she kissed him... and says she feels bad for it
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I came home from work on Saturday evening with the understanding that my girlfriend was going out with some of her girlfriends from work. She is an RN in a psychiatric hospital. She came home at about 1:00 AM from her night out and something just didn't seem right. When she laid down, I looked in her eyes and asked what was wrong. She then told me "I didn't know." I was immediately completely awake and my heart sank and skipped two beats. After a little bit of coaxing some info from her, she told me that she wasn't sure about "us" anymore and she just didn't know why. I asked her if I had done something and she told me no, and that I was the absolute best boyfriend she could ever hope for. She mentioned that she worries about my finances (I am in college still, as a senior) and it stresses her out. This seemed to be the most significant issue at the moment. I ensured her that I love her with all of my heart and that I would try to manage my finances a little better. (I don't make a ton of money, and we live together and the bills are split between us. There are times that she has to spend a little bit more money because I simply didnít make a lot at work for that month.) We then told each other that we loved each other a lot but I still felt that there was something else. I asked her repeatedly if there was someone else, and she responded with a stout "no". I kind of believed her, but was still just a bit skeptical. We then went to sleep and I had the assumption that everything would be ok.
We spent the next day with each other. We went out, we set up a Christmas tree, we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. All the while, things seemed ok. We went to bed that night, and again, everything seemed fine. I went to work the next morning and she called me and said she was going to see her best friend who was moving to a new townhouse down the road from her current one. She said that she was going to help her with boxes and stuff. I thought nothing of it. In the past, she never gave me a reason to not trust her. When she came home that night, about 10:30, she cuddled with me really closely in bed. When I looked at her, her eyes told me something. I asked her what was wrong, and then for some crazy unknown reason, made the comment: "you didn't go see your best friend did you?", she responded with : "I did, but I went somewhere else too". Again, I was completely wide awake and my heart skipped about 3 beats this time and really began pounding hard. She told me that she went to the house of someone that she works with. He made her dinner and they watched TV for about an hour and talked a little. When I asked her if she did anything, she said he kissed her good bye. I truly believe she did nothing else with this person. When I asked her "why?", she said she didn't know and that was starting to not feel the same way about me anymore. She said that she was starting to catch herself looking for something better even though she had something great here at home. We talked all night about how much I love her and how great we were together and how I didn't know where it went wrong. I soon found myself fighting for her. I found myself trying to convince her to choose me. I asked when this all began and she said that it began almost a month ago at a drug information dinner sponsored by the hospital. She said she became attracted to this guy while she was there and they talked a little, and he asked her out. She said no at first but then agreed after his persistent questioning. They went out on the previously mentioned Saturday night with the girls from work.
I seem to have convinced her to try and work this out with us, but almost can't shake this feeling that Iím going to lose her in the long run anyway. She called him and said that she couldn't talk to him anymore, and she told me that when she did that, it was really hard for her. That tells me that she has feelings for this guy, and I donít think that I will be able to compete with him. I'm worried that I will lose her and I don't want that to happen. She is my everything, and she always will be. I love her more than anything on this planet and she knows that. She tells me that she loves me too, but just feels a little bit different now. (Could it just be a crush on this guy making her feel that way?) She then tells me that she is willing to try to work this out and try to get those feelings back that she somehow lost. But she then also tells me that she is so, so worried that she wonít get them back and that she will really end up hurting me a lot more in the end. I donít want her to think like that. I would hope that she would try to think positively and think that things will work out and that she will get those feelings back. What can I do to help her realize that what she has with me is truly all she will ever need? How do I get her mind off of this person and back onto me so that we can continue what we have. This is killing me inside, but I have forgiven her for what she did. Please give me some advice as to what I should do to not lose her. Thank you.
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Male
Find another girl
I had a similar experience, my girlfriend starting hanging out with another guy as friends, but she spend more and more time with him. She would also make an extra effort to dress nicely and wear makeup when she would go out to see him. She would wear skirts more often to show off her body and usually wear a thong underneath, and it was obvious enough that she was wearing one. When I asked her about he relationship with him, she dismissed it as being a friendship and nothing more and that I did not have anything to worry about. I believe at that point she was probably telling the truth on a superficial level, in that she hadn't fulled around at that point, but it was also clear that she liked him and she did admit that she was attracted to him. I was determined to not be jealous, or at least not show my jealousy to her but open the communication channels with her so that I could understand what was going on and that she felt comfortable telling me what was on her mind. This helped and I told her that it is natural for people to be attracted to other people but obviously it is not okay to act on it, and that I loved her and wanted her to be with me. I also discovered that any outward anxiety I display, and being clingy to her, which was probably a natural response to try and win her over, just put her in more control. The days I felt confident and aloof were they days I could sent her drawing back to me, and the days I was clingy, she gravitated towards him. I didn't ask her to not see him ever, but I ask that she be more transparent and see him less if only as a respectful thing to do toward me, her boyfriend. This helped but then she admitted that on one evening with he she had kissed him after spending a couple of hours at his place. They also went out to dinner a several occasions. At which point we had a discussion about her feelings, that she loved me and wanted me in her life but also that she was very attacted to him and wanted him also. I could go on and on, but the end result is that she was more attracted to this other guy than me. It's that whole mantra of "she's just not that into you". Clearly if she was into me enough, she would drop everything to be with me, but she wasn't. Kisses turned into more time at his place, turned into wanted to have sex with him, which she opening admitted to her credit, to needing a break with me, to having sex with him, etc...
Don't get me wrong, it is entirely possible that your girlfriend could be going through a period of doubt and some realization of the special thing she has with you will bring her back, but I had this very same belief and I was wrong. You have to ask yourself why is she doing the things she is doing and saying the things she is saying, and the truth is she's just not that into you anymore, or she that much more into the other guy. And another thing, she will always dumb it down, "Oh, I don't know what I want", "I'm confused", "I hope I get the feelings back for you", it's a defense mechanism, and it usually is a lie, and usually a response to a question you asked. Listen to when she talks when you are not coaxing stuff out of her, and observe her action, and most importantly find someone that loves you and it into you enough that she wouldn't consider being with another guy.
Wouldn't you rather find someone that wants you just as much as you want her. It hurt a bunch in the short term, but life was never meant to be easy.
I ended up marrying another girl. We have a mutual respect for each other. Hope you find the same.
All the best!
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer