Dealing with Insecurity
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I really need help dealing with my insecurity. I have been with a girl that I know I am going to marry and she feels the same about me. And I know for a fact that she loves me and that I am most important to her and that she would never look elsewhere. However, whenever she chooses to do something with her friends instead of talk to me I feel like she is getting sick of me and that I am not most important to her. And then I go into a whole "need for reassurance" thing. I automatically assume the worst of her actions. My insecurity makes me almost expect something bad when deep down I know there is no evidence to support that conclusion. As a matter of fact it is exactly the opposite. She is trying to do everythingshe can to show that she loves me and that I am the most important, but no matter what she does I always seem to see it the wrong way.
Please Help me!!! I am driving my soul-mate away with petty arguments that result from my insecurity. How can I think positive thoughts? How can I overcome the need to be constantly reassured that she loves me? I am out of college and she is still in college (320 miles away). I am having a hard time with her having so little time and me having alot more to spend on her (letters, e-mails, packages). I take that lack of time to extremes as well. I figure if she has 2 hours of free time she should spend at least 1 hour of it talking to me on the phone and 1 hour visiting friends (even if she has 10 friends to visit all over campus) and she should always visit her friends after she has called me, because I HAVE to be her PRIORITY. Every action she takes has to scream that out loud or I start feeling iinsecure. I really need help with this. What used to be perfect, happy conversations have become bitter arguments over NOTHING AT ALL!!
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Male
After having read your letter I can sympathize with you man. I was once in your shoes as well. My lady wasnt as far away but I had the same situation you do. First of all if you have assurance that you are soul mates and that she is going to marry you then what good is it for you to not trust her. Its only going to drive a wedge between you and her. If you have no trust in a relationship then you really have no relationship. Trust is one of the major pillars of any relationship w/o it your realtionship will eventually crumble. I suggest you take confidence in your self and your ability to be loved by another and love back in return. Hey man there is always a certain level no matter who your with, of becoming vulnerable. This is all part of the experience of being in a relationship. There is no exscape so you have to take the challenge along with the responsablity. Ultimately you can never dictate what anyone does and especailly women. I suggest you think like this, if she isnt what she says she is and doesnt do all she says then shes not the one for you. Hey man better you find out now than after marring the girl. I guess you just have to give it time and you'll see just chill and love her and regardless of what happens be confident in yourself and ability to make a girl happy. If they dont want it, goodbye, there's lots who do.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer