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Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole. -- Derek Walcott

arguments and fights

We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I got another question.me and my fiance just got back together we have been off and on for nine months.we fight alot because i kissed another guy and i talked to a few guys.well i stopped all that.and he dont trust me.he blames me for everything.he calls my cell phone asking me where am i and who am i with.and another thing is he has a guy friend that he sees constantly that lives three hours away.and i cant stand him.when we first got together he wanted this guy gone.now he acts like he likes him.he always talked bad about him.this guy is bi.he has a thing for my guy.my man says hes not bi hes straight.so we fight about that.I dont want him seeing this guy anymore.this guy does everything for my man.he drives three hours and he buys my man stuff.my man just likes him because he buys him things.usely when im a round they fight because he gets jealous that my man pays attention to me.so i dont know what to do.I love my guy but now he acts like hes best friend is more important than me.he says hes not.and one time my guy ignored him for two weeks.hes friend would call and he would not answer and say bad stuff.so all of a sudden he likes him.im confused.this guy dont like me at all.because of the stuff ive done to my man.they have to see eachother for two months now because they are going hunting together and my man dont have a vehicle.so how do i handle him seeing this guy?this guy swears hes straight but i know hes bi.he even looked at gay porn online.is it possible my guy and him are dating?how do i find out if they are a together?and how do i handle hanging with him?

User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
Don't provoke

Everyone needs space, and everyone needs companionship. Guys have to have a chance to hang out. Men talk about their feelings more to eachother about us women than we think. Imagine hanging out with nothing but men~ wouldn't you miss the comradery of your female counterparts? I know I would.

But the relationship they have that you describe does sound more like a too-close-for-comfort type relationship. If the guy really did display jealousy when your partner paid attention to you, I guess that could be viewed 2 ways~ The guy could have been thinking; I drove 3 hours to get here and I'm not going to be here that long so pay attention to me. -or- If he seemed jealous that your man was touching you or displaying affection to you and the guy didn't like it, then there might be something to worry about.

If you kissed a guy while you two were broke up, then that should not have been an issue. If you were broke up, he could have had the oppourtunity to kiss someone other than you as well. But if you kissed another man while you two were going steady, then you were wrong, and gave him a reason to not trust that you wouldn't do that -or worse- again. Gaining trust is hard enough. Losing trust and gaining it back is even harder. Your man calling you constantly to check up on you is his way of reassuring himself that you are not doing anything wrong. A way that you can try to regain his trust is by being there when you say your gonna be there. Reassure him of your love, devotion and loyalty every day. Tell him what you think is good about him and what he does that you think is cute or sweet. Comment on the positive things he does. Compliment his judgement when he does things right. If the relationship is worth salvaging, then work at it. If not, then you will know not to provoke the next man's distrust of you by not flirting or kissing anyone else while in a committed relationship.

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