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Issues with intimacy?



We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 months now. It's going pretty well, we have fun, we laugh, etc, but we have a problem getting intimate.

Mostly after a date ( movie, or dinner, ...), we go to her or mine place to talk and watch some tv. We sit on the couch, I put my arm around her and she cuddles up to me. I start kissing her shoulder and neck, but she just sits there, eyes glued to the screen or she just continues talking. She doesn't ever respond to anything.

During our relationship we have really kissed 2 or 3 times, besides kisses hello and goodbye. I think she has issues with intimacy and I want to talk to her about it, but I don't know how to bring it up. Or if I even should. Is she just not ready, am I being to impatient? I don't want to come across as some horny bastard.




User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
Don't assume


Okay, George, what are you trying to do? "Take her to the woods"? Sounds like the beginning to a bad porno, and never use the words "Take advantage." That's how you spurn a rapist. Second, never assume that the other party is thinking a certain way, unless you have spoken with said person, and they have expressed such feelings or ideas.

Now, as for the intimacy issues. It would be impossible to ask someone if she has such issues. Instead, I would highly recommend that you talk to her. When you do this, you must be very confident, and try to keep your hormones out of the conversation. Do not assume that she does/does not want to be intimate. Bring up the topic on a neutral statement (i.e. don't attack her verbally for not being intimate with you). Keep in mind that it may be as simple as her not being ready, or it could be any number of things. You also have to keep in mind that it may be something in her past that she might not be willing to talk about. I understand the "horny bastard" idea. I fought with it myself a few times, but if you can create a neutral environment, you will be less likely to give off that vibe.

-Andrew

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