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How can I not be jealous when I have every reason to be?

We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male

Ive been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years. For the first year it was wonderful, me and her spend lots of time together, and even when she went to school (an hour and a half away) our relationship was strong.

In the last 3 months shes been hanging out a lot more with her friends (which are 4 guys) 1 of which I'm almost positive has a thing for her. Not only that, in the last 3 months she decided she doesnt want to be intimate with me, saying it make her uncomfortable. Anyways when she came home, I was always jealous when she would hang out with them, but it was understandable because I worked full time nights, and I didn't expect her to sit at home waiting for me like she use to (in the first year).

She decided to take a trip to visit her 1 friend (who lives an hour away)and her 3 other friends came with. She was going to stay the night. Again, Im logical, i know it would be stupid for her to come home late at night when it would be easier in the morning.

While she was away though, she ended up sharing a bed with one of her friends (a guy, not the one who has a thing for her) and I lost it. I know they didn't do anything, but still that isnt something a girl in a relationship does with another guy. Thing is, she doesnt think it was wrong.

Needless to say, I lost a lot of trust in her. Now she is starting to hang out with another one of her friends (the one that likes her) and is always on MSN with him when i'm over. I just can't trust her again, but not trusting her is ruining this relationship. And let me tell you, this girl is perfect for me! So i don't want to lose her.

Im sure she isnt doing anything bad with this guy, but how can I be sure? Especially when she shared a bed with another guy and didnt think it was wrong and also decided to stop being physical with me around the same time she was hanging out with them.

I really need advice, your advice could really help 2 people in love last. Please.

User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Male
Eating cake

She is getting her cake and eating it too. You are working and financially supporting the household while she runs around with other guys. Does she have any girl friends? She is definitely kicking it with the other guys for attention from them AND you. Every time you indicate jealousy- her sense of security is being reinforced. I suggest you the two of you start setting some times for one on one activity. Another way to go to is confront the guys she is hanging with and get them to acknowledge your relationship. And teach your girlfriend to start saying "NO THANKS- I have a boyfriend who is uncomfortable with this". If she can't start setting boundaries with her friends re: respect for your relationship-- then the writing is on the wall and it is time for you to let her go. I don't truly think you are insecure- I think you are intelligent, interpreting what you are seeing correctly, but afraid to end a relationship that is not meeting your own needs. After all- If she is not having sex with you OR them- that puts you all on the same level. However- you are doing all the work- and they are enjoying all of the fun.

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