Brokeup But Know he's the ONE
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now since I was 19 years old. In the beginning it was nothing serious, but then after about a year I fell for him really hard. I did everything and anything to win his affection and started to lose myself. When I brought up the way I felt to him, he'd shrug it off saying that he'd let me know how he felt, when he felt it, that he didn't want to rush anything. After about 3 years, a mutual friend of ours died in a motorcycle accident at on ly 21 years old. That his us both hard, and especially hit him hard, since he thought of this friend as a brother. I stook by him through the grieving process and held him as he cried himself to sleep for weeks. He tells me now that he knew how much I meant to him then, because he never knew someone could ever be that selfless with him, and he fell in love with me at that moment. Months passed and things felt better in the "feelings" catagory, and i was fine again. Then he started being shady and I'd never bring it up and make excuses for his actions. He stopped coming to family functions with me.. didn't have a job, and only wanted to hang out with his friends mostly unless he incorporated our time with his friends to. All through our relationship I feel I have grown up and become and adult, and he still hasn't gotten there. He was always asking to borrow my car.. having me run his errands.. but when it came time for me wanting something.. there was always an excuse.. why not...I always knew he would flourish and become the man I could spend the rest of my life with but still he was dissappointing me. After a lil while longer, he found out that his father was leaving his mother (28 year marriage) for his high school girlfriend. Again I stood by him 150% like I knew I should. This happened in 2005. But again when things come up that i need him for, he makes a selfish escuse why he cant be there or why he doens't want to be. i finally in May 2006, broke it off with him, only for him to realize that he was losing the best thing that ever happened to him. After about a 3 weeks of trying to get me back, i decided to give it another try. We were fine for about 4 months until recently I started doubting that he really was being sincere or if he just tried so hard when we broke up just to not lose me. Last week I got this gut feeling that He was never going to reach his potential and that I want to be happy. I'm tired of being dissapointed. He has been doing everything right now.. looking for a great career, wanting to be close to my family, but I just feel so Done. I'm so tired of trying.. and I know both parties have to put a lot in for things to work. I have been putting everything in for 5 years and NOW he wants to try? I feel like If i'm a part from him for a good amount of time 3 months, 6 months a year.. and work on myself.. that he will mature in the Man I knew he'd be..and change for himself for good.. into something wonderful.. but hes still has growing up to do. I want to make myself happy in this time apart.. but at the same time know theres a possibility that I would meet someone else which also scares him. I always wanted to marry him and he always felt the same... but I dont see how it could work when hes hurting me like this .. I'm so torn knowing I cant be with him now.. but will I ever be happy with him in the future. Is he being the man now just to get me back? I feel he is being sincere but I am so done right now.. that i'm afraid of him backstepping into the fire. I know he needs to change on his own but I can'tmake him. What do I do? See what happens in a couple months? Stop talking to him when he calls/im's me? I feel lost without our relationship.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Live for yourself
I cannot tell you how much your story sounds exactly like mine. I just broke up with my fiance.. We were together 3 1/2 years. But he needs to grow up sooo much!! I have been asking around to see what I should do. I feel like he's the one, but lately I feel like I may have been in just "puppy love" Everyone told me to call it off for at least a month or two.. talk to him like a friend so no bad feelings are there. If i choose to date someone else, I might realize I was wrong to leave him or that he isn't the one. If he is truly the one, he will wait for you and grow up for you! I know its soo hard to adjust without being to see him everyday, but you are living for you.. no one else. So take it slow.. but don't break off all ties with him.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer