I want to move on... but its too hard.
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I 've met and liked this girl(A) in 2006. She was single at the time. When I told her she said she needed to think about it. We both were born overseas and each year summer holidays we return to visit our relatives and friends. In that year's summer (summer in southern hemisphere is in december) she went back and gotten herself a boyfriend. Its sort of a long distance relationship.
She wasn't single anymore, so I figured I shouldn't stick around. I met other girls and gotten my own relationships. However they're always so short because my heart just wasn't in it... I still liked her, and every time we happen to see each other again I just cut whatever relationships I had. They weren't 'fun' anymore.
Last year she and her boyfriend had troubles and broke up. Stupid me at the time, I stopped dating this girl(C) who seem to like me, and I began to text and call and see A regularly. I told C I still liked A and have liked her alot for a long time. C seemed to understand but I think she was hurt. Her blog said so. Turned out A still liked her ex, and her ex still liked her. They would break up and un-break up and I'd call A and hear her cry and complain about her ex. It was throwing a dart at my heart every time she is crying because of her boyfriend, but I ignored these hurt feelings and they seem to slowly build up. I wanted her to be cheerful more than anything else so it seemed okay I get hurt in the process. She knows I like her all this time, but I guess she didn't know how much I really liked her.
This went on for most of the year... Until at the end I told her to just go back to her ex... I need to move on from this. It was summer again and we went overseas. I was away two months. I met other people overseas and I saw C there when she re-contacted me. I think she still likes me... She's asked me to help her with her studies even though we live an hour apart. I haven't been so happy so long these couple of years. I have managed to not communicate with A for so long! Near the end of the holidays, however, I talked to A again on IM. She told me she had something exciting to tell me as soon as I got back.
I kept telling myself it was supposed to be her good news, probably something like she and her boyfriend were to be engaged or something... I didn't want to care. It was just two lines on a msn conversation. Yet my mind was on it for hours everyday, some small part of it hoping it was like "I finally broke up with my boyfriend and have moved on completely!".
So I returned. I didn't call her for several days, but it had been really hard not calling her. So I called her. And guess what she tells me the 'exciting thing' was... She actually broke up with her boyfriend and moving on! Only there was a catch. She'd gotten this rebound guy and goes out with him for now. I told her I missed her and she said she would "think about it" but said doesn't believe I am really really into her. I didn't what "it" was, so I am assuming I know what it means.
I am in a similar situation to last year now. C and I were sort of seeing each other again but my feelings are floating somewhere else. I've been calling A several times a week to chat. She doesn't mention her new guy much. Valentines day is coming so I asked what she was doing. She said she was going to have dinner and go to the guy's house. I asked what she was going to do with him and she said she needs him as a substitute so she doesn't think of her ex anymore which I understand.
I am feeling the same frustration and hurt I felt before I left for holidays. I want to tell her to cut me off from her life, because I couldn't bear to do it myself... I'd give in and call her, or talk to her online. Yet I still hope A's rebound relationship wouldn't last long and we'd be together after that, some how, as was implied when she told me about it. I can easily find another girl who is going love me and can make me happy, why am I still attached to her so much, why do I always run back to her when ever she is sad? Why do I have to keep thinking about her? Why do my feelings for other girls evaporate as soon as we see each other...? I wish it were not so. I don't want to be the second guy again... what do I do. I am still seeing C but I am feeling less and less positive about it... I don't really want to see her anymore. But this girl C actually has some feelings for me and if I leave her again she'd be hurt a second time. I am pretending I still have interest in her, hoping I wouldn't repeat last year. But I know it can't last for long. She'd find out and get hurt again anyway. I am so miserable now.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
Ive been in your situation before.
I did it for 5 years. I wont give you the long story, but its virtually the same, including how it interferes with my other relationships when i see the other girl.
I always wonder, is that the love of my life? And i always hope that somehow we will hook up. But guess what? After 5 years of being there for her, and fighting, and doing what a boyfriend should do for a girl, she just keeps hooking up with losers for rebounds. Everytime we were both single i would rush off to go get her and it didnt matter, she was always looking at a quick rebound guy to feel better.
Here is the only thing i can tell you, straight from me a guy whos been in your shoes, and actually had it go worse.
NO SINGLE girl on this planet is the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. There is no "one", if that was the case, millions wouldnt ever find true love or happiness, because we might not even ever MEET that "one" person. This is going to be hard for you to understand. It will be. Because youve been through alot with her and really care for her, and are dying to just have one chance. But at the end of the day, she is just going to keep walking away from you to other guys until you just cant take it anymore.
I cut the girl out of my life for 3 months. Got happy again and waited patiently to see who i would meet next.
Met a great girl and we've been dating for a year and a half and its so much more than i couldve ever expected.
You know what happened to "the one" that i used to love? She fucked up her life big time, which is heartbreaking, but im not going to feel sorry for her anymore, because she had years to give me just 1 date, just 1 walk, 1 dinner and a movie, and she didnt feel like it.
THIS GIRL (A) seems like the one, but isnt the one, there is no such thing, if you finally put some space between you and (A) and you will meet somebody very special one day. Or else just follow (A) until she gets engaged to some loser and it breaks your heart big time.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer