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My flirty guy...



We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Greetings!
I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. I know he's the "one", and we've even had lengthy discussions regarding marriage lately. Anyways, although I trust him with all my heart, I've come across something that gave me a real sting...
His ex- girlfriend, whom I've told him that I've had issues with, sends him "private" messages on facebook. now, the only reason i know this is because I was taking care of him a few nights ago because he was pretty drunk from going out and celebrating his birthday. his laptop was open and a few programs were running, so once I tucked him in I thought I'd kill some time by playing an online sudoku. But anyways.. this private message was on his screen from her. He knows that it bothers me when the two of them talk.
This might sound a little naive, but I'm not at all worried about him cheating. The part that bothers me is that these messages are so "private" and flirty. I could see there were other messages sent to him from her, but I didn't want to read them. I was upset enough.
So here lies my dilemma. I want to ask him about it, but then he's going to think that I was snooping around his folders. Even if I told him the truth, that is, it already being up on his screen, I still shouldnt have read it. I know I would be upset if I felt my privacy was violated. But I would NEVER flirt like this behind his back... In fact, I tell him when someone is being flirty with me, just so that we can both laugh it off.
this is killing me inside because we NEVER hold anything back from each other. We have both worked so hard to be as strong and amazing as we are today.
To be totally honest, I think the problem mostly lies in my own insecurities. I'm a pretty girl with an outstanding education, however when I think of another girl touching him it just makes me cringe. Additionally, she advised him NOT to date me in the first place, so my opinion of her is nothing more than biased.
Anyways.. sorry this question is a novel. Some advice would really be nice. Thank you for your time.




User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
Fix the problems


Yeah see this bother's you. And you know when you talk about a guy hitting on you or flirting with you is great for being open. But honestly when trust is great in a relationship or you are very close then you shouldn't ALWAYS share things like that. He may seem to laugh it off or whatever. But it could bother him. So maybe he is kind of venting with his ex and talking about your relationship with her, and how he feels about the SMALL THINGS and with her she is his support. Intead of talking to you about these things, he could be finding it easier to find support from and outsider.
Also there is nothing wrong with comming across that. See he is obviously hidding the little things from you. And you said that you are not worried of him cheating. So why are you letting it bother you? Jealousy. Now you know how he feels when you TALK about guys hitting on you. that may make him think that you are thinking about other things. Especially if he has to hear about them all the time. As long as there is nothing with cheating what is it with having a friend you can talk to. not saying an ex is a very good choice and myself wouldn't allow that with anyone, especially behind my back. but you obviously feel different towards him and trust him whole heartedly. so it's your decision to either lay down on this one or stand up for what you beleive in. my suggestion would be to stand up and speak your mind. or the problems go from being so tiny, to an earthquake. fix the problems while they are small or they will gradually break apart what you once had.
Matthew H

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