you will put up with anything she does so abuses the situation with you. I would never treat my significant other that way. When I have a boyfriend, I dont borrow coats from other men, I dont have relationships with other men. It is not normal. My girlfriends and I say that you are being taken for granted.

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