Overcoming the green monster
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm not too sure where to begin. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 5 months. I have severe insecurity issues and jealousy issues, but it wasn't all that way.
Back in September of last year, we moved into our apartment. A week later we found out I was pregnant. (This is where all the issues began). In November, I found sexually text messages between him and a co-worker, and when I confronted him about it, he said that it was all a plan between the two so the next time I accused him of cheating, he'd think I really did. Then in February I found out he was planning on cheating on me with my best friend at the time, and when I confronted him about that, he claimed that it was because she told him I was cheating and it was sort of a revenge thing. The only recent thing is that he made a couple of new friends at the club, who are females. I don't think I should be threatened BUT I can't help but feel that way. I've been wanting to look at his myspace to see messages between them but he changed his password because he claimed I was snooping. And yes, I will admit I have snooped a LOT. I also find myself getting very angry at him when he wants to go out with his friends because I feel he should help with the baby. I don't know how to fix all this and I really want to. I'm tired of him thinking I'm a bitch and not wanting to have sex with me or spend time with me. Please help :(
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Male
Work it out
Sit down with your partner and both promise not to argue or fight about what you are about to discuss. Both of you need to redefine the rules of your relationship until you find mutual ground you are both happy with. First- decide whether the two of you are willing to continue together or space is needed apart. If continuing together is decided- then you both should be honest about your current unhappiness and agree to not be angry about the trust and honesty it takes to continue the discussion. Then admit your faults to each other and apologize sincerely. DO this without getting into an argument- DO NOT PLACE blame on each other- IT IS WHAT IT IS. So the two of you need to come up with a fair game plan that covers all the responsibilities of the house hold and raising a child together. When the two of you made a new life- you both gave up your personal rights until the child is grown and out of the house. Create a reasonable chore time when you both will work together. Agree to times when the two of you can BOTH enjoy each other ( hire a baby sitter). Also agree on how many times a week one of you can go out alone. Above all- agree to be faithful and monogamous. He obviously is an escape artist who likes to slip out of his responsibilities and screw around with his coworkers and anybody else who will have him.... and YOU are smothering, bitchy, keeping constant score, and have NO respect for his privacy. If you look for trouble- you will find it. The two of you are NOT supposed to be in a competition. Work together, leave the blame back with the rest of the ancient history and try to re Invent yourselves together. IF you are facing a brick wall with this guy and he is obviously to immature to work with you to build his life- then go to court, get custody, and leave him. Then his wage will be garnished and you will get a child support check if he is not ultimately in violation of payment and in jail already. Both roads are hard, they both pay off. I wish you all the luck in the world. P.S. try counting to ten before you open your mouth as he is coming through the door late. Give him an opportunity to grow with you and not away from you.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer