My Husband cheats because I don't trust him!
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We've been married for 2 1/2. Thinking about it now, I can honestly say Trust has always been a huge issue for us. Before we got together I already had my own problems, with just having my heart handed to me by my first love. Anyway, when we first got together he was already dating a couple other girls, which I didn't care about because I wasn't looking for anything serious. A couple months later, I got pregnant and we never looked back...Now lets just to the present! I won't go into the few times he has been busted cheating before we got married as we both agreed to look forward. My husband and I are both very different people but we've always managed to make it work. Well last year around Thanksgiving we just couldn't get along. I mean we where fighting non stop. He would hang out half the night, I would call and accuse him of being with someone else. We went on like that for weeks. Finally one night I came home (I work second shift so I don't get home til 1030pm, while he gets off work at 5pm) and he was actually already in bed sleep. I picked up his phone in a honest attempt to turn it off, but I notice he had a voicemail message so I called it. It was from this girl calling to say she missed him and was just calling to say I love you and good night. I can still feel the pain in my heart from that night. Anyway, I found the girls number and I called her back. She said they had only be seeing each other for a few weeks, but they've been hanging out and have been intimate at least once (for some reason she couldn't remember exactly how many times). So, I woke him up! At first he tried to lie about it, but he finally came clean. I can honestly say that was the worst night of my life. As I love this man more than anything in the word. The next day I called a marriage counselor. We got put on the waiting list, but I was able to get some counseling over the phone because they could tell I was so distraught. We talked for a long time over the next few days. It took a while to get the girl to stop calling though. I noticed they had talked a few times a few months ago, but he swears it was more her contacting him then anything. His first love found him on one of those high school reunion websites and they have been emailing each other fairly often. I've expressed how much I don't like it, but he says that they where good friends once and that is all they are now. They use to email and talk on the phone several times a week, but he has realized that it causes a lot of trouble in our relationship so he has stopped talking to her so much (now they talk maybe once a month). His birthday was last Thursday...Saturday morning, I wake up and there is a B-Day card on his windshield from some girl. In the card she expresses that she knows she shouldn't have feelings for him but she does and that he is sexy (actually she called him Mr Sexy). I asked him about the card and the girl and he said that it was some girl that he made small talk with a girl that works at the gas station (he was buying beer and she noticed it was his birthday). He said, that he told her he was married, and she kept asking where she knows him from. He said he said he lives on Vine street and she probably seen him there, which would account for how she found his car. Anyway, I found out today that he has hung out with her and they have talked on the phone once or twice but nothing physical has happened. His biggest thing with me is that I don't trust him, because I always assume he is talking to girls or going to see girls. And I must admit I am constantly checking for something. We have been thru SO much together and our son would be heartbroken if we didn't try to make this work, but all I see is him cheating on me. I also think my self esteem is shot, as I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with our child and I never lost it. In fact I know I have gained more sense then. He has never put me down about it, in fact he is always saying how sexy I look and is very affectionate when we are getting along. I want to make my marriage work, but I don't know if I can trust him, if he can leave without being trusted and if he can be faithful. Please help!
PS: We did get counseling for a few months but it was kind of expensive so we stopped.
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
Sorry, but George, from Romance Class, should not be giving advice. Continue with the counselling, a marriage is worth more than the extras you allow yourselves through the week. Only you know if this marriage is worth it. Trust is sooo hard to get back and both of you need to make a huge effort - but he needs to show you how special you are and how much he loves you before the trust can be rebuilt. Good luck honey. Ally.
[RomanceClass reply: You are right, I meant to suggest more counseling but didn't. Thanks for your comment. George]
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer